Tom's Private Hell, a Short Play in Three Acts
by BFDU
Act One: A Curious Phone Call
TiT: I need to file a claim, please.
USAA: We paid that claim several years ago, sir.
TiT: There's no way you could have paid that claim years ago. The claim didn't exist then.
USAA: Listen, sport, we paid the claim years ago.
TiT: I can verify that, you know, at which point you can be prosecuted under the Stolen Claims Act.
(sound of other line clicking, followed by dial tone)
Act Two: Another Bizarre Call
TiT: Yes, hello, I'm trying to file a claim, and I'm having some difficulty...
USAA: That can't be. We've paid the second-greatest amount of claims in insurance history.
TiT: I don't think that's true. I think I need to call the California Board of Insurance.
USAA: There's no point doing that. We're drinking buddies. Hell, they get us out of most of the claims we have to pay these days.
TiT: You know, I can probably verify that, too. I don't think they'd like you lying about them.
(sound of other line clicking, followed by dial tone)
Act Three: Another Inexplicable Call
TiT: I am at my wit's end with you people. I just want my claim paid.
USAA: Did we mention that we were close personal friends with Tom Snyder?
TiT: You mean the guy who is so old that (a) he was lampooned on SNL by Dan Aykroyd in the 70s, and (b) is dead?
USAA: You know, I could very easily take a special marker to your file, so it would only show under certain kinds of light.
TiT: What. The. Hell?
USAA: Listen, Mr. Wright, we know millionairesses who are working back channels as we speak to take down the Bush Regime. You don't want to piss her off.
TiT: Is that a threat?
USAA: No. We just know rich people that you don't. By the way, would you like to buy a Snowbunny? How about a nice piece of Spode? A Ziggy card? Some Webkinz?
(sound of TiT's phone clicking...dial tone)
Annnnnnnd.....SCENE.