http://www.democraticunderground.com/11514552Oh my.
An old campfire, but still burning in the loony bin.
Tobin S. (6,261 posts) Thu Oct 24, 2013, 02:48 PM
Do you think it is important to forgive those who have wronged you?
This is not necessarily about religion. I know many religious people think it is important to forgive those who have wronged them. I've also run across a lot of people who aren't religious who feel the same way. I think I'm turning into one of them.
A little while back I listened to a talk by a man named Walt Everett. You can probably find him on the web. He is a Methodist pastor whose son was murdered. It was a very moving talk and I cannot adequately relate everything that was said or the emotion here. So to make a long story short, Walt not only found a way to forgive the man who murdered his son, he actually became friends with him. The man only served three years in prison and since being released has led the life of a model citizen becoming a successful manager at a trucking company.
It's an amazing story. Walt credits the transformation of himself and his son's killer to the work of God. I think they should give themselves a little more credit, but I'm not going to judge.
My ability to forgive is not nearly as profound. Once realizing that my family had a hand in the development of my mental illness I began to distance myself from them. I was incredibly angry at first. It's been over three years now and I think I'm really ready to forgive. I've probably talked about it before here, but I don't think I've really felt the kind of shift in my mind that indicates a true change until now. I'm really not angry at them anymore.
I've evolved a great deal since I started being successfully treated for bipolar disorder. The man I am today is unrecognizable as the man who was wheeled onto psych ward of a hospital unconscious on a gurney ten years ago. I've gone from being desperately, suicidally, mentally ill to leading a charmed life. Things are going so well that sometimes I can't help but think that there has been some kind of divine intervention even though I generally don't believe in that stuff.
The thing I had to admit to myself was that my family has evolved as well. They are better people than they used to be and that kind of change does not come without some recognition of one's own mistakes.
So I will honor that evolution and at the same time rid myself of the last of my hate. Everybody wins.
elleng (44,059 posts) Thu Oct 24, 2013, 04:01 PM
2. No, and I don't think I can.
Sorry, but not 'evolved' enough, I guess. Still angry when I think about it, even tho have received some 'compensation.'
^^^a few years ago, was locked in a bitter divorce; both she and her now-late ex-husband were attorneys.
One day, her now-late ex-husband gave her a bunch of real-estate forms to sign.
She, an attorney, remember, signed them without reading them.
Denninmi (6,581 posts) Thu Oct 24, 2013, 04:36 PM
3. Bitter is my middle name now.
I say it depends in who and how they hurt you.
<<<wonders what the now-gone Dennis the Menace was bitter about; he left Skins's island without telling us.
HereSince1628 (27,969 posts) Thu Oct 24, 2013, 06:05 PM
4. If holding a grudge bothers you, yes. Otherwise...not so much.
A few months ago, I realized my older brother (by six years) modeled my parents behavior.
I don't forgive him for that, although I understand how he came to bad behavior.
One day while he was baby sitting me while I was 6-7 he hit me, actually punched me in the face, for 'not obeying him', he knocked out 2 teeth, broke a 3rd, and the force of the mis-mash of broken enamel and dentine cut my gum to the bone. The bone stayed exposed for 3 years...until an elementary "Dental Hygiene Day" resulted in my parents being called into the school to explain why they accepted the trauma as a part of my natural childhood...the delay took out 2 more teeth.
mopinko (40,254 posts) Fri Oct 25, 2013, 10:05 AM
9. understanding maybe
i tell my kids- i am all flaws, held together by good intentions. they are slowly, as they get to be adults, starting to figure out that i did the best i could, AND that it was not THEIR fault. i want so badly for them to understand. i couldn't love them any more, and for them to not feel that from me is so frustrating. so i hope for forgiveness, for sure.
but i also, as i get really older, understand my own parents more, especially my dad. he too, was all flaws. a terrible alcoholic. but also a genius, charming as could be, and when he could be, a great dad.
i mostly hated and feared him all my life. but now i find myself accidentally on a path and in a place that he would have done just anything for. and i see my kids with the same love of animals, and growing things, which were his gifts to me. and i have finally found something to really thank him for. and for that i am quite grateful.
^^^the hypochondrial dropsical tattooed primitive who's pissed off at franksolich.
<<<has no idea why.
BainsBane (21,980 posts) Sun Oct 27, 2013, 09:40 AM
10. Yes, it's crucial
When we hold on to grudges, we are the ones who feel that pain, not the person we are angry with. You forgive them for yourself, so that you can move forward with your life. In the case of parents, they can't change the past. None of us can. All we can do is create a meaningful relationship with them in the present. My sense is that you would not be leading the charmed life you describe if you had not found a way to move on from past resentments.
Also in the case of bi-polar disorder, you probably already know there is a very strong genetic component to the disease. You could have had the best parents in the world and still developed BPD.
auntAgonist (16,726 posts) Sun Dec 29, 2013, 09:24 AM
13. I have tried and I can't. Wish I could. But it's not happening.
^^^a primitive who has piles, big ones.
hunter (17,989 posts) Sun Dec 29, 2013, 05:05 PM
14. It's something you do for yourself, not others.
If forgiveness doesn't work, flee. Put it behind.
Revenge or schadenfreude have rarely worked out for me.
Well, schadenfreude maybe once... there was this kid in middle school who used to torment me. He beat me bloody a few times. His dad was a tough guy and he was a tough guy. My middle school identity was science geek "queer-bait." I was a skinny, squeaky, clumsy, clueless, and a highly reactive kid. Picked last for sports. This guy got an "A" in Physical Education. All I got an honorable mention for "trying" and a "C" for mostly staying out of trouble. I'd wear the pink and violet P.E. uniform when I forgot my own. (Heh. I solved that problem in high school by never taking my P.E. uniform home to be washed... by the end of the year it was stiff and smelled bad. Maybe one of the many reasons I decided to quit high school.)
So this middle school bully and I crossed paths years later. He was the boy-toy of an older professional woman.
I'd "grown up" to be taller than he was, stronger than he was, I had my kids with me, and I was happy.
But Good God, I was a gentleman. His lady friend sparkled to hear the better things of his past. Like he and I were old school chums. The poor guy's expression moved from terror when he first saw me to eternal gratitude as we all chatted.
On the other hand there are people I avoid, people who hurt me badly. It's not about forgiveness, psycho-babble" avoidance, or anything like that. It's just dark empty places, holes in my life I don't want to fall into again.
Best one can do is solve the problems and then forgive one's self. After that forgiving others is much easier.
