primitives discuss Thanksgiving disasters

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/115734822

Oh my.

Posted just as a reminder to the cooking and baking primitives that their patron franksolich hasn't forgotten about them, not the least.  It's been a busy couple of weeks, and likely to be even busier next week, when the cooking and baking primitives are getting nominated for the Top DUmmies of 2013.

Tab (9,336 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 03:23 PM

Is it too early to talk Thanksgiving disasters?

Sometimes you can be a power of example to others of what not to do.

I've had years where (starting out) I've either overcooked or undercooked a turkey, but the one thing I remember is a family legend that probably occurred when I was either not yet born or was extremely young. My parents were visiting my aunt's house, many years ago, and my aunt had this wonderful old classic oven but had overstuffed the turkey and (I assume) sewn it up too tight, and when she took it out of the oven and did something to it (don't know what) it exploded and sent turkey parts all over the kitchen and to the ceiling. Needless to say, it couldn't really be eaten. I think they all just drank wine instead.

northoftheborder (3,934 posts)   Sat Nov 23, 2013, 04:05 PM

1. Heh!!!

Worst disaster at holiday (might have been Christmas) and only associated with cooking indirectly:
 
Someone broke a glass in the disposal while it was going! My three grown sons agreed that the correct thing to do was to vacuum the glass out, and over my protests, proceeded to try to do that. Of course the glass which could not be vacuumed out completely disabled the disposal, and the glass and liquid in the disposal ruined the vacuum cleaner!!! ARGHHHH!
 
Besides that time, my disposal stories are "storied". I stop mine up frequently, usually in a hurry cooking something before a large gathering of people which needs a large quantity of peeled vegetables or fruit: carrot & apple & potato peels are my favorite.
 
Most embarrasing failure to provide proper food for semi-vegetarian guest: (could eat poultry and fish). All the ingredients for a delicious roasted quail were assembled. I opened the packages of quail, purchased the day before, and they were spoiled. So, we had to have left-over ham pieces from the Christmas ham; of course the semi-vegetarian could not eat it, and since I did not have enough side dishes the meal was less than adequate. This same family member later gave up her non meat-eating only to become wheat intolerant. We had fixed a delicious chili as the main dish (not holiday) but never thought to check the chili mix seasoning package which had wheat traces. AARGGH! Failure again.
 
I've almost stopped cooking for large gatherings - it's now the next generation's turn!!!

Warpy (72,856 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 04:07 PM

2. My mother actually did roast a whole chicken with the guts inside, the classic "whaddya mean stuff it? it wasn't hollow!" Yes, she and my dad went out for hamburgers that night.
 
The only major disasters I remember weren't on holidays, it was during her mercifully brief infatuation with Gayelord Hauser, the wheat germ king. She was just generally a very unenthusiastic and always a resentful cook and it showed. She never served undercooked turkey, at any rate, and of course the breast was dry, that happens if you want the legs and thighs cooked perfectly. Pan gravy compensated nicely.
 
I don't buy the exploding turkey story. The stuffing might have exited the cavity enthusiastically, but didn't have enough power to blow apart cooked muscle and bone unless she'd tucked in a couple of blasting caps for flavoring.
 
It's a fun story, though.

Tab (9,336 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 04:16 PM

3. They swear it's true

I wasn't there, or wasn't old enough, so I don't know, but both my aunt and my mother have told it. In my aunt's version (she's 90 now) it happened in the oven. In my mother's version (she's 80 now) it was removed from the oven. I honestly think it happened and she had sewn it too tight; thinking about it, my aunt's versions is probably more accurate because I can see that happening while cooking, not so much on removal. Regardless, the damned thing apparently did explode and ruined something, and couldn't be eaten.

If the cooking and baking primitives want to see a Thanksgiving disaster, they should consult:

"the brain-damaged primitive spends Thanksgiving with franksolich"
http://www.conservativecave.com/index.php/topic,92646.0.html

One of the cooking and baking primitive's a prominent character in it, the fizzy one.

[Freeper]

When I was a boy one Thanksgiving I was outside playing with my new bb gun, I shot an icicle and it fell striking me in the eye and breaking my glasses, when I ran in the house the neighbor dogs all got in and made a beeline for the turkey and ruined it. So we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and they sang Thanksgiving songs in broken English to us.

Probably as true as any primitive's tale. 

[DumbAss Tanker]

When I was a boy one Thanksgiving I was outside playing with my new bb gun, I shot an icicle and it fell striking me in the eye and breaking my glasses, when I ran in the house the neighbor dogs all got in and made a beeline for the turkey and ruined it. So we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and they sang Thanksgiving songs in broken English to us.

Probably as true as any primitive's tale.  

Yeah, but it would never fly over there because it doesn't involve getting in a political argument with some reichwing fatcat who came into the restaurant, and left after you embarrassed him, to the cheers of the oppressed illegal Chinese immigrant wait staff forced to work for less than minimum wage by the BFEE.

[Dori]

I can't think of any real disasters.  My SIL and I were getting everything to the table, when the turkey slipped off the platter.  We just wiped it off and didn't tell anyone.  

Another story was my neighbor was only having her four family members for dinner, so she bought a half turkey.  On Thanksgiving eve her brothers and their families decided to come, so she ran out and bought another half.  She sewed them together, but the two halves were both the left side of the bird.  They all had a good laugh.  It had a leg going in each direction.

Another neighbor told the story of her mom cooking a squab inside the cavity of the turkey as a joke. She was just a kid and thought it was a baby turkey.  The experience didn't leave a fond childhood memory.  

[JohnnyReb]

Worst Thanksgiving I ever had....I went hunting all day with a great uncle and all we had for lunch was a PEPSI and a pack of crackers....and that was back when there were only 4 crackers in a pack.....and it was also my birthday.

WTH: I'd do it again. Any day hunting with great uncle David and uncle Gary was a good day.

[franksolich]

fizzgig (18,915 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 04:40 PM

4. we undercooked the turkey three or four years ago

but we were just stupid about it. the thermometer went off after a suspiciously short amount of time and for some reason we didn't temp it in another spot and just pulled it out

i set the marshmallows on the sweet potatoes on fire under the broiler a few years ago. we tried to make some fancy red wine gravy that year and it just came out lumpy and purple.

BlueToTheBone (3,463 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 05:08 PM

5. I'm trying something completely different this year.

I have purchased pastured turkeys in the past and they are always stringy and tough. So this year I did some research and low and behold, you don't cook the turkey at 325, you cook at 400 for a short period of time, like an hour. I'm also going to brine it because that is supposed to keep the flavor and juiciness in. Wish me luck. It will either work or we'll have a vegetarian meal. Family and friends dinner for 10. :fingers crossed:

Tab (9,340 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 05:15 PM

6. I've tried brining

It's tricky because if you overdo it, it becomes too stiff and might be almost ham-like. The main problem is that it takes up a hell of a lot of space in the fridge. I tried it when I owned a large home with two fridges, but I don't see how I could do that now.
 
A lot of recipes do have roasting meat at a high temp then dropping it, so you're not necessarily on the wrong track, the problem is that people normally cook turkeys once a year, and there's a little learning curve to be applied, so it can take a few attempts. Barbara Kafka's book on Roasting is a good reference as are a zillion web articles on Thanksgiving turkeys.

BlueToTheBone (3,463 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 06:44 PM

7. Yes, it said to brine no more than 12-18 hours. I thought I go for the light end.

I glad you reminded me. I had trouble adjusting the refrigerator temp to 38 degrees. It loves 30. So I added an extra day for the pork because it said under 34 there wouldn't be the chemical reaction. But I think I'll err on the side of not over brining. I'll put the turkey in the day before Thanksgiving so it can rest overnight after its brining bath.
 
Happy food! I have an instant temp thermometer so I feel confident. My book doesn't say turn down the heat, but if the breast is done and the legs aren't hack the legs off and put them back in for another few minutes.

It's moving slower than molasses in the cooking and baking forum tonight.

[Dori]

Worst Thanksgiving I ever had....I went hunting all day with a great uncle and all we had for lunch was a PEPSI and a pack of crackers....and that was back when there were only 4 crackers in a pack.....and it was also my birthday.

WTH: I'd do it again. Any day hunting with great uncle David and uncle Gary was a good day.

Did you at least bag a turkey?

[JohnnyReb]

Did you at least bag a turkey?

No. We were quail hunting....got many that day.

[Karin]

   Dori wins the thread with 3 excellent examples. 

So, we had to have left-over ham pieces from the Christmas ham; of course the semi-vegetarian could not eat it, and since I did not have enough side dishes the meal was less than adequate. This same family member later gave up her non meat-eating only to become wheat intolerant. We had fixed a delicious chili as the main dish (not holiday) but never thought to check the chili mix seasoning package which had wheat traces. AARGGH! Failure again.

Seriously, I think if you're going to have fussy and impossible-to-satisfy food requirements, you should just eat at home.  Anything else is just attention-whoring.  Feed yourself, and join them for after dinner socializing or whatever.  "wheat traces."  Good Lord. 

[Wineslob]

she took it out of the oven and did something to it (don't know what) it exploded and sent turkey parts all over the kitchen and to the ceiling.

Umm, it's not a turkey that you put a can of beer into, and not un-opened.



 

[BattleHymn]

When I was a boy one Thanksgiving I was outside playing with my new bb gun, I shot an icicle and it fell striking me in the eye and breaking my glasses, when I ran in the house the neighbor dogs all got in and made a beeline for the turkey and ruined it. So we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and they sang Thanksgiving songs in broken English to us.

Probably as true as any primitive's tale. 

Nice.  You should win a major award. 

[lastparker]

BlueToTheBone (3,463 posts)    Sat Nov 23, 2013, 05:08 PM

5. I'm trying something completely different this year.

I have purchased pastured turkeys in the past and they are always stringy and tough. So this year I did some research and low and behold, you don't cook the turkey at 325, you cook at 400 for a short period of time, like an hour. I'm also going to brine it because that is supposed to keep the flavor and juiciness in. Wish me luck. It will either work or we'll have a vegetarian meal. Family and friends dinner for 10. :fingers crossed:

Uh huh, good luck with that.

My only disaster involved brining - it was a few years ago when every cooking show on the planet was brining everything.  Oh, it worked well for the turkey itself, but it never dawned on me that all that salt would infuse the pan drippings, so I made my gravy as always, and we all liberally applied said gravy to the turkey and the stuffing and the mashed potatoes, and everything was rendered inedible.  Don't mess with my gravy, Food Network.

[Karin]

Yeah, I was going to say, 400 degrees for just an hour?  EarlG better hurry up and set up that dead DUmmie forum. 

I never got on the brine bandwagon.  It makes it taste vaguely of corned beef.   And what a pain in the ass in the fridge! 

I'm sorry about your gravy, Lastparker.     Gravy is one of my favorite food groups. 

[miskie]

I believe the worst Thanksgiving disaster would be to invite a primitive over for dinner. Especially one that posts on DU.

[GOBUCKS]

And what a pain in the ass in the fridge! 

Well the only times I've brined a turkey, I've used a cooler and left it overnight in an unheated garage. No refrigerator problem. I just never thought it made the turkey taste any better, so why go to the trouble?

I do hope the DUmmy turns the oven up to 400F and waits until an hour before dinner to put the bird in the oven.

Sixty minutes later, the DUmmy will have a really nice juicy bird, and his guests will be impressed.

In fact, guests will be so impressed they'll be talking about it for years.

[Chris_]

The Truth About Brining

Look at the pretty pictures.

[obumazombie]

When I was a boy one Thanksgiving I was outside playing with my new bb gun, I shot an icicle and it fell striking me in the eye and breaking my glasses, when I ran in the house the neighbor dogs all got in and made a beeline for the turkey and ruined it. So we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant and they sang Thanksgiving songs in broken English to us.

Probably as true as any primitive's tale. 

I was beginning to become hypnotized by that story. Better by far than any DU story I have seen.

[Dori]

Yeah, I was going to say, 400 degrees for just an hour?  EarlG better hurry up and set up that dead DUmmie forum. 

 

 

I never got on the brine bandwagon.  It makes it taste vaguely of corned beef.   And what a pain in the ass in the fridge! 

I'm sorry about your gravy, Lastparker.     Gravy is one of my favorite food groups. 

I've never brined a turkey.  I did soak a chicken in salt water for about an hour before roasting...that turned out really good and moist.

I was watching FOX the other morning and they were showing how to deep fry a turkey.  What the guy did first, was to mix about a half package of dry ranch dressing in a bowl of water.  He used a big syringe and injected the turkey with it. 

[GOP Congress]

I'm searching for the threads on "how do we deal with the rethug family members?" They seem to be in short supply this season thanks to Mr. Obamacare.

[BattleHymn]

My moonbat in-laws are displaying their liberal family values by going to the casinos to gamble on Thanksgiving.  At least they did didn't try to invite us to go along this year. 

[Chris_]

My moonbat in-laws are displaying their liberal family values by going to the casinos to gamble on Thanksgiving.  At least they did didn't try to invite us to go along this year. 

If you spend enough, the casino will comp your meal.

I guess that counts as "free".

[BattleHymn]

If you spend enough, the casino will comp your meal.

I guess that counts as "free".

That's the exact line they tried on us once before! 

[landofconfusion80]

I'm searching for the threads on "how do we deal with the rethug family members?" They seem to be in short supply this season thanks to Mr. Obamacare.

I think they're wedged somewhere between all the porn campfires that have been popping up.

[Karin]

Thanks for the article, Chris.

[Celtic Rose]

Worst Thanksgiving was 4-5 years ago. My mom was enjoying a glass of wine after getting most of the dinner prep done.  She tripped, dropped the glass, and landed on the broken glass.  She ended up in the ER getting her hand stitched up.  However, I was managed to get dinner on the table, and all of the blood cleaned up,  by the time she and my dad came home.