primitives discuss being a lousy parent

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1160406

Oh my.

laundry_queen (4,618 posts)    Wed Jun 26, 2013, 03:54 AM

I committed a cardinal parenting sin. And I feel so guilty.

I totally missed something super important to my 6 yo - her kindergarten graduation. Now, she goes to a different school than my older 3 did, and they didn't have any such thing as kindergarten graduation at their schools. I remember reading about it a month back or so on the school calendar (all it said was 'kindergrad' and no info on what time or where) and wondering what it was exactly. I figured her teacher would send me an email before it happened. I should've known better - they had the graduation a few days ago and I didn't go. My daughter came home upset that she was the only child without parents there. I felt sick that I missed something that important, and angry that her teacher didn't contact me or email me.
 
One thing I've noticed where I currently live is there are tons of stay at home parents, mostly moms, and that the dads all own their own businesses and take time off all the time to go to school functions. I'm a single mom of 4, and I'm in school full time. I recently had to write a national exam (to try to become an accountant) and so I've been somewhat absorbed in that. I have only had the time to go to the school and talk to the teacher once in the last month. Apparently, all the other parents talk to her all the time, so she sees little need to email, which makes me angry. My older 3 all have teachers and schools that email constantly, especially before large important events. I guess I've come to rely on those emails too much - and I expect them. Over the last few years, every teacher has emailed regularly, until this year's kindergarten teacher. I talked with her on the phone the week I had my exam, and I remember telling her that I needed an email with important dates because I was very flakey lately with all that's on my mind (we just moved too, and I just got served with divorce papers - finally - and my oldest dd is going through some serious depression and I have some health issues going on....and my ex is not very involved with the kids on a day-to-day basis). She said she always sends emails. I told her I only get a few. I talked to other parents who said she doesn't email much.
 
So with everything going on, I feel super overwhelmed. I have family nearby but they are little help. My mom's idea of helping is to take the kids to the lake for the weekend - something I don't approve of because her idea of safety around the water is not ideal, IMO. Besides, I don't need to be relieved of my kids as I enjoy having them around - I need help with the little things like cooking or cleaning. Again, my mom's idea of helping was to hire me as her housekeeper. So I clean her house in addition to everything - but she pays me so I feel like I have to do it, even though it's super stressful. I get jealous of those families with 2 parents, with a stay at home mom - that used to be me. I never missed anything like this before, EVER with my older 3. I feel jealous and guilty and like a total failure as a parent.
 
Anyway, so I when missed the graduation I apologized to my daughter and told her mommy didn't know about it and that I was sorry she felt sad and alone, I reassured her I loved her very much and I really wanted to be there with her. I told her I would try to make it up to her and asked her if she could think of anything that I could do that would make her feel better. She listed off a bunch of things (play a board game, have a picnic, etc) that we've since done, but I need some reassurance from other parents that she won't be scarred for life.

I'm very angry with the teacher but don't know if I SHOULD be (for background, I had a dysfunctional upbringing and am awful at knowing what is normal or what isn't. I'm also very conflict averse.) after all, it should've been up to me to find out what was meant by 'kindergrad'. Any ideas on what I should say to the teacher or if I should bother? Tomorrow is the last day of school, but it's just a picnic and then early dismissal so somewhat an optional day that my dd has decided she doesn't want to go to. I don't even know if it's worth it to bother to say something.

The kid'll get over it.

uppityperson (76,182 posts)    Wed Jun 26, 2013, 04:49 AM

1. She won't be scarred for life and will be very happy to spend special time with just you.

My child is 25 and didn't have kindergrad, think it started after and it always seemed silly to me. Not so much an achievement but a made up sort of one. He did wrestling thing in 4 & 5 th grade, at the end of the two month wekly practice ( and what a kick that was to wastch) they had a meet with everyone getting a medal. The second yr he had to be out of town for the meet so the coach just handed him the medal. He looked really sad, like why get this for nothing, it meant nothing. I made up he was "most improved" which helped but it brought home that kids do not need medals, awards, graduations "just because" but for things they have truly earned.
 
I know having the rest of the parents there and you not must make you feel incredibly guilty, but don't. At the least, you have shown your child it is ok to make mistakes and indeed he/she will most likely love to spend quality time with just you more.
 
Edited, and your child will have a long and happy life, with this being such a minor blip in the larger scheme of their life.

laundry_queen (4,618 posts)    Tue Jul 2, 2013, 02:17 AM

4. I agree

My kids' new schools seem to go overboard with the awards for no real reason. They really coddle the kids here, unlike their old school. I think you're right - kids know when they've earned something and they appreciate it much more.
 
I felt even more guilty when I attended my older child's year end assembly because she asked me to. She was so happy for me to just BE there. I felt even worse for my younger daughter. But as I said in my other post, we have had a fun week and spent a lot of time together (camping) and we just got a new puppy so kindergrad is hopefully a long lost memory.

kdmorris (4,717 posts)    Thu Jun 27, 2013, 02:33 PM

2. I was a single parent and struggling to keep up when I missed my (now 21 year old) daughter's kindergarten graduation. The teacher sent home a flyer about it without making it clear to the children that it was important. My daughter mentioned that they were having a party, but when questioned, she wasn't sure why.
 
So I missed it and she came home and showed me her little graduation certificate. And I was really upset. She was NOT really upset. She seemed to think it was something kind of dumb and wasn't upset that I wasn't there.
 
I did tell the teacher that I was upset that she hadn't made it more clear to the children and parents what was going on. Throwing a flyer in a backpack and expecting a 5 year old to remember to give it to me was not cool.
 
Anyway, she most certainly doesn't remember it now and your daughter will understand, since you made such an effort to explain to her that you weren't there because you didn't know... not because you didn't care.

laundry_queen (4,618 posts)    Tue Jul 2, 2013, 02:13 AM

3. Thank you, that was helpful.

So far, my dd has not mentioned it anymore. We've had a fun week and she seems to have forgotten for now. A new puppy helps (lol, don't worry I didn't get a new puppy just because of this, it was planned long before that, but the timing is great.)

[BattleHymn]

The OP somehow managed to compile FIVE PARAGRAPHS about missing a kindergartener's graduation. 

These people need help. 

[franksolich]

The OP somehow managed to compile FIVE PARAGRAPHS about missing a kindergartener's graduation. 

These people need help. 

To be honest, I never even heard of "kindergarten graduation".

What's next?  Graduation from the sixth grade, into junior high school?

[BattleHymn]

To be honest, I never even heard of "kindergarten graduation".

What's next?  Graduation from the sixth grade, into junior high school?

Too late, it's already here.  My brother-in-law had to miss part of a family event one year because his mother insisted he attend his half-brother's "graduation" from elementary to junior high.

[GOBUCKS]

To be honest, I never even heard of "kindergarten graduation".

What's next?  Graduation from the sixth grade, into junior high school?

I've heard of it, and also from elementary school to junior high.

I hate manufactured milestones like that. They cheapen legitimate achievements later.

It's the same thing as everyone getting a trophy.

My guess is that parents who make a big deal out of phony ceremonies like "kindergarten graduation" are the same obnoxious trailer trash who scream and shout at high school graduation ceremonies.

[sybilll]

It took her 7 paragraphs to excuse why she sucks as a parent? Related: why don't these single moms EVER, and I mean EVER mention that they don't get child support from the fathers?

[AprilRazz]

I've heard of it, and also from elementary school to junior high.

I hate manufactured milestones like that. They cheapen legitimate achievements later.

It's the same thing as everyone getting a trophy.

My guess is that parents who make a big deal out of phony ceremonies like "kindergarten graduation" are the same obnoxious trailer trash who scream and shout at high school graduation ceremonies.

Don't get me started about the behavior of some of Obama's relatives at my son's HS graduation.

[Skul]

To be honest, I never even heard of "kindergarten graduation".

What's next?  Graduation from the sixth grade, into junior high school?

I'm surprised.  In that small town you're well aware of, I graduated kindergarten.
Little white robes, mortarboard, the works.
You were cheated, coach. 

[franksolich]

I'm surprised.  In that small town you're well aware of, I graduated kindergarten.
Little white robes, mortarboard, the works.
You were cheated, coach. 

I noticed that cultural difference when I moved up over here, on the eastern foothills of the Sandhills; they have "receptions" and "open houses" for students who've graduated from high school.

WTF?

Out in the heart of the Sandhills, that would've been considered an unpardonable pretension; nobody did anything "special" for mere high school graduates other than sending a greetings-card, sometimes with a check in it.  That was it, and that's still generally it.

I mean, it's not like graduation from high school is anything remarkable; one's supposed to graduate from high school; it's routinely expected as one of those things one must do, like wiping one's ass after sitting on the commode.

Even graduation from college--whoop-de-do.  One went to college, and so it's expected that one graduate, nothing extraordinary about it.

About the most a college graduate could expect was being taken out to McDonald's by the parents and other older members of the family.

Seriously.  Why are people making big deals out of trivial accomplishments?

[jtyangel]

It took her 7 paragraphs to excuse why she sucks as a parent? Related: why don't these single moms EVER, and I mean EVER mention that they don't get child support from the fathers?

And every excuse I could have written myself. I don't think the child support thing is accurate in this case. She just said the ex isn't active in the day to day which is true of my situation too and what it means is he gets them regularly but I do all the planning, shuttling, buying, etc to make sure the kids can be ready for school or other events. I take that to mean she still has to function like a stay at home mother to the kids while no longer being one and the ex still behaves as if he has a stay at home parent as a partner to pull that duty. Like her I work and go to school full time ad I have missed things because I forget with how overloaded my brain is; hell my daughter and i both forgot her ortho appt that we had talked about that very morning by the time the afternoon appt got there. Doh!!! I've  never blamed the teacher though since they send home fliers and papers all the time detailing and outlining events and I've come to make sure input things in my phone so I have an alarm reminding me. She just needs to get better organized and perhaps email the teacher herself if the details are sketchy so she has the information while its on her plate and can make a note of it.

I think she's got some misplaced anger when it's an issue of organization. And the child will get over it. Take her out for ice cream or something for a job well done and move on.

[98ZJUSMC]

uppityperson (76,182 posts)    Wed Jun 26, 2013, 04:49 AM

1. She won't be scarred for life and will be very happy to spend special time with just you.

My child is 25 and didn't have kindergrad, think it started after and it always seemed silly to me. Not so much an achievement but a made up sort of one. He did wrestling thing in 4 & 5 th grade, at the end of the two month wekly practice ( and what a kick that was to wastch) they had a meet with everyone getting a medal. The second yr he had to be out of town for the meet so the coach just handed him the medal. He looked really sad, like why get this for nothing, it meant nothing. I made up he was "most improved" which helped but it brought home that kids do not need medals, awards, graduations "just because" but for things they have truly earned.

You people blindly vote for and support that crap.  Don't try to bullshit us.  Deal with it.

Remember, Comrade. 



Everyone. Is. The. Same.

[JohnnyReb]

Don't get me started about the behavior of some of Obama's relatives at my son's HS graduation.

Tell me 'bout 'em. Half of them "stood" right in front of me and the other half was right behind me talking on their Obamaphones.

[BlueStateSaint]

Tell me 'bout 'em. Half of them "stood" right in front of me and the other half was right behind me talking on their Obamaphones.

Aaah, the virtues of a small Catholic HS . . .

[JohnnyReb]

Aaah, the virtues of a small Catholic HS . . .

I started to send my son to a private school but then I thought about it for awhile. I decided that if he was going to have to deal, work and live with these people, he might as well get used to it early. It has made him a staunch conservative.

[Bad Dog]

I think she's got some misplaced anger when it's an issue of organization. And the child will get over it. Take her out for ice cream or something for a job well done and move on.

I wouldn't think organization would be all that important for a DUmmie pursuing and accounting career.

[Delmar]

Anyway, so I when missed the graduation I apologized to my daughter and told her mommy didn't know about it and that I was sorry she felt sad and alone, I reassured her I loved her very much and I really wanted to be there with her. I told her I would try to make it up to her and asked her if she could think of anything that I could do that would make her feel better.

Response to kdmorris (Reply #2)Tue Jul 2, 2013, 02:13 AM
 laundry_queen (4,618 posts)
3. Thank you, that was helpful.

So far, my dd has not mentioned it anymore. We've had a fun week and she seems to have forgotten for now. A new puppy helps (lol, don't worry I didn't get a new puppy just because of this, it was planned long before that, but the timing is great.)

Oh for Pete's face. 

[Dori]

My oldest missed her kindergarten graduation.  I got the date wrong for the last day of school and didn't even send her.   

She survived.  Her Jr. High graduation had a streaker running  through the ceremonies because no one could catch him and High School graduation was an auditorium filled with air born beach balls.

Not much pomp and circumstance anymore.   

 

[Kimberly]

la

undry_queen (4,618 posts)    Tue Jul 2, 2013, 02:17 AM

4. I agree

My kids' new schools seem to go overboard with the awards for no real reason. They really coddle the kids here, unlike their old school. I think you're right - kids know when they've earned something and they appreciate it much more.
 
I felt even more guilty when I attended my older child's year end assembly because she asked me to. She was so happy for me to just BE there. I felt even worse for my younger daughter. But as I said in my other post, we have had a fun week and spent a lot of time together (camping) and we just got a new puppy so kindergrad is hopefully a long lost memory.

Well, that dog is going to end up on craig's list in a few weeks with the standard list of excuses. Boo hoo, I'm so busy, puppy to expensive, my five year old won't take care of it. I despise people like this. 

[GOBUCKS]

I mean, it's not like graduation from high school is anything remarkable; one's supposed to graduate from high school

Well, I used to think high school graduation was a nice tradition, sort of like a ceremonial transition from childhood to the beginning of young adulthood. It's been transformed from a ceremony into a trashy spectacle by screaming, cheering 0bamaite scum families. The same louts probably whoop and cheer at baptisms and weddings. The ones who don't look like the jug-eared muslim's sons are the men you see wearing ballcaps inside a nice restaurant.

 

[AprilRazz]

Tell me 'bout 'em. Half of them "stood" right in front of me and the other half was right behind me talking on their Obamaphones.

Yelling, screaming and making other obnoxious noises the whole time. They actually had to stop the ceremony several times to tell them to shut up.