Ghostwriting for the valedictorian,
"Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished visitors, fellow classmates, and most especially, My Almighty Lord in Heaven,
"Thank you for this opportunity to speak today. It has been a long road, and a tough road, but I knew that those with whom I worship in church on Sunday, when I kneel and pray to my Lord Jesus Christ would understand completely when I say that only through His strength and power and love and compassion was I able to meet the many challenges that were placed in front of me. My classmates can relate as well, but as I'm not allowed to say that I prayed with some of you during those all-nighters that we pulled, well, we're just going to have to leave that to posterity.
"Our keynote speaker will no doubt say that our long journey is just beginning and no doubt he is correct. We have the most productive years of our lives in front of us and there is no question that we, as a class, will best exemplify the courage and dedication to our families and each other that was represented most clearly when I learned in last week's Sunday School that Jesus instructed us to love each other as we do ourselves.
"I am proud to stand in front of you today, not as a valedictorian, but as one of us who met the challenges, fought the fight, and paid the tuition. I am grateful for your support and friendship and I am appreciative of the guidance and counsel given me not just by my academic counselor but also through the will of my Lord Jesus Christ.
"I'm not allowed to preach about my Lord and my Creator and I shall not, in accordance with the dipshit judge who wants to stifle my speech. But I will tell you that only through His guidance and will was I able to persevere. Many, many times I wanted to go out and smoke some hash with some of you (you know who you are), do a little blow, and slam a few Toxic Nuclear Waste Dumps, that fab new drink that I love so much, but God pulled me back and parked my ass in that chair and instructed me to study.
"And I did so. Multiple times, to the point that when I looked up again from my books, three weeks had passed, I needed to pee really badly, and my breath was bad because I hadn't brushed my teeth in that long, but I had memorized the textbook, all referenced materials within, and my lecture notes. There was no way I was going to flunk that exam.
"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for God and His will for me.
"And that's the truth.
"Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished visitors, and fellow classmates, thank you for being the shining beacon in my life thus far. But make no mistake - you guys can't compare to that ray of a million concentrated suns, which is the power and direction of my Lord Jesus Christ."