http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018365369Oh my.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:05 PM
My 2yr+ boyfriend (54) won't come home with me once this summer. We own a private island in canada.
Boats, open bar, parties, my mom's incredible cooking, wildlife, it's gorgeous. Plus, my parents are 73 and 80.
But it's just too long a drive for him. Boo effing who.
I left him in the car, with him whining at me that I should listen to his reasons why he doesn't want to come home with me once all summer. Pass. I really don't want to hear his reasons, and he certainly didn't want to hear mine.
He also refused to attend my dad's 80th surprise party, and he already had the time off from work.
And the funny thing is, he had no idea at all I'd react like that. He honestly wasn't trying to break up with me-he was just trying to sneak out of being the real man in my life, ever.
Damn. And here I am, 2 years older, with nothing to show for it.
No more republicans or catholics! I tried to be open-minded. Never again!!!
bluedigger (10,101 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:10 PM
1. Seems like you have differing expectations for your relationship.
Now you know.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:24 PM
4. Yup. I guess he's been playing along for over 2 years. Amazing.
ZombieHorde (23,524 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:20 PM
2. Couples that choose against communication are usually doomed to fail.
Assumed motivation is a very poor replacement for hearing what someone has to say.
^^^potential big star in the DUmpster, but a little bit too green for the big time yet.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:23 PM
3. 2 years of communication= He isn't really that into me.
His reasons for not being that into me are irrelevant, if he's not ever going to see my family again, who cares why?
His back-story is terrible. I'll spare you.
Do you want his number? He's available. You can have a try with him, if it means that much to you.
olddots (1,438 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:25 PM
5. Run from this fool as fast as can and don't look back
consider yourself very very lucky --it hurts but would have hurt a 100 times more if it had gone on further.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:28 PM
6. Amazing, the capacity for grown men to lie for sex.
Utterly amazing!
And this one is convinced he's holier than thou: Goes to church, don'tcha know. Real tight with god, unlike heathens like myself, who are completely honest with everyone we meet.
Another bible-reading hypocrite!
rug (46,022 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:29 PM
7. Screw him. Now let's hear more about your private island.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:37 PM
11. That's what I'm saying. It's actually a string of 4 large islands shaped into a lagoon so the lagoon is our own private piece of the river. Muskrats, mink, eagles, hawks, osprey, beavers, raccoons, carp, hummingbirds on our front table. It's breathtakingly gorgeous, and my parents are the best party on the river. Everyone wants an invite to their place. The drinkers leave about 2 am. It's the ripingest party ever.
I own 2 kayaks, my parents own other boats including a yacht.
Some of the river (St. Lawrence) is 150-200 ft deep. Incredibly clean and fast.
But, boo whoo, it's not worth his prescious time. He golfs 4 times a week, and so he can't afford to miss any golf, while he's wasting time with my wonderful family, who really like him.
Fool.
Guess he's sleeping with his golf clubs from now on. I certainly hope they keep him warm at night.
bluedigger (10,101 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:45 PM
14. 1,000 Islands?
My Grandfather had a place on the river in Morristown, NY. That's not even Canada, hardly. I thought you were dragging him to the NW Territories or something. It's beautiful there. Schmuck!
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:51 PM
16. Yuppers. You know it. You can see our island off of the last bridge to the canadian mainland
Most men would kill to fish there, or at least jog or ride a bike or paddle a canoe. It's man-land heaven.
But it would cut into a couple of his golf games, so, he just can't afford to loose those 2 games, even though he golfs there, too.
I'm done with fools. Totally done.
Menopause: when women realize they need a pause from men.
Downwinder (6,930 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:31 PM
8. Don't loan him any money.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:37 PM
12. He would never ask and I would never give. Actually, I will pay him back for some joint bills on a vaca we just took. Lotta good that did.
Honeycombe8 (17,456 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:40 PM
13. His behavior is telling you something. Sounds like you've heard it.
It's not about whether HE wants to go. It's all about him going because it matters to you. And of course, you should listen to his reasons why. No reason not to. THEN you can decide whether those reasons are strong enough to give him a pass for not doing something simple like this just because it matters to you.
Consideration. This is, IMO, a key ingredient for any relationship. But I'm divorced, so what do I know?
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 02:47 PM
15. I've passed him on everything else, already. No more passes.
I'll spare you the details. He doesn't want to be important in my life: It's just dinner and a quickie on sat nights, and he's outta here.
So sick of his childishness.
I wish I were a lesbian! I wouldn't have to deal with men!
Sekhmets Daughter (5,886 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:02 PM
17. Relationships are the same whether heterosexual or homosexual...
If he or she is just not that into you, they're just not that into you.
As a non-believer there is nothing on earth that I would find attractive about a man who attends church every Sunday...regardless of denomination.
That you put up with his nonsense for 2 years says more about you than him...
Most of us have at least one loser lurking in a closet somewhere!
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:05 PM
18. Thanks. I try to be open-minded, but really, no more religious people. I'm done.
He could have been a man and told me 2 years ago that he didn't really like me.
Sekhmets Daughter (5,886 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:10 PM
19. Or....
you could have been more attuned to him and what his signals were saying... Sometimes it is just better to ask or assert. Both are time savers and life is too short to waste on those who have different desires.
I hope you get over him quickly and move on... the seas are full of fish...many of whom are waiting for just someone like you!
Hula Popper (83 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:18 PM
21. Damn gal
I'd dump this mope very soon. I've fished, camped and hiked that area before and its beautiful there.
Is he afraid of cottage opening and work?
Damn repugs.
Meet me in Alexandria and we'll walk the Boldt castle grounds and fish musky. I'll bring a smoker for ribs...
Ikonoklast (21,260 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:24 PM
22. I'm 58, single, don't play golf, and only step inside a church for weddings and funerals.
I'll tell your Dad dirty jokes over drinks until your Mom has dinner ready, then hit on her until she blushes like a teenager.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 04:36 PM
27. More likely, my mom will make YOU blush!!
But I'd still like to see you try!
...weddings and funerals....hopefully, not my own!
DFW (13,046 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:28 PM
23. Well, I'm with a Catholic--retired, that is.
When my wife was little, she wanted to become a nun, that's how indoctrinated she was. But slowly, she noticed the priests in her area were doing evil things to little boys and girls, and the worst that ever happened to them was that they got transferred. So she stopped believing, and then she stopped altogether.
Her mom, the only surviving parent out of our four, is a sweet, open-minded lady of 85, still gets around great on her bicycle (10 Km to the dentist and 10 Km back!). She still goes to mass, still believes the whole ball of wax, but is very tolerant of me and the fact that I refused to have our children religiously indoctrinated. If she were American, I suppose she would even be a Republican, but she doesn't even speak English.
Your newly-minted ex sounds like he deserves to be alone with his golf clubs. I can't say for sure, because I don't play golf. I can try to imagine the mentality. After all, take away my guitars and there will be trouble. But my wife doesn't try to take away my guitars, and we're both cool with each other's families.
I'd caution against ceasing to be open-minded. Just next time, make sure your boyfriend is the same way. I think that's the minor detail you forgot with this jerk. It was doomed to failure if you were the only one making all the concessions. My wife and I have been making concessions to each other for 39 years now. It works, but not as a one-way street.
And beware of that saying German women have about men over 30 and public toilets--it's not always true, but it's not always wrong, either, as you just found out.
^^^Marc, a child of privilege, boasting about his Teutonic
frau again.
But one has to admit the guy runs one Hell of a great antique coin business.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 04:34 PM
26. They don't care as long as they hit something???
Is that what german women say???
No, honestly, I want to know!
I think you're right about me doing all the adjusting. But that's over. He'll never understand.
I would be great in a marriage like yours, given the chance!!
pipi_k (15,991 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 03:45 PM
25. One of the cooler things about getting older is learning stuff.
Some stuff I've learned:
1. We teach people how to treat us. If this has been the general tenor of your relationship for the past two years, then you might want to ask yourself what you did to give him the idea he could treat you this way.
2. Communication is a two-way street. You said you didn't want to hear his reasons. And he doesn't want to hear yours. Sounds like you both care more about being right than about preserving your relationship.
3. There are two sides to every story. If he were to post here telling his side, what would he say? Yes, I know it's tempting to be the victim, but that's hardly ever the case in an adult relationship. I could go on and on and on about how shittily ex husbands or ex boyfriends have been toward me, but I'm no saint. I know I can be difficult, and I know that anyone hearing MY side of the story would think they were all complete jerks, which is not the case at all.
A relationship made up of two people means that both of them bring their own bullshit to the relationship. The trick is to figure out what OUR part in it is.
lindysalsagal (1,670 posts) Sun Apr 14, 2013, 04:44 PM
28. Here's his side of the story:
He plays golf. I know that. I have to take a back seat to the golf. Nothing to discuss.
I'm supposed to be happy with 2 hours of his time on friday and saturday nights, when he comes over for dinner, and passes out around 10:00 because he's so tired from getting up at 5 am to golf before he goes to work from noon until 9:30.
So I basically get his left-over hours, when his work, the church, and the golf courses and golf ranges are closed, and he's exhausted.
We spend no time together during the week or on weekend days. He's golfing. I'm alone.
That's just the imperical data: So, there's no interpretation there.
I'm filling in the cracks when the golf courses are closed, and I can't ask him to go anywhere or do anything with me when I have free time.
If you'd like his number, I'll email it to you, and you can try to have a relationship with him.
Just remember that he believes every word he hears on faux news, thinks I'm un-caring, and George bush is the second coming. He thinks the GOP really cares about him, and Obama's a socialist.
I. Give. Up.
Well, maybe there's a reason he prefers golf.
