http://www.democraticunderground.com/114213245Oh my.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 07:18 PM
Any advice on helping an elderlyt aunt quit smoking?
She's 92.
She has been smoking for 75 years. She has no health effects from the habit. None.
She does not smoke in bed, only sitting in her chair by the TV. There have been no incidents.
The care facility (she has a cottage apartment there) suggests that she quit. My sister decided that auntie will quit cold turkey, with a patch.
It has been a week, and so far she has borrowed several packs from neighbors and planning to go to the store to buy some for herself.
If quitting is hell for younger people, it must be hell for someone with this history.
Any hints on how to help her get through this? She's chafing under the restrictions.
Most primitives at this thread agree that if Judy's aunt has gotten this far in life, let her be.
But what's more interesting is the fight with Judy's sister.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 07:34 PM
7. thank you for validation
...and the others who also posted.
This is the tip of the iceberg of a larger issue, which is that my sister has power of attorney over auntie and is (I know) abusing that duty. Sister is a controlling teabagger authoritarian. She has secret meetings with facility staff and does not explain results to auntie, just springs these surprise restrictions on her. She does not authorize expenditures that need to be made for auntie, such as a 4-wheel walker, rug cleaning and maintenance, etc. Auntie has plenty of money, having inherited from her brother. Sister has her children as co-owners of the investment accounts.
It's an abusive situation that I have recently realized is significant. Some gaslighting going on, and removing items from the apartment, etc. (Aunt's husband's WW2 medals, heirloom handmade toys, etc.)
I am doing what I can to smooth things for auntie.
But this week the smoking issue is pathetic. She had all her butts laid on the counter today trying to figure out how she could get a puff. And getting a bit cantankerous about it!
She can easily go to the store on the facility bus. No problem there. My sister removed her checks, but auntie still has a credit card in her wallet (as far as she knows).
Then a primitive suggests Judy become the power of attorney, after which:
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:21 PM
24. this would cause a firestorm of epic proportions
The screaming from my sister could probably be heard coast to coast. She would no doubt try to turn other family members against me, and might even get some legal intervention.
In that case, I could request that a conservator be appointed by a judge. That might not help auntie be independent, but would stop the apparent abuse.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:24 PM
25. yes, I have read up on the details of getting POA revoked. It's easy.
The family ramifications might be bitter, though. Maybe I will get a consultation with an elder law atty.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 07:36 PM
8. I agree.
I would not make her quit under these punitive-feeling circumstances. It is cruel.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:14 PM
22. yeah, I'm worrying that sister will at any moment try to get her declared incompetent.
...and then there would be no hope of loosening control.
Sister would be a shrieking maniac if I try to get POA changed. It's hard to know how to proceed, but I feel a duty to auntie to support her independence. She's my mom's little sister, and my mom would protect her.
Maybe I'll print this thread out for moral support. Heh.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:15 PM
23. She's being gaslighted, and controlled.
I am pushing back against that.
<<<wonders what "gaslighted" means.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 10:52 PM
28. I agree
It is my sister who is forcing this. I'm looking for a way to ease things.
Auntie started smoking during WW2. She met a young handsome GI at the roller rink. They had two dates, and then he was shipped out to fight the Nazis in Europe and in Africa. She started smoking because he did, and when she lit a cigarette, she thought he might be going the same thing at the same moment.
He sent her an engagement ring from a hospital in England. Four years after he left, he came home and they were married. But while he was away, cigs were her link to him wherever he might be.
He's been gone for about 15 years now.
Another primitive suggests Judy buy her aunt a carton, after which:
grasswire (41,348 posts) Tue Aug 26, 2014, 11:02 PM
30. my cousin did that over the weekend
He bought her a pack. My sister found out and had a hissy fit and confiscated them. I appreciate your comments about the stress for her. When I was there today, she was definitely suffering.
grasswire (41,348 posts) Wed Aug 27, 2014, 08:00 PM
36. good points, thanks
I guess we have all been cowering under the grim glares of Sis.
The facility will not meet with me. Sis has POA, and they will only talk to her.
Today I put out queries for referral to a lawyer who could handle POA revocation p, and I talked to my state representative (a friend) who says office staff will file a complai against POA if I can't get help for auntie.
Scary, but I have to do it.
And finally, something that's not part of Judy's problem with her sister:
cbayer (134,601 posts) Wed Aug 27, 2014, 04:53 AM
33. If she does not want to quit, I don't think there is anything you can do.
I quit 2 months ago after 45 years, but I was highly motivated.
What is the point here? She's 92 and healthy and there is no evidence that she is placing herself or others at risk.
My vote is to let her be.
