Author Topic: General humor thread  (Read 71554 times)

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Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #400 on: June 28, 2011, 01:59:26 PM »
 :lmao: poor Fred.
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline CG6468

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #401 on: June 29, 2011, 08:49:58 AM »
A woman walked into the downtown Detroit welfare office, trailed by 15 kids . . .

“WOW, ” the social worker exclaimed, “are they ALL YOURS???”

“Yep they's all mine, ” the flustered mamma sighed, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She said, “Sit down Leroy.”

All the children rush to find seats.

“Well, ” said the social worker, “you must be here to sign up.  I’ll need the names of all of your children.”

“This one’s my oldest – his name is Leroy” the woman said, “and this one is Leroy also.”

The social worker raised an eyebrow but continued.

One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

“All right, ” said the caseworker. “I’m seeing a pattern here.  Are they ALL named Leroy?”

Their Mamma replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ And when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ and they all comes a running. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.”

The social worker thought this over for a bit, then wrinkled her forehead and said tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?”

“Then I calls 'em by dey last names.”
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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #402 on: June 30, 2011, 11:58:26 AM »

Offline FreeBorn

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #403 on: July 09, 2011, 11:00:04 PM »
Bay Area News~

Police in California have yet to release the name of a drowning victim found in a creek pending notification of family.
Judging from the man's broken ankle and toxicology of a .23% B.A.C. the Medical Examiner surmises the victim had trouble walking in his spiked heel shoes and fell from the footbridge connecting his trailer park and the adjoining trailer park of a friend whom the victim had been visiting.
The victim was found wearing fishnet stockings, garter belt, thong, hot pink lipstick and an Obama T-shirt.
Police removed the Obama T-shirt so as to spare the family any embarrassment.


"How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin; And how do you tell an anti-communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin." ~Ronald Reagan

Offline Big Don

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #404 on: July 11, 2011, 12:35:57 PM »
I can't be a gynecologist, I can't even look a woman in the EYE.
Raj, The Big Bang Theory
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Offline DefiantSix

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #405 on: July 12, 2011, 02:23:11 PM »
Obama  goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.  After  his talk he offers question time.  One little boy puts up his hand and  Obama asks him his name.
 
"Stanley," responds the little boy.
 
"And what is your question, Stanley?"
 
"I have 4 questions:
 
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
 
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more  votes?
 
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden ?"
 
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all  Americans don't have health insurance?
 
Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
 
When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that 's right:  question time . Who has a question?"
 
Another little boy puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks him his name.
 
"Steve," he responds.
 
"And what is your question, Steve?"
 
Actually, I have 6 questions.
 
First, why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?
 
Second, why are you President when John McCain got more votes?
 
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
 
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance?
 
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
 
And sixth, what the heck happened to Stanley ?"
"Stand your ground. Don't fire unless fired upon, but if they mean to have a war, let it begin here." -- Capt. John Parker

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #406 on: July 15, 2011, 10:00:41 AM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #407 on: July 15, 2011, 11:44:50 AM »

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #408 on: July 22, 2011, 07:24:39 PM »
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming...

The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die".
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #409 on: July 22, 2011, 10:08:19 PM »
Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,


'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #410 on: July 24, 2011, 11:41:56 AM »
This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."

"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.

The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #411 on: July 24, 2011, 08:10:09 PM »
Alexander the Great and his staff meetings

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #412 on: July 25, 2011, 12:37:30 PM »
To those of you celebrating birthdays today:



Offline Big Don

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #413 on: July 25, 2011, 06:13:16 PM »
If you think about it, Father's day is Mother ****er's day
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Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #414 on: July 26, 2011, 04:03:09 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #415 on: July 29, 2011, 12:12:06 PM »
[youtube=640,390]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a69RpEBJFAY[/youtube]

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #416 on: July 29, 2011, 12:24:08 PM »
Ha!  That was excellent. :lmao:

I'm going to go post this on Facebook now....
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline JLO

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #417 on: August 05, 2011, 10:18:37 PM »
Ha!  That was excellent. :lmao:

I'm going to go post this on Facebook now....

Ha!  I would also, if I had a Facebook   :rofl:
Giving money and power to Democrats is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys--

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #418 on: August 18, 2011, 07:27:18 PM »
A little old man went into a drug store to buy Viagra. He says "Can I have six tablets and can you cut them into quarters for me?" "I can cut them into quarters, sir" says the pharmacist "but a quarter won't give you a full erection." "I don't mind" says the old man. "I'm 96 and don't have any use for an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my feet".

--

I spent three hours at the wife's grave this afternoon... bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.

--

A little old lady walks into a neighbourhood vegetable market. She says "Luigi, I will take 3lbs of tomatoes, 5lbs of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges and 6 bananas".

Luigi says "Looka lady, we ain't got no bananas. The lady then says "Thats okay Luigi, I am changing my order. You better make that 7lbs of tomatoes, 1 dozen of oranges, 10 lbs. of potatoes and I really need 9 bananas.

Luigi says "Looka lady, I been a telling you we got no bananas. The lady says "That's okay Luigi, I am changing my order. Give me 5lbs of tomatoes, 10 lbs. of potatoes, 1/2 dozen oranges, 5 lbs. of grapes and you better make that 12 bananas.

Luigi says "Looka lady, ifa you takea the 'to' out of tomato, what do you got?" The lady says 'Mato'. Luigi says "If you takea the 'po' out of potato, what do you got?" The lady says 'Tato'. Luigi says "Good, and ifa you takea the '****' out of banana, what do you got?" The lady says "There ain't no **** in banana". Luigi says "Thatsa what I have been trying to tellin you - there ain't no ****in' bananas".
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #419 on: August 18, 2011, 08:07:28 PM »


99-cent underwear may sound like a deal, but don't be fooled.  You get what you pay for.
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline namvet

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #420 on: August 18, 2011, 08:23:48 PM »
why do muslims hate pigs???

they envy the cork screw dick

"THERE ARE NO GREAT MEN. THERE ARE ONLY GREAT CHALLENGES THAT ORDINARY MEN ARE FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCES TO MEET" - ADM WILLIAM F HALSEY

Offline Chris_

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #421 on: August 28, 2011, 09:26:17 PM »

 :o :-)
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #422 on: September 20, 2011, 12:07:59 PM »

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #423 on: September 20, 2011, 10:30:14 PM »
At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Navy fighter pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable."

"That's correct", said the boss. "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at eight degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct. A third glass."

"It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive," calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."

Offline Golem

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Re: General humor thread
« Reply #424 on: September 27, 2011, 10:51:42 AM »
[youtube=700,420]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJP1DphOWPs[/youtube]