Tell me a funny joke and recieve a Hi5 ...

[obumazombie]

A pilot dies and goes to "H" "e" double toothpicks.
Satan is there to meet him and give him the grand tour.
Satan tells the pilot he is able to in effect choose his own eternal damnation fate.
Satan leads our intrepid pilot down a corridor that is populated with many doors.
The first door leads into the cockpit of an airliner filled with passengers queasy because of the weather they are stuck in.
The copilot is at the controls sweating bullets because he is low on fuel, only enough to land immediately, and still in the clouds, just above decision height, where hopefully he will break out of the clouds, see the runway a half mile, and safely land.
But he is stuck in that moment for the rest of eternity.
The next door is materially the same except the airliner is at decision height, and although weather is reported to be at minimums, there is still no visibility in any direction, and that crew will be there trapped in that moment for the rest of eternity.
By now they reach the end of the hall with an arrow pointing to the right that says "pilots"
Of course, our intrepid pilot ignores the sign, turns left, and before Satan can stop him, he opens the next door.
This cockpit is staffed with beautiful stewardesses, the weather is great, the fuel tanks are full, the scenery is beautiful....
One stewardess is giving the pilot a manicure, one stewardess is giving the first officer a pedicure.
Another stewardess is giving the flight engineer a massage, the stews are also bringing coffee, deli food, anything the pilots want, for eternity.
Our intrepid pilot immediately says, this is where I want to be for all eternity.
Satan says, this is stewardess hell.

[Zeus]

The story of Uncle Bob

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess"

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Green Beret in Vietnam and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land in enemy territory and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."

[Rebel]

A horse, a ho, and Matthew Broderick's wife walk into a bar... 

[CG6468]

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:


1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs.