Tell me a funny joke and recieve a Hi5 ...

[Zeus]

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"

[obumazombie]

^Good one Zeus !

[Kyle Ricky]

^^ LOL, they are some good ones. ^5 guys ...

Keep them coming. I am really enjoying reading them.  

[Zeus]

A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enrol their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.

For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room - with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime.

This pattern of behaviour continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened - laid it on the dinner table and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.

Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.

The boy shook his head and said "No."

"Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring?"

"No."

"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"

"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I KNEW they meant business!"

[Kyle Ricky]

  That is great, Zeus.

[obumazombie]

One Sunday service the Pastor, and the music minister were out of synch. After a rousing fire and brimstone message about the evils of alcohol, the Pastor finished his sermon entreating the congregation to throw every bit of demon alcohol into the rive. Without missing a beat the music minister began the post sermon song with "Shall we gather at the river".

[CG6468]

The Arrogance of Authority


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....




(I just love this part....)












"Your badge, show him your BADGE........!!"

[Kyle Ricky]

^^ HAHA, great ones guys. I like that "Your badge, show him your badge!"  ^5 to the both of you.

[Zeus]

Two Jewish gentlemen, long-time friends, happened to meet, and one noticed that the other seemed depressed.

"What's wrong?" he asked

"There's terrible trouble in my family, " the first fellow said. "I sent my son to Israel so that he would come home a better Jew and believe it or not, he came home a Christian."

"It's funny that you should mention that," said the second man. "Exactly the same thing happened to me. I sent my son to Israel so that he'd become a better Jew, and he too, came home a Christian."

They both decided to seek the advice of their rabbi. They went and told their rabbi what had happened in their families.

"It's funny that you should mention that," said the rabbi, "because exactly the same thing happened in our family. I sent my only son to Israel in hope that he would become a better Jew, and, believe it not, he also came home a Christian."

At that, the three men fell to their knees, and with tears streaming down their faces, addressed God the Father Almighty directly. When each of them told the Lord their stories, they heard a voice from heaven reply: "It's funny that you should mention that . . ."

[Kyle Ricky]

^^ lol, good one zeus. 

[A7X_foREVer]

Both of them were great

[Zeus]

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’ Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

[CactusCarlos]

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science and Nature. Her question was, " If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, " Is it on or off ?"

[Kyle Ricky]

LOL. Good ones guys. I heard that one before Zeus. It makes me laugh every time I hear it. ^5's

[CG6468]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.  So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.  She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and he produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.  She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to be know you and wants to borrow $30,000.  He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what the heck is this?

(Are you ready ???)
































The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

[CG6468]

Definition of an outdoor bar-b-que...it's the only type of cooking "real men" will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1)  The woman goes to the store.
2)  The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3)  The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
4)  The man places the meat on the grill.
5)  The woman goes inside to check on the vegetables and set the table.
6)  The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7)  The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8)  The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9)  After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her "night off."








And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[CG6468]

What is a cat?


Consider the evidence:

 1) Cats do what they want.
 2) They rarely listen to you.
 3) They're totally unpredictable.
 4) They whine when they are not happy.
 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
 8) They're moody.
 9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg.
 
Conclusion:











They're tiny little women in cheap fur coats.

[Kyle Ricky]

Good ones, CG. lol. ^5

[CG6468]

This was nominated "Best E-Mail of 1997".


A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service:  Morny. Ruin Sorbees."

Guest:  "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"

RS:  "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"

G:  "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS:  "Ow July den?"

G:  "What??"

RS:  "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G:  "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please"

RS:  "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"

G:  "Crisp will be fine"

RS:  "Hokay. An San tos?"

G:  "What?"

RS:  "San tos. July San tos?"

G:  "I don't think so"

RS:  "No? Judo one toes??"

G:  "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means'."

RS:  "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G:  "English Muffin!! I've got it!! You were saying 'Toast'! Fine! Yes, an English Muffin will be fine."

RS:  "We bother?"

G:  "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS:  "Wad?"

G:  "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS:  "Copy?"

G:  "Sorry?"

RS:  "Copy...tea...mill?"

G:  "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS:  "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"

G:  "Whatever you say"

RS:  "Tendjewberrymund"

G:  "You're welcome!"

[CG6468]

There was a city boy who had just moved into the country. He went for a walk to check out his surroundings and found a farmer selling chickens. The city boy went over to the farmer to investigate, and the farmer asked him if he wanted a male or a female. The city boy asked for both. So the farmer said, "Here you go, one cock and one pullet." The city boy, confused, asked him what he meant. The farmer said, "A cock is a male chicken and a pullet is a female chicken." The city boy said, "Oh," and went on his way with two chickens - one under each arm.
   
A bit further down the road he saw a donkey for sale. He inquired, and the man selling it said, "The ass is $15." The city boy replied, "No, I want the donkey outside in your yard." The man just said, "That's an ass." The city boy, new to these terms, just said, "Oh," and bought the donkey. As he was leaving the man yelled out, "Wait! The ass occasionally gets a bit stubborn about moving, and you have to scratch him behind the ears to get him going again."
   
So as the city boy is going back home, the donkey stops dead in its tracks, and he can't get it to move. He can't scratch its ear because he would have to drop one of the chickens and it would run away. So the city boy starts to fuss and yell at the donkey. While he is doing this, a beautiful woman walks up and asks him if he needs help. The city boy thinks, "Hey, why don't I try to impress this lady by using the country terms that I learned today?" So he says to her, "Yeah, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"

[Kyle Ricky]

This was nominated "Best E-Mail of 1997".


A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.

Room Service:  Morny. Ruin Sorbees."

Guest:  "Sorry, I thought I dialed room service"

RS:  "Rye...Ruin Sorbees...morny! Djewish to oder sunteen??"

G:  "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS:  "Ow July den?"

G:  "What??"

RS:  "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G:  "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please"

RS:  "Ow July dee baychem...crease?"

G:  "Crisp will be fine"

RS:  "Hokay. An San tos?"

G:  "What?"

RS:  "San tos. July San tos?"

G:  "I don't think so"

RS:  "No? Judo one toes??"

G:  "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means'."

RS:  "Toes! Toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

G:  "English Muffin!! I've got it!! You were saying 'Toast'! Fine! Yes, an English Muffin will be fine."

RS:  "We bother?"

G:  "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS:  "Wad?"

G:  "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS:  "Copy?"

G:  "Sorry?"

RS:  "Copy...tea...mill?"

G:  "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS:  "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye??"

G:  "Whatever you say"

RS:  "Tendjewberrymund"

G:  "You're welcome!"

 

[obumazombie]

What do you call a group of contentious registered attendees at a chess tournament, inside the front door of the convention center?














Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer !

[CactusCarlos]

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"Freakin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

 

[CG6468]

Cephas asked Willard..."Do you remember that stuff they used to put in our tea during the war, to make us forget about women?"

"I think you mean saltpeter!"

"Yeap, that's the stuff.... I think it's beginning to work!!

[Zeus]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."