Author Topic: General humor thread  (Read 75107 times)

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Offline Eagle Kammback

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #350 on: January 19, 2011, 07:49:27 PM »
I stand atop a spiral stair
An oracle confronts me there
He leads me on light years away
Through astral nights, galactic days
I see the works of gifted hands
That grace this strange and wondrous land
I see the hand of man arise
With hungry mind and open eyes

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #351 on: January 20, 2011, 09:49:45 PM »
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vb97nlbJD0Q[/youtube]

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #352 on: January 29, 2011, 01:36:01 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #353 on: January 30, 2011, 06:23:10 PM »
Field Trip

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help."

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #354 on: January 31, 2011, 03:38:55 PM »

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #355 on: February 05, 2011, 03:59:34 AM »
Painting the Church


There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me!  What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #356 on: February 05, 2011, 11:57:16 AM »
 :rotf:

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #357 on: February 05, 2011, 05:18:46 PM »
A guy goes to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "The first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Offline Chris_

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If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #359 on: February 09, 2011, 01:24:38 PM »
Digging to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists  found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years.
The French came to the  conclusion that their ancestors had a telephone network centuries  ago.



Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth  of 2,000 meters.
Shortly thereafter headlines in the UK newspapers read: 
"English archaeologists have found traces of a 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French.



 One week  later, Israeli newspapers reported the following: "After digging as  deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, they found absolutely nothing. 
They thus concluded that 5,000 years ago Jews were using  wireless.

 


"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #360 on: February 09, 2011, 01:31:48 PM »
A rare photo of the Royal Navy's Harrier jump jet fleet just prior to disbanding due to the present UK 's defence budget cuts, flying over the Houses of Parliament in London.

You have to squint a bit to see the message the pilots are sending to the Government


"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline IassaFTots

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #361 on: February 09, 2011, 01:32:56 PM »
Most Excellent namvet!!!
R.I.P. LC and Crockspot.  Miss you guys.

The infinite is possible at zombocom.  www.zombo.com

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~ Martin Luther King
 
“Political Correctness is about turning a blind eye to painful reality because your comfortable feelings are more important to you than saving lives and providing quality of life to people who work their ass off to be productive and are a benefit to this great American Dream"  ~Ted Nugent

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #362 on: February 09, 2011, 01:33:56 PM »
How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding
a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.
Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #363 on: February 09, 2011, 01:40:55 PM »
Most Excellent namvet!!!

got that in an email from a retired officer i served with on the Newport News

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #364 on: February 09, 2011, 01:45:46 PM »

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #365 on: February 09, 2011, 01:50:42 PM »

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #366 on: February 09, 2011, 01:55:19 PM »

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #367 on: February 09, 2011, 01:58:44 PM »

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #368 on: February 09, 2011, 02:05:37 PM »

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #369 on: February 09, 2011, 02:13:56 PM »

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline Starring Emma

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #370 on: February 15, 2011, 04:48:40 AM »

Offline Starring Emma

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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #372 on: February 21, 2011, 10:44:18 AM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #373 on: February 23, 2011, 03:56:21 PM »

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #374 on: March 26, 2011, 08:51:31 PM »

If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.