Can you recall a time when you felt sorry for a primitive?
You know, sir, I've been thinking about this for a while now.
No, I've never felt sorry for a primitive--there's tens of millions, hundreds of millions, thousands of millions, others far more worthy of sympathy--but I have at times felt
affectionately towards a primitive.
And it always ended up wasted energy.
The prime example of this was Ugly, the defrocked warped primitive, "Warpy." For years, at both our old home and when the DUmpster first got underway, I was an enthusiastic proponent of Ms. Hindenberg. She seemed to know
everything about
everything, and I decided that when I got around to winning the Powerball lottery, I was going to hire her to run my affairs.
It's in the archives, folks; there was a time franksolich adored Ugly.
But as time wore on, she became nastier and meaner, rejecting all compliments and good wishes; she made a cantankerous rattlesnake look as friendly as a teddy bear. After so long, it finally became apparent to me she was so foul as to be unredeemable, and so I changed to my current attitude about her--I don't care if she gets run over by a semi-truck; in fact, I wish she would.
And then I was enamoured of the hippywife primitive, Mrs. Alfred Packer. She was so bubbly, so effervescent, so friendly, one would want her for a neighbor.
But then sometime in late 2009, she revealed that she didn't do Christmas, because hippyhubby Wild Bill is so dead-set against anything that's good and decent and civilized, and she was under his thrall. I've always had a problem with submissive women (and submissive men, too) who allow themselves to be dominated by a malignant other, and that started bothering me.
And then in the middle of the night December 17, 2009, Tangerine LaBamba showed up here, and in bunch of private conversations with her, she spilled the beans to me about her fellow primitives, including Mrs. Alfred Packer who, as it turned out, was not a nice person at all. In fact, she was rather venal and petty, one of the worst primitives possible.
So I decided the hippywife primitive had to go.
(To her credit, while Tangerine LaBamba blabbed all about dozens of primitives, she remained mum on the sparkling old dude, her best chum; wouldn't say a negative word about him. This was irksome to me, but on the other hand, one had to admire her sticking by her friends.)
Other times, I've felt fondly about AllentownJake, Skippy from New York City, the bitter old Vermontese cali primitive, dear sweet old Lu, the cbayer primitive, William769, the mineral oil primitive, my twin brother Atman, the bullies, the buzzy one, &c., &c., &c.--but then out of the blue, they'd say something really stupid or evil or contemptuous, blowing to Hell any good wishes I had for them.
It's been like speeding down the highway at 75 mph for hours and hours and hours, and then abruptly hitting a two-foot-high speed bump.
The primitives inevitably disappoint.
Right now, I'm favorably inclined towards the ZombieHorde primitive, but wide-awake aware that sooner or later, he's going to say or do something really stupid or evil or contemptuous. It's inevitable.
My good pal Manny, the MannyGoldstein primitive, is an exception; I met him before in real life, and while he's wrong-headed and deliberately obtuse and wantonly ignorant, he's got charm, charisma. He knows the art of making people like him. I don't want to be disappointed in him, so I don't read his stuff at all, so as to prevent that from happening.
