http://www.democraticunderground.com/11513604Oh my.
The Canadian locust primitive, who's
femme, fat, 31 years old, still in college, and living with her parents.
Locut0s (1,581 posts) Fri Apr 26, 2013, 02:34 AM
Almost went to the ER today.
I got some rather scary blood test results back the other day and have set up and appointment to see my Dr about them. I'm able to get the numbers at the same time the Dr get's them over the internet so I haven't talked to him yet about the results but I can see they are not good. Liver numbers are all WAY too high and my cholesterol is sky high.
The reason for all this, as some may know from my previous posts on here, is that I've been treating myself like utter shit recently because of severe depression, anxiety and self hatred. Issues I've been dealing with my whole life but which have been particularly bad this past 2 years or so. I've been binge drinking and eating mostly junk food. I managed somehow to finish a semester at college/university but now I have an additional 5 week "projects" course I have to get through that is causing me more stress. I've never been good doing group work and that's ALL this is. I was already at a breaking point after finishing my exams.
As I've posted about earlier I've been ABSOLUTELY exhausted every day for weeks now. I barely have enough energy to get through a few classes before coming home to crash. I can't sleep at night because I worry about the next day and frankly at night is the only time I feel emotionally better. My muscles are all sore, I feel like crap all the time. I'm really scaring my parents and they are quite short tempered with me at times, because I won't help myself. My father worries I might commit suicide at some point and the truth is I can't convincingly tell him not to worry about that because while I don't feel I will I certainly think about it enough.
Today I had a mini breakdown after coming home and cried for a good while. I was EXTRA tired as well and have " " this close to going to the ER. I was thinking of taking my blood test results to them and saying that I couldn't wait to see the DR and worried I was going to faint. The other reason is I'm having a slow nervous breakdown. The thing is the ER doesn't do much for you for emotional problems unless you actually have a plan of action to end your life (which I don't). I know because I tried to go before and they basically interviewed me and asked me "are you suicidal right now (with a plan)"? my answer was "well pretty close but not exactly" to which they basically said sorry you need to see someone else.
Anyway I didn't end up going but I don't know if that is for the better or not. Each day I seem to be having little breakdowns.
Strangely despite the scary results and wanting to know if there is something physically really wrong with me I'm not all that motivated to take better care of myself. You think I would be wouldn't you? I'll stop the drinking for now, but I'm still eating crapily to my parents horror. I wish I didn't hurt my parents so much but part of that is tied into my self hatred issue, I think some part of me hurts myself AND them on purpose. Life really is a mess
There's a few primitive responses, along the line of sending vibrations.
