The Conservative Cave
The Bar => The Lounge => Topic started by: The Hollywood NeoCon on January 13, 2011, 03:28:30 PM
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...whenever I come across a panhandler on the street, I find the nearest fast food joint, go in and buy a burger, then go stand next to him and eat it - and not offer him any.
...anytime I'm behind a truck that has one of those "How Am I Driving?" stickers, I immediately call the number and complain, even if he's driving just dandy. After all, he's probably union.
Since the primitives are pretty much convinced every conservative is an evil murderer, we may as well just go ahead and start ridding the world of them by slow, painful attrition. I wouldn't actually kill them, but I'll be happy to annoy the hell out of them until they leave.
Preferrably on the same flight as Alec Baldwin.
You get the idea, now run with it...
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Whenever the Salvation Army volunteer isn't looking I grab something FOR ME ME ME out of the back of his truck of donated items.
When my financial advisor collected cans for the local food bank and invited his clients to bring a can and have some free nibbles, I came, crammed food in my coat pockets (does anyone remember that scene in Trading Places where Dan Ackroyd goes to the Christmas shindig and does that?) AND I swiped a few cans of food on the way out.
Any time I see a homeless person I do my best to steal their shopping cart while pretending to be fishing in my purse for loose change.
I'm sure there are plenty of evil, heartless conservatives here at the Cave who can top these. :-) :rotf:
Just don't be surprised if some idiot liberal lifts this entire thread, minus any explanatory sentences, and posts it on the world wide libnet, otherwise known as Dystopia.
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Well, this is from a while ago, when I used to process medical insurance claims. When we received claims, we would pay based on "assignment of benefits." Sometimes people pay for their claims, and expect reimbursment from the company. I ALWAYS paid the doctor, regardless of assignment, because I figure that's what they do for a living, they need the money more.
Now currently:
On my commute, I drive through some pretty she-she-poo-poo areas. During election season, I targeted which households had (D) signs out front. Now I drive really slow through the neighborhoods, on my way home, jamming to my tunes. I only even have one CD in my car. It plays one song. "Stranglehold." Only one volume setting too. Eleven. (11). That's one more than 10.
When it's really cold, I wear my Grandma's mink coat. (Hello! This is why the Russians wear Mink, it keeps you warm!) Then I go shop at Whole Foods. I don't think the CEO would mind too much. O-)
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...I steal my doctor's copy of the large print edition of Reader's Digest out of his office.
...the neighborhood kids call me "Mr. Wilson" because I'm a cheap, heartless, anti-kid bastard. For example, when Dennis the Menace leaves his bike on my lawn, I winch it up into my 45-foot oak tree and let the air out of the tires in the process.
...I "accidentally" kick over recycling containers whenever I find them.
...Instead of TPing Dennis the Menace's house with 134 rolls of Charmin, I roll up plastic bags and stuff them up his gutter downspouts. If I'm lucky, the gutters will collapse from the weight of the water.
...I pour used motor oil along the edge of my driveway (it kills the weeds).
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When I was a Boy Scout I used to walk little old ladies across the street, then leave them half way in the middle of the road after grabbing their shopping bags and purse! The stunned look on their faces was priceless. :nutkick:
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JESUS, you people are terrible!!! :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
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...I pour used motor oil along the edge of my driveway (it kills the weeds).
It good to put in small streams behind your house also -- gets rid of the mosquitoes better than anything else I ever used.
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I put antifreeze in the wild buffalo roaming area at Yellowstone. I was afraid the water would freeze.
I don't care if it is 110 degrees. I ALWAYS wear my baby seal lined boots to Walmart.
I don't want to hurt the environment so I let the air out of all of the tires on Obama bumper sticker wearing cars.
I donate to religious charities every month from my dog fighting winnings.
I paid Nancy Pelosi's plastic surgeon for a little special extra tuck in her last face lift.
I sent 10,000 coupons to Fat Billy's Pork BBQ to the muslim school in Barry O's name.
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I pour used motor oil in the creek behind my house. To damn many mosquito's and baby ducks. Plus the stupid Otters keep eating all the fairy shrimp and pup fish.
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I donate to religious charities every month from my dog fighting winnings.
:rotf: :rotf:
H5
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I kill old horses and use their remains to trap coyotes and bobcats.
I show enviro-nazis how their failed policies impact wildlife and cause suffering.
I paint my corral poles with used motor oil.
I wear a coat trimmed in the fur of a coyote I trapped.
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I *ALWAYS* dispose of plastic and aluminum in regular trash.
I've poured every type of household toxic chemical down the drain as well as down the storm drain.
I throw away unopened reams of paper at work.
I always use more paper products than I need.
I burn tires every opportunity I can.
I set mexican flags on fire.
I keep a container of bacon grease in my desk. I make sure to give a nice coating to selected items in the office that are frequently touched by muslims.
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I keep a container of bacon grease in my desk. I make sure to give a nice coating to selected items in the office that are frequently touched by muslims.
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
All these are great, but what about some ORIGINAL ideas, people?!?
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I always use more paper products than I need.
Paper? rookie. It's styrafoam or nothing in this "real conservative's" house.
I also almost exclusively purchase soda with the plastic rings. I collect and deposit them at the local park when I toss out rice for the birds.......
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....I wait until my libtard BIL comes over to lay around and drink my beer, then I go outside with my chain saw and begin murdering the trees in my yard. He lasts for 2 minutes before fleeing.
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:rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
All these are great, but what about some ORIGINAL ideas, people?!?
I sell counterfeit Coach purses, lined with magnets, on the street corner right between the Section 8 housing and the Beer Barn.
Then, I go to the closest Walmart on the 1st of the month, and lurk. :-)
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I have to confess that I have been remiss by using only non-splash bleach when I spray the garbage bags to keep the critters at bay. While the garbage men have been very thankful for the switch (no longer splashes up in their eyes), it is more expensive so screw them. Back to the $.49/jug variety it is.
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I sell counterfeit Coach purses, lined with magnets, on the street corner right between the Section 8 housing and the Beer Barn.
Then, I go to the closest Walmart on the 1st of the month, and lurk. :-)
:rotf:
:rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
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While at the above mentioned Walmart, I will scout for cars that have any pro democrat, anti war, lovey peacy feely bumperstickers and update them with an oldie but a goodie. The Stars and Bars.
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I drive through the Section 8 housing on saturday nights playing "Sweet Home Alabama" as loud as possible on my car stereo.
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I take pens that say, "Do not take"
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Next Easter morning I'm organizing an Easter egg hunt on the lawn of the local Democratic party headquarters.
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I shop at K Mart when possible and buy one item just to see them print up out a 2 feet long receipt for it.
At work we'll burn paint and varnish of motor parts and pump it into the air.
Next Easter morning I'm organizing an Easter egg hunt on the lawn of the local Democratic party headquarters.
Use raw eggs and don't invite anyone to find them.
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Use raw eggs and don't invite anyone to find them.
Put them out in March.
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When the local NAACP did a toy drive last Christmas, I put a watermelon and an old Little Black Sambo cartoon book in the donation box.
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For the record, I still have my Little Black Sambo Book, and when libs come over, I display it on my coffee table. :-)
And for any of my guests that might have a POLITICAL, not health-related, opinion.....
I put baby cow in my meatballs and bambi in my chili. And I always use caged chicken eggs. The smaller the box, the better the egg.
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When the local NAACP did a toy drive last Christmas, I put a watermelon and an old Little Black Sambo cartoon book in the donation box.
I own this book and read it MANY times to my son when he was little :-)
We have 8 x 10s of both President Bush (43) and VP Cheney in frames that we make sure are in a prominent place on the mantel in the living room when my retired, union member MIL is visiting. For some reason, Dick Cheney bothers her the most . . . :whistling: :lmao:
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[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=no6-vsHgHJg[/youtube]
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I take a penny out of the jar that are meant for the sick children.
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I *ALWAYS* dispose of plastic and aluminum in regular trash.
I throw away unopened reams of paper at work.
Niiiiiiiiiice..... :rotf:
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I take a penny out of the jar that are meant for the sick children.
I usually just take the whole jar and leave a penny.
I also once needed to break a dollar, so I spotted the March of Dimes cardboard thingy. I took my four quarters, then decided that since it didn't have a slot for dollar bills, I might as well just go ahead and take the whole thing.
I promised I'd pay it back later.
That was in 1988.
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I usually just take the whole jar and leave a penny.
now that's gone WAY beyond jerk and into asshole territory there, bub.
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now that's gone WAY beyond jerk and into asshole territory there, bub.
Back when I was an altar boy, I used to swipe the money out of the votive candle holders and gorge myself on Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Just remembered....
I also used to pilfer unconsecrated communion wafers from the sacristy.
At least I hope they were unconsecrated... :o
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Back when I was an altar boy, I used to swipe the money out of the votive candle holders and gorge myself on Peanut Buster Parfaits.
Just remembered....
I also used to pilfer unconsecrated communion wafers from the sacristy.
At least I hope they were unconsecrated... :o
Well, I guess the communion wafer thing gives a whole new perspective to "Holy Shit!"
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I usually just take the whole jar and leave a penny.
I also once needed to break a dollar, so I spotted the March of Dimes cardboard thingy. I took my four quarters, then decided that since it didn't have a slot for dollar bills, I might as well just go ahead and take the whole thing.
I promised I'd pay it back later.
That was in 1988.
Is this a game, or are you actually using this as a guise for true confessions....
(http://farm1.static.flickr.com/31/53940782_5cf1bc2a38.jpg)
Life is a job. You get $14.50 a day, but after you die, you have to pay for your sins. Stealing a hub cap is around $100. Masturbation is 35 cents (it doesn't seem like much, but it adds up). If there's money left when you subtract what you owe from what you've earned, you can go to heaven. If not, you have to go back to work. (Sort of like reincarnation -- many nuns are Mafia guys working it off.)
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Is this a game, or are you actually using this as a guise for true confessions....
It is, indeed a game. I'm just sick and tired of being portrayed as some sociopathic degenerate by people who make lying, slander and obfuscation not only a lifestyle, but a friggin art form.
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It is, indeed a game. I'm just sick and tired of being portrayed as some sociopathic degenerate by people who make lying, slander and obfuscation not only a lifestyle, but a friggin art form.
:werd:
One of my nearest and dearest friends is a lib. Bless her. She's been my friend for years, and sometimes I wonder if she is just my friend now, because we have been friends for so long, it's habit. Met her for drinks to celebrate her birthday this week. A rant ensued regarding insurance. I work with insurance all day friggin long. I said a few things, and the next thing I know I am being told about how HCR is a good thing. (This from an attorney, that hasn't worked a day in her life after she got married and lived in Europe for 10 years with her husband, a mainframe programmer.) OMG. I gave up, and diverted conversation by telling her how I spent my weekend driving out to the country, to visit Ammo Depot to get bulk ammo. Which, btw, was totally true. It's a lot cheaper than Walmart. And on the way I got to drop into the Beef Jerky Outlet.
I think she thought I made it up for shock value. Till I gave her some kangaroo jerky for her bday present. O-)
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I club baby seals with an aluminum bat then I kick the corpse into the sea so the sharks can eat too.
I BBQ baby deer just because the meats so tender and the screams make me smile. ( Your not supposed to fry em alive?)
I take the money from little old ladies so I can go to the strip bars and give it to the single moms that work there.. Why waste my cash?
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[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XZnhuOEUFXA[/youtube]
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JESUS, you people are terrible!!! :rotf: :rotf: :rotf:
Damn straight. We're loud and proud right wing jerks. :-) And, to show how nice I am, I'm hi fiving everyone on this thread for the laughs. Unless one of our untouchables shows up. They, and you, know of whom I speak.
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Damn straight. We're loud and proud right wing jerks. :-) And, to show how nice I am, I'm hi fiving everyone on this thread for the laughs. Unless one of our untouchables shows up. They, and you, know of whom I speak.
Well aren't you a sweetie pie! Hi5 to you, just to give your props for generosity. We ain't known for that. :-)
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I club baby seals with an aluminum bat then I kick the corpse into the sea so the sharks can eat too.
I BBQ baby deer just because the meats so tender and the screams make me smile. ( Your not supposed to fry em alive?)
I take the money from little old ladies so I can go to the strip bars and give it to the single moms that work there.. Why waste my cash?
The only problem I see in your confession is that you're feeding the sharks. Let 'em get their own damn food. Hey, can we organize a Canadian expedition for some of the bleeding heart (get it, BLEEDING :rotf:) donkeys at our favorite mental DUmpistution (lame, so sue me).
Oh yeah, the disclaimer for those who have no sense of humor. I'm KIDDING!
Sharks do gotta eat. :-)
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Well aren't you a sweetie pie! Hi5 to you, just to give your props for generosity. We ain't known for that. :-)
Thank you, kind lady. :cheersmate:
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Sharks do gotta eat. :-)
(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/derp99_shark_derp_durr_hurr.jpg)
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(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/derp99_shark_derp_durr_hurr.jpg)
I gave you a HI5, but oughta have bitchslapped you for posting those disturbing photos. :hammer: :rotf: Apparently UGP has decided it wants to be a shark instead of some sort of feline. :???:
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Seriously? :rotf:
Tell her to take a very long swim and see how that works out for her.
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(http://i237.photobucket.com/albums/ff68/kayaktn/derp99_shark_derp_durr_hurr.jpg)
First the peas, now this?
Oh hell.
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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If only it were that simple. :tongue:
But, we can dream, yes? :lmao:
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I pay illiterate illegal immigrants cash money to carry right wing signs at Dem functions just to jack with La Raza.
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I pay illiterate illegal immigrants cash money to carry right wing signs at Dem functions just to jack with La Raza.
I don't. I round up a posse and run 'em out of Arizona on a rail. Sigh, there I go dreaming again.
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I don't. I round up a posse and run 'em out of Arizona on a rail. Sigh, there I go dreaming again.
I would love to pick em up at the day labor center, and drive em across the street to our local Transportes El Mexico bus station. Seriously, they are right across the street from each other. One mile from my house. :thatsright:
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I would love to pick em up at the day labor center, and drive em across the street to our local Transportes El Mexico bus station. Seriously, they are right across the street from each other. One mile from my house. :thatsright:
Oooh, good idea. Pick up a van-full and drive them back across the border. See which ones can get back across legally. :II:
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All of you are nuts but damn do I love this place :tongue:
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I don't. I round up a posse and run 'em out of Arizona on a rail. Sigh, there I go dreaming again.
Your both losers,I round em up in the back of my truck and drive them 3 hours out into the middle of Death Valley and leave them with a cup of water.
I hunt endangered Snow Leopards and I use their skin and fur to have boots made.
I drive a Humvee across the street just to pick up my mail.
I had a party everyday the BP oil well leaked.
I caused the BP oil leak.
I date lib chicks only long enough to to drive them to the local Burger King and then I kick them to the curb.
Yeah that's it that's the ticket.
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I kill old horses and use their remains to trap coyotes and bobcats.
(http://e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/threaten.gif)
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You think that's bad? I find all the pre-1992 cars around and puncture their AC coolant systems, thus releasing Freon-1011 to the atmosphere. (Kinda technical, but it does wonders to the ozone layer. Or something like that.)
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I pay illiterate illegal immigrants cash money to carry right wing signs at Dem functions just to jack with La Raza.
Don't laugh. When I was living in SoCal, I saw an (assuming--pretty safe assumption) illegal walking down Harbor Blvd. in Santa Ana wearing this t-shirt:
(http://www.megaforcerecords.com/store/images/P/SOD-SpeakEnglish.jpg)
Shit like that you just CAN'T make up.
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When I see a Prius loaded with Obama bumper stickers, I get ahead of them and slow down to 20 mph UNDER the speed limit so they can't pass.
I tell the local PETA folks, "I love cats, I just can't eat a whole one."
One thing my co-worker likes to do is get ahead of asshole tourists who drive too slow and stomp on the gas of his turbo diesel, sending a nice thick cloud of black smoke into their faces. This is particularly effective in the summertime when they all drive with their windows down.
Before Blockbuster went out of business I put all the Michael Moore films in the comedy section.
If anyone at the bar starts talking about global warming I throw a snowball at them and say, "You mean THAT global warming?"
If I see a fat person riding an electric chair at Wally World, I turn it off and take the key when they stop and reach for something.
If I see a welfare queen with a cart full of food behind me, I point at them and say, "They're buying mine too."
Everytime I see some loser praising Obama after bitching about how they can't get a job, I ask them how that new Skittle-shitting pony is working out for them.
I put signs in front of all the Dunkin Donuts reserving at least half the spots for the local PD.
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All of you fine, upstanding Nazis are giving this your best shots, but you're not quite ready to fight Morpheus yet.
Try thinking outside the box....like this....
I'm such a right-wing jerk, I sank all of my eeeeevil capital gains into Big Pharma, earned my law degree, became a personal injury lawyer, then invented "peanut allergies" out of whole cloth. :-)
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Yeah, okay.
Try this one:
I'm such a right-wing jerk that I sent a CandyGram to George Soros. Instead of candy, I put small little nuggets from skittle-shitting ponies inside the box and invited George to visit the ranch where the "candy" was made.
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I'm such a right-wing jerk that I sent a CandyGram to George Soros. Instead of candy, I put small little nuggets from skittle-shitting ponies inside the box and invited George to visit the ranch where the "candy" was made.
Yeah, I heard about that...
But the reason he didn't show up was because I've been banging his executive secretary, who was kind enough to re-arrange his travel schedule.
Rather than take the lame-ass tour your "candy factory" had set up, Soros ended up in Bangkok, where he found comfort and solace in the company of the most celebrated male-to-female tranny in Siamese history.
Of course, he would've been happier to have made your tour, considering he spent the next 36 hours undergoing high-intensive chemical enemas in a vain attempt to rid himself of a nasty bout of anal gonorrhea.
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I am such a right-wing jerk, I used my non-taxed inheiritance to build a "vibe" shop. I sell meditation beads that are made from the spent casings I get off the ground at the local VRWC gun range.
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I am such a right-wing jerk, I used my non-taxed inheiritance to build a "vibe" shop. I sell meditation beads that are made from the spent casings I get off the ground at the local VRWC gun range.
You're getting sexier by the minute...
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I'm so right wing that I made the Native Americans cry
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7OHG7tHrNM[/youtube]
I also not only cut down trees with a 2 cycle chainsaw, but I BURN them, too!!
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Yeah, I heard about that...
But the reason he didn't show up was because I've been banging his executive secretary, who was kind enough to re-arrange his travel schedule.
Rather than take the lame-ass tour your "candy factory" had set up, Soros ended up in Bangkok, where he found comfort and solace in the company of the most celebrated male-to-female tranny in Siamese history.
Of course, he would've been happier to have made your tour, considering he spent the next 36 hours undergoing high-intensive chemical enemas in a vain attempt to rid himself of a nasty bout of anal gonorrhea.
This is bullshit because everybody knows that Soros is a hermaphrodite. It wasn't a nasty bout of anal gonorrhea - it was irritation caused by multiple fisting sessions.
You see, he's a receiver - not a giver.
But I digress.
I'm such a right-wing jerk that I build radio-controlled robots that are dressed like your average homeless guy and send them out to local middle schools where they offer the candy produced by those skittle-shitting ponies, wrapped in foil and labeled "Kisses for the Sweet", to youngsters walking back and forth to school. They bag an average of 8.6 kids per day.
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You're getting sexier by the minute...
:-) Thanks. I still think my magnet lined purse idea was the best.
Truly, the dude to look at is John Mackey, founder of Whole Foods. Friggin Libertarian-Vegan-Yoga-doing genius. Gets everyone all hooked on the natural-organic-free trade goodness, and then outs himself as a capitalist.
I’m very excited about the evolution of Capitalism and how it will support continual innovation and human creativity. Capitalism is, I believe, the only global force capable of eliminating poverty.
http://www2.wholefoodsmarket.com/blogs/jmackey/
That company is still making bank. Over things one could grow in their own backyard, or make themselves for much less. Making money, exploiting libs. Classic.
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:-) Thanks. I still think my magnet lined purse idea was the best.
Truly, the dude to look at is John Mackey, founder of Whole Foods. Friggin Libertarian-Vegan-Yoga-doing genius. Gets everyone all hooked on the natural-organic-free trade goodness, and then outs himself as a capitalist.
http://www2.wholefoodsmarket.com/blogs/jmackey/
That company is still making bank. Over things one could grow in their own backyard, or make themselves for much less. Making money, exploiting libs. Classic.
Major ****ing H5 for that one...nothing more evil to a friggin libtard than THE TRUTH. :fuelfire:
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I'm such a right-wing jerk that I build radio-controlled robots that are dressed like your average homeless guy and send them out to local middle schools where they offer the candy produced by those skittle-shitting ponies, wrapped in foil and labeled "Kisses for the Sweet", to youngsters walking back and forth to school. They bag an average of 8.6 kids per day.
I'm seriously hoping those are the private schools that Democrat politicians end up sending their kids to, after professing to believe in the public school system, and thereby sentencing our hard-earned money to for decades to shore up a pension system for teachers that aren't qualified to instruct my ****ing DOG on how to take a proper shit in the yard.
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I'm seriously hoping those are the private schools that Democrat politicians end up sending their kids to, after professing to believe in the public school system, and thereby sentencing our hard-earned money to for decades to shore up a pension system for teachers that aren't qualified to instruct my ****ing DOG on how to take a proper shit in the yard.
Alot of truly shitty teachers do enter the system, BUT for some of them, I do feel sorry. Imagine trying to teach the mentally, socially and physically abused by-product of some welfare ho and her succession of live in pimps, er, boyfriends.
There are some kids who, by the time they reach first grade, are total and unredeemable failures. And Mama smoking dope and drinking booze non-stop, and not knowing who Daddy is, well, that sets a kid up for a not so successful outcome in life right there. The smart teachers want no part of ghetto schools. :p
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I work the "will work for food" crowd all day and then split a packet of tomato seeds amongst 'em.
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I work the "will work for food" crowd all day and then split a packet of tomato seeds amongst 'em.
Tell them to fertilize the seeds with their own bullshit and the resultant tomato crop will be out of this world, the next day.
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I such are caring left-wing guy I give the poor money to buy food, I don't eat animals because they have rights too, I'm working to get pot legalized so we can all get high, I drive an efficient car so the world will be clean, I work at a homeless shelter, I believe in taking from the rich to give to the poor and I laugh at right-wing people every chance I get.
:popcorn:
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I such are caring left-wing guy I give the poor money to buy food, I don't eat animals because they have rights too
:popcorn:
You actually get a H5 for paying attention to the thread. :cheersmate:
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You actually get a H5 for paying attention to the thread. :cheersmate:
Hi 5 from me too buddy. You really shoulda incorporated something about guns though. And vibes.
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I drive an efficient car so the world will be clean,
No you don't--you totaled your POS, remember?
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No you don't--you totaled your POS, remember?
I'm just going to buy another are the rental company put me in a Suzuki Swift so technically... ::)
That however was not the point of my post...
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I'm just going to buy another are the rental company put me in a Suzuki Swift so technically... ::)
That however was not the point of my post...
You will NEVER be taken seriously by the bunny hating contingent around here if you continue to use Bugs as your avatar.
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I'm such a right-wing jerk that sometimes I don't take my coke cans out the the recycle bin....I just throw them in the regular trash.
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I buy used Yogos and paint them green so I can sell them as tanks to third world shithole counties like Somalia.
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I'm such a right winged jerk that I keep the house at 65°F during the summer and at 78° in the winter to make sure that I add plenty of CO2 to the atmosphere. Besides, I want the trees to breathe & grow so I can cut them down.
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I'm such a right winged jerk that I keep the house at 65°F during the summer and at 78° in the winter
My sister does that. Your choices are furnace or icebox and not in the order you would expect.