Author Topic: General humor thread  (Read 75097 times)

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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #325 on: December 12, 2010, 12:21:06 PM »
Mexican Oysters


A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah señor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sí, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."
« Last Edit: December 12, 2010, 12:25:12 PM by Golem »

Offline ColonialMarine0431

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #326 on: December 12, 2010, 12:43:56 PM »
Gangsta Bunnies...

I'll See Your Jihad and Raise You One Crusade

Offline rustybayonet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #327 on: December 13, 2010, 06:58:25 AM »
Another last year e-mail, that the warped mind thought funny;

Diary of a Snow Shoveler---

Dec. 8: 6:00PM
It started to snow.  The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge snowflakes drift down from heaven.  It looked like a Grandma Moses Print.  So romantic we felt like newlyweds again.  I love snow!

Dec. 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?  Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again.  I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.  This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again.  What a perfect life.

Dec. 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.  Such a disappointment.  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful!  Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of the winter that I'll never want to see snow again.  I don't think that's possible.  Bob is such a nice man, I'm  glad he's our neighbor.

Dec. 14:
Snow, lovely snow!  8 inches last night.  The temperature dropped to -20 degrees after.  The cold makes everything sparkle so.  The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks.  This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again.  I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.  I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

Dec. 15:
20 inches forecast.  Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer.  Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.  Stocked the freezer.  The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out.  I think that's silly,  We're not in Alaska, after all.

Dec.16:
Ice storm this morning.  Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt.  Hurt like hell.  The wife laughed for an hour,  which I think was very cruel.

Dec.17:
Still way below freezing.  Roads are too icy to go anywhere.  Electricity was off for 5 hours.  I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm.  Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.  Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her.  God I hate it when she's right.  I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

Dec. 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night.  More shoveling,  Took all day.  *oddamn snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey.  I think they're lying.  Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out.  Might have another shipment in March.  I think they're lying.  Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me.  I think he's lying.

Dec. 23:
Only 2" of snow today.  And it warmed up to 0 degrees.  The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.  What - is she nuts!!  Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?  She says she did, but I think she's lying.

Dec. 24:
6".  Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.  Thought I was having a heart attack.  If I ever catch the son of a *(itch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his *alls.  I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where I've just been!  Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the *oddamn snowplow.

Dec. 25:
Merry Christmas.  20 more inches of the *^=D#^( slop last night.  Snowed in.  The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil.  God I hate snow!  Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.  The wife says I have a bad attitude.  I think she's and idiot.  If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

Dec.26
Still snowed in.  Why in the hell did I ever move here?  It was all HER idea.  She's really getting on my nerves.

Dec. 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 below and the pipes froze.

Dec.28:
Warmed up to above -20 degees below.  Still snowed in.  The *ITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!!

Dec. 29:
10 more inches last night.  Bob says I have to shovel the roof, or it could cave in.  That's the silliest thing I ever heard.  How dumb does he think I am?

Dec. 30:
Roof caved in.  The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars.  The wife went home to her mother.  9 more inches predicted.

Dec. 31:
City billed me $500.00 for plowing and shoveling.  Set fire to what's left of the house.  No more shoveling.

Jan. 8:
I feel so good, I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.  Why am I tied to the bed??


yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery - today is a gift- that's why it's called the "present"

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #328 on: December 26, 2010, 01:35:28 AM »

:rofl:
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #329 on: December 30, 2010, 04:52:28 PM »

Offline compaqxp

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #330 on: December 31, 2010, 03:45:05 AM »
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aotlEpmAFVQ&feature=related[/youtube]

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #331 on: December 31, 2010, 12:01:15 PM »
 :lmao:

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #332 on: December 31, 2010, 12:53:58 PM »
:-)
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline ColonialMarine0431

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #333 on: December 31, 2010, 01:10:23 PM »
I'll See Your Jihad and Raise You One Crusade

Offline true_blood

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #334 on: December 31, 2010, 02:20:54 PM »

Offline ColonialMarine0431

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #335 on: January 05, 2011, 04:25:49 PM »



Bang! Bang! Boehner's silver hammer
Came down upon her head.
Clang! Clang! Boehner's silver hammer
Made sure that she was dead.


I'll See Your Jihad and Raise You One Crusade

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #336 on: January 07, 2011, 10:54:55 AM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #337 on: January 07, 2011, 11:23:45 AM »

Offline true_blood

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #338 on: January 07, 2011, 12:19:07 PM »
^^ :-)

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #339 on: January 08, 2011, 09:55:50 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #340 on: January 09, 2011, 12:47:49 PM »
Politically incorrect jokes (You've probably heard some of these before)


I was at a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night. I lost by one point. The question was, "Where do women mostly have curly hair?" Apparently, it's Africa. One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans and African Americans is not the correct answer.

I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.

A new Muslim clothing shop opened up nearby, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A friend of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I asked, "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother has a moustache."

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know, 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

The red cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #341 on: January 09, 2011, 10:26:10 PM »
Kitty! :bawl:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3HGx6973iA&feature=related[/youtube]

Kitty ran away. :( :lmao:
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #342 on: January 15, 2011, 12:51:05 PM »

Offline littlelamb

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #343 on: January 15, 2011, 04:00:20 PM »
Kitty! :bawl:
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3HGx6973iA&feature=related[/youtube]

Kitty ran away. :( :lmao:


Too funny
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #344 on: January 17, 2011, 04:13:47 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #345 on: January 17, 2011, 09:02:13 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #346 on: January 19, 2011, 01:30:56 PM »

Offline IassaFTots

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #347 on: January 19, 2011, 01:40:29 PM »


Thanks for sharing Golem!  BTW, I liked the previous Golem avatar better.  Just sayin.   :whistling:
R.I.P. LC and Crockspot.  Miss you guys.

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"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." ~ Martin Luther King
 
“Political Correctness is about turning a blind eye to painful reality because your comfortable feelings are more important to you than saving lives and providing quality of life to people who work their ass off to be productive and are a benefit to this great American Dream"  ~Ted Nugent

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #348 on: January 19, 2011, 04:50:55 PM »
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jm_t3g4RhpY[/youtube]

Offline compaqxp

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #349 on: January 19, 2011, 05:45:05 PM »