So the NFL has caught the PC bug and it is currently debating penalizing players who use coarse language while playing the game. What's next, dishonorably discharging sailors for swearing? Fining rap singers for crude words?
I am no big fan of political correctness, but I am also not a big fan of foul language. I grew up with the grandma rule of polite speech -- you should use language you would be comfortable using around your grandmother. And since my grandmother was not a Marine drill sergeant, that left out the kind of words that professional football players throw at each other in the heat of the game.
Pro football players should not despair. Should the NFL ban naughty words, they can use words made popular by an old master of the language, William Shakespeare and a new master of the language, Tim Hawkins.
Here are some fightin' words to throw across the scrimmage line that will avoid a penalty flag:
¨Though art a flesh-monger, a fool and a coward.¨
¨You tooter!¨
¨You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.¨
¨Your mother eats bull twinkies!¨
¨There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune¨
¨You son of a biscuit eater! You son of a baptist preacher! You son of a bacon bit. You son of a motherless goat!¨
¨Though art as loathsome as a toad.¨
¨Good googlie-mooglie!¨
¨Go prick thy face and over-red thy fear. Thou lily liver'd boy.¨
¨Jumping Jehosiphats! You bucket head.¨
¨Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow catch!¨
¨You horse petootie!¨
¨You starvelling, you eel-skin, you dried neat's-tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stock-fish. O for breath to utter what is like thee! You tailor's yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing tuck!¨
¨Shut the front door!¨
¨Peace, ye fat guts!¨
¨Crud muffins!¨
¨Thou poisonous bunch-back'd toad!¨
¨You fart knocker!¨
¨Your virginity breeds mites, much like cheese.¨
¨Holy guacamole!¨
¨Come, come, you forward and unable worms!¨
¨Shut your pie hole and kiss my grits!¨
¨Methink'st thou art a general offence and every man should beat thee.¨
Any other non-swearing insults you would recommend to football players?
The Fiddling Ant
