subway cat wonders if she has brain damage

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/1266212

Oh my.

undergroundpanther (11,396 posts)    Tue Mar 26, 2013, 08:57 PM

My story a basic outline

I grew up in a place that was not suburban it had way more woods and fields and such,than it does now.
 
When I was 4 my neighbor who's son I already was friends with,started acting nice to me. This went on for awhile,before he ,he was fun, My father was mean or drunk..I actually was blown away that billy's dad played with him,smiled at him,didn't tease and humiliate him I kinda envied billy having such a kind dad. .and at that time,me.We had fun.Bruce was billy's dad's name and I started to trust him,to talk to him about the hell my house had inside it.Bruce was in some kind of christian cult. He tried to push god on me,but I couldn't love a god that killed all the animals and innocent babies in a flood. Bible stories upset me even than,but bruce was nice,I could overlook the god stuff because it seemed like he really cared about me.
 
But that changed,he mixed religion with his perversion.And it messed up my head pretty bad.This stuff with bruce went on for about 2 years before my cousin found out,Bruce gave me money after doing what he did,as he threatened to kill my cats,chickens,etc. So one day My cousin and I were gonna walk to 7-11.My cousin saw the wad of bills,asked how I got it.I couldn't think up a lie she'd believe fast enough so I told her the truth.Made her swear to silence,because bruce threatened to kill me,my sisters,my pets and even her if word got out.
 
Well, my cousin told my mom,my mom told my father,I overheard this conversation as my bedroom was at the end of the kitchen and they woke me up all the time tinkling their coffee cups. I was terrified, what if mom told bruce what if my father told him,we might all be killed. My mom told my asshole father everything.His reply? What's wrong with her,referring to me.

Mom just told me I could never play over billy's house.And his father forbade billy to cross our property line.
 
I had no other friends.

When I went to school,things just got worse In kindergarten I made some friends,I was the only one that could read easily and write in class. One day another kid hit me,I hit him back told him to stop. Teacher grabbed me up and beat the crap out of me and put me and the other kid in a corner. then what really wierds me out is she made a purple crown from the boarder of the display board she was taking down and put it on my head in front of the whole class.I was bullied from first grade until high school. I saw the school shrink in 2nd grade,and was sent to university of Maryland, put on ritalin.No one asked about my home life or what my life was like.I tried to kill myself first time at 8 years old.Ended up in a swamp mud sucked off my shoes..trying to get out of that mess.The abuse at home and at school was everyday,it was in class,between class,on the bus,at home,the only refuge I had was the woods.
 
When I was 14, I saw a dead black and white cat on the way to school,freaked out and I told my mom to take me to a shrink,my mind was messed up.

I was put in a local hospital first the first time inpatient,I was 15. It was for 6 months. After that I begged my mom to get away from my father,he had become very mean and violent.I was scared of him. We moved to an apartment. I was taking a heavy dose of mellaril.
 
One time he tried to kill my mom when we went to the house so mom could have him co-sign taxes,She used me as a human shield told me to walk in the living room first.He had a gun grabbed my mom by the neck.I ended up somehow jumping over the coffee table and slamming into him making him drop the gun.We both left bullets pinging off the car.
 
About two years later my mom wanted to move back home.I ran away after therapy and tried to hide. I wanted to go back to the hospital..I ended up beaten bad,humiliated, my shirt off,whipped by a belt by my sisters boyfriend as my mom and my sister held my arms. Got back to the apartment,got locked in my room a heavy dresser pushed over the door. I tied sheets together and rappelled out the 3rd story window of the apartment building.And ran.I got my friend from my first hospitalization to run me to the hospital.My therapist would not admit me.My arms were cut up,I showed her the whip marks and marks on my arms my mom and sister did.She sent me back home.A month or so later she sat with me trying to convince me to go back there. I felt so betrayed. and scared.helpless and pissed.
 
One day my father was itching for a fight.I took the knife he was using to slice the roast,I chased him with it,and as he tried to open the back door I threw it about an inches from his face. He never hit me again. He whined to my mom about how dangerous and crazy I was.
 
That boyfriend who belted me years later became my brother in law and he would humiliate me about wanting sex with me in front of my sister and talked about my boobs and body in the grossest way at family gatherings, he did this for years and even though i'd get upset everyone blew it off ,in denial that he was a pervert too..everyone was drunk,and arguments or violence broke out like clockwork.
 
Later I walked ten miles to see my psychologist,I told her I could not take this crap at home the crap at school anymore. A year later I was sent to a catholic and state run state school for troubled girls I didn't fit in there either.I faced alot of abuse, if not from my peers from the staff and nuns.I was put on pretty high doses of meds.

That is when I started having flashbacks about my father raping and molesting me.

I just lost it there,and was sent to another psych hospital. I was 17 In this place I was drugged up ALOT.1,000 mg.Thorazine 3 or 4 times a day. Locked in a room 22 hours a day for 18 months.I was let out to go top my father's funeral.I went just to get out of that room.It was really embarrassing having two staff with me at all times. I was transferred to the adult unit at 18.The mind games made me crazy,the control freaks on the unit,I hated them.I Got drugged up. I spent 3 1/2 years in that time. I would be in that place if you added up the admissions for around 10 ,15 years.In the system for longer.
 
Than went to my first PRP,they played power games and I got kicked out,over and over this happened ,because I would ask why,I wanted to know what my meds were,and sometimes I didn't go along,or pretend something they did was nice when it was abuse. In these residential places and in psych units I have been choked,forced to go to ER,humiliated,threatened,forced to room with very filthy people, had other patients try to sexually assault me,manipulated,lied to,hurt.and dealt with staff trying to sexually assault me,to cop feels,etc.
 
I was in and out of these places until I met carl.I was with him ten years and married for two it was hell.I got involved with assemblies of god,and they messed up my mind more.My life with him was one thing after another,I was bullied into marriage.I had no one I could talk to as carl had pushed away all my friends. One day I had enough of his crap.I told him to leave,and thus he left.I now was alone in this house with 1 roommate, nothing to do,no one to talk to.it was very lonely, I used to write alot on DU,when politics would piss me off or a thread got me researching..
 
But these days I feel so empty I can't remember what an emotion feels like,I go to a prp the first one without bullies in staff. I have had no conflicts there because they finally listen to me. Anyway,I am stuck now with ahedonia,stress I can feel physically but no emotions,isolation and life is more like death than death. I feel nothing. It's like my soul has died.I go from couch to bed,it's all I can do to motivate myself to do anything.As nothing changes inside no matter what I do.I wonder if I have brain damage.

Okay, it's time for my fellow alum Skins to do some serious thinking.

Does he really want primitives who've been professionally and legally defined as nuts, hanging around Skins's island, making asses of themselves and exposing their vulnerabilities for other primitives to use against them?

I think decent and civilized human standards would say "no, get them out of here."

[USA4ME]

So many people have been able to physically and mentally abuse her. I'm jealous.

.

[I_B_Perky]

Yo panther girl/guy... or whatever it is you are. Yes, my rotund feline, you are brain damaged. No other kid has ever had a hard childhood, only you. You will never get better so you might as well just off yourself and be done with it.

Please remember my rotund feline, it is down the street, not across the road, when using razor blades on your wrists.  

[FlippyDoo]

I'm still trying to figure out where the forced remote viewing with organic pineapple juice fits into this narrative.

[GOBUCKS]

No mention of her addadicktome surgery, or having her tits off, or her cat tattoos?

[Carl]

I didn`t read much of it because I just know it is whining about how tough life is.



**** you freak show.

[Freeper]

I'm still trying to figure out where the forced remote viewing with organic pineapple juice fits into this narrative.

I'm thinking this didn't happen to her, this is what she saw when she drank too much pineapple juice and was remote viewing something on the tee vee.

[franksolich]

I didn`t read much of it because I just know it is whining about how tough life is.

**** you freak show.

Yeah.

Never had to work a day in her 47+ years of life.

Life's been really tough on her.

[FlippyDoo]

I'm thinking this didn't happen to her, this is what she saw when she drank too much pineapple juice and was remote viewing something on the tee vee.

I think the biggest majority of a lot of what the DUmmies have claimed to have happened to them in life is either made up out of whole cloth or drug-induced delusion. Sometimes they remind my of an old Steven Wright (the comedian) bit: "The other day I was...wait...no...that wasn't me."

[Freeper]

I think the biggest majority of a lot of what the DUmmies have claimed to have happened to them in life is either made up out of whole cloth or drug-induced delusion. Sometimes they remind my of an old Steven Wright (the comedian) bit: "The other day I was...wait...no...that wasn't me."

Considering all the drugs they do, they are clueless as to what is reality and what they may have seen or read somewhere.

[Mr Mannn]

Wonder no more Panther girl.
If you think you are a male cat. Is you pay a surgeon to mutilate yourself. If you spend much of your life in a mental institution...then YES, you have brain damage.

[Vagabond]

How can anyone tell the truth with her? 

She claims she was abused by her neighbor before the age of 5, sometime between 1968 and 1970.  Even then, I don't think parents let through pre-kindergarten children just wander about.  I also think that her parents, at least her mom, would have picked up on her emotional cues.  Three and Four year olds are not capable of keeping secrets.  Her Dad may have been an abusive alcoholic, but even an abusive alcoholic would have beaten the neighbor senseless if he accepted the evidence.

I think I can remember one or two life events from the time before I was 5.  They both involve riding big wheels come to think of it.

Fast forward to 1970 -1971 and kindergarten.  Even back then, girls got the benefit of the doubt.  The boy would have been in trouble unless she had made herself a problem before.  She claims constant bullying and harassment, then claims she was locked up for a significant portion of high school.  This strikes me as bizarre as even the odd artistic type kids had their groups.

Then she claims being essentially beaten and tortured by her family.  No state worker in the mid-1980's especially in Maryland is going to send her home with those kindof marks.  It just wouldn't have happened.  I'm also willing to bet her brother-in-law  wasn't making lewd suggestions to her in front of his wife.

Carl sounds like a guy that really tried to help.  Her friends were self destructive and misery loves company.  She must not have bothered to listen to the churches message.  It would have required for her to own her life and ask for God's guidance, which isn't something DUmmies do.

UGP might be brain damaged, and with a lifetime of drugs in her, it's likely.  She is also a narcisstic liar who always blames her problems on others.

[Mr Mannn]

  She is also a narcissistic liar who always blames her problems on others.

Bingo. Hence why she always returns to the nut house. There will be no progress until she can accept responsibility.

[GOBUCKS]

She's a disgusting freak, but she gave us Blackie the ghost chicken.

She gets a point for that alone.

[DumbAss Tanker]

Was it live or was it Memorex?

[Dori]

This is so bizarre     

[Chris_]

This is so bizarre     

Dori, meet UndergroundPanther.

Who knows what's actually true and what gets made up in her mind?  I'm sure the drugs don't help.

[franksolich]

This is so bizarre     

You should see her web-site (I don't have the link myself, sorry).

You ain't seen "bizarre" until you've seen that.  It takes the cake.

[DumbAss Tanker]

This is so bizarre     

Bizarre is a gross understatement when it comes to UGP.  And I do mean gross.

[I_B_Perky]

This is so bizarre     

Dori...I'll assume you don't know about he/she/it. On the chance you don't, I'll explain.  UndergroundPanther is flat out bizarre. Bat shit crazy. Thinks she is a male panther trapped in a female human body. Went as far as to have docs try to have her mommy parts made into daddy parts. I think she had the upper mommy parts removed and then dunno what happened after that. One thing I never did figure out if the docs were gonna do a fur and paw transplant... and what zoo she was gonna go to when it was all finished. Hope this helps! 

[franksolich]

^^^that is the honest truth, every word I_B_Perky wrote, above.

Yes.

[Chris_]

Underground Panther

I hope a warning isn't necessary at this point. 

[franksolich]

I 'm worried for Justin.

I fear has no idea what he is getting himself into rooming with Jon.

I just hope Justin THINKS first and does not screw himself. He neets to make a lease agreement  with Jon with some crystal Clear CONDITIONS. I would suggest ,like requiring Jon stay in drug /program treatment . Or better  say the lease renews month by month. Or best of all, The landlord reserves the right to terminate the lease at any time ..in it.

Or Justin will be unable to kick him out when Jon fails to keep up appearances  that he gives a crap.Jon can appear so nice,until he takes a drug..than he's a  mean,verbally abusive,self pitying argumentative, childish ,whinebag,nodding off all day, twat and denying it .  over time Jon makes himself  a burden to be around. But if you tell him to stop  the crap he acts like you are being cruel TO HIM or says 'he can't help it' but over time you will notice he is very selective over how 'helpless' he is..

He thinks he is entitled to  take what he wants,do what he wants ,and **** everyone else and thier tough situations.

This entitlement crap Jon does  is so brazen ..Jon has stopped walking across a road and hold up traffic to dig through his backpack for a cigarette lighter and light his cigarette with cars piling up at a green light.I was on the sidewalk slack jawed he would even DO that.
WTF..

He has no empathy ,yet he fakes it very well to get what he wants.He will whine about his 'not feeling well' all day if he thinks he can wheedle a hydrocodone from you. He is a BIG malingerer.

His mom was right about his "abuse of the health system".He has Zen calm while he says he is having "panic attack".He says this in a tone reminesent of Eeoyre.He has hallucinations he never reacts to,and never can remember what they were, maybe  it's because he does not have any?  He is NOT schizoprenic. His psychiatrist is dumb as a box of rocks,and pill shoppers dream date.She gives him any drug he asks for. Jon takes a LOT of meds.I mean a LOT.

I have observed when not telling me the colors dosages and types of every pill in the PDR by rote memory,he is obsessed with metal bands. He goes on rambling on and on about some guitarist in some band oblivious to the fact I don't care about people in  obscure metal bands. He does not seem to notice I am not wanting to sit there and be retold about how Dimebag was shot.Play the music, I'll like it or not other than that I don't care about the life or careers of musicians.

As for other topics ...there are billions of them besides metal bands.he has nothing to say  apparently.I know because I have asked.His thoughts are either not shared or not there.He

Jon  acts like all addicts behave.. (look at my other blog posts about him.)Do'h.

He is in love with drugs first. Drugs are his ultimate reason to continue to breathe air. Secondly he cannot break the co-dependant  pattern Eric has with him.They had sex before long time ago,but  I was told both thier AA sponsors told them it was a bad idea.

I am sure Jon loves Eric's car and the fact he tolerates the bullcrap Jon does to Eric more than Eric himself.

Eric in my "relationship" with Jon was a sqeaky third Wheel,is a C.O.D.,he is a toady skinny dried up queen,a druggie /alcoholic curmudgeon,and does not admit his compulsion regarding every night I  was with Jon, that he must occupy  so much of  OUR evening time.Time that most couples set aside to relate to each other after the day is done and there are no interruptions.

Eric has no insight that his habit might be neurotic and interfere with ME  relating to Jon in OUR relationship  a third wheel way that was irritating to the core.. So unwilling  was Eric and Jon both to  honor my needs and keep Eric's visits to 3 times a week instead of every evening all the time, I banned Eric from his nightly occupation of my livingroom and my boyfreind watching boring bands on my TV  until 11 pm in my own house.

Seems Eric 's issue is he is terrified of Jon having a potentially better relationship with someone else than what ever it was he and Eric had.

As long as Eric clings to Jon and Jon is clinging to him neither of them will find love with anyone else or each other.That is if they were capable of loving anybody else.

Eric is an insufferable  snob,and talks about Jon like he is a demanding child when Jon isn't there to hear it.
Jon talks to Eric like a dog on the phone one day demanding a ride somewhere,then the next day Jon is all tweaked out he might offend Eric. It's really pathological.I have no clue why they cling to each other.

Everyday for nearly a decade they do the same routine .So neither of them have a life or any relationship without that sick co-dependancy they have with each other and  the compulsive attending of  AA/NA meetings they cannot miss not even for a day, Or they are DOOOOooooooomed.

Jon disregarded my needs ,my needs for privacy,He manipulated me, I had to lock away my meds,because he'd pop'em and he insulted my intelligence. He insulted me in ways that were insidiously cruel.

The last stupified pity party, he pulled  at the PRP with the EMT's was a stunt. afterwards he  lies about why he left the ER AMA and pulls  his sulking childish drivel about not  having to leave here ,threatinging to get his lawyer ,yadda yadda..and then he lied about where he was moving to.I really wouldn't have cared where he went  if it was not  to Justin's house...

I think he lied to me about where he was going to make sure I would not call Justin and tell him what my problems with Jon entailed before Jon moved in with him??

Jon is a poroblem because of who he is,what he does,his lack of empathy,his narcissistic,obliviosness,malingering, pouting,his annoying whining hoping to get my pain drugs, and his forever nodding off, and obessive metal band preoccupation,and his basically nothing personality and there's nothing within  him to share,and his stubborn co-dependant cha cha  with Eric made me so disgusted ,with both of them.

I should have booted Jon out when he couldn't drop the third wheel long enough to build up the relationship with me. Jon and I were not in a relationship really,he just wanted to have someone to  dump on,to take care of him and to enable him to  get high..I wanted a real lover who would love me and want to explore who I am,and who would share themselves with me..Our relationship was doomed from day one.

I can't say this realization happened without some wasted time, and pain, on my part because when it's love's last gasp,it hurts even if that love was damaging to me. At least I didn't waste ten years with this psycho(path) like the other ex..

I sat with him in the kitchen emotions welled up as love lay dying,and I told him I wished he wasen't an addict. He said me too,than backtracked,he said he was GLAD to be an addict because of all the people there to support him.

He knows I feel abandoned by my family,and he knew my support network is nil,and that I feel cut off from people alot.It was a very cruel to say that ..to me.Just after I told him I wanted to stay freinds and was still willing to train for tattooing under him.

The way he was grinning the  very last time I saw him  in  my yard I knew he had been playing me  all along. When I kicked Carl out he felt some sadness,Jon was happy like it never happened. .

I am glad I will never have to hear him ask,for the millionth time"Are you mad at me?" 

I know what you are now..I know now you never really loved me.But to get what you wanted you sure faked it well. I have to say you are more like your mother than you think, you are incapable of empathy.Like a true parasite you  eagerly take from others and give nothing real in return.

Jon,like his parents is stingy,he is the least generous boyfreind I ever had.

I was shopping for gifts for Maggies B-Day with Jon. Jon said he was too broke to get her a gift. Later that day, I was disgusted as he pulled out a wad of 20's and held up the line displaying his wad of at least $200 bucks on the counter to  pick out 40 bucks  and dig for change to buy himself fancy underwear.He spent 5 bucks on Maggie's gift,One I found at 5 below.

He spent more on nail polish for himself there.

There is no gratefulness in Jon. For him everyday is a crisis,faking the victim role display to show he is always the one in the most pain and distress, But it's just Jon wanting the center of attention again..yawn..

I know you resent others who's need for help overrides your want of attention. Jon you exploit other's love blinded compassion to get what you want.  You think you are entitled to use others and decieve and lie to them carrying concealed ulterior motives, to lie to evoke pity or drugs from other people, to take advantage of them. When they see through the facade and see you,Jon are just malingerer they are rightfully mad. Maybe this is why jon asks if you are mad at him every five minutes.

Jon  pretends to be"mentally ill". I know Jon is running away from the truth about what he is, and lying about what you did  to me and  as far as I can tell are still  doing to other people. You know the next sucker will fall. It's because they do not know your patterns yet,Jon. Like I didn't know. People who do not get to really know Jon will  fall for the illusion that he is sick,hurt..

Jon was affectionate to me but I will never know if he was feeling it or faking it.I even  believed Jon was in love with me .

Yet for people like you Jon, the real ugliness that is yourself will always stain whatever false self  and false face you present.

That  same old parasitic, abusive,lying, pathetic empty hole is in your mind where thoughts and creativity should be. That the dead place  where a spark of something wonderful ,playful,alive and beautiful should be but isn't there ..reveals your secret to anyone who knows about toxic personalities .

The false self you cannot sustain. That real you under that ill made mask eventually will create cognitive dissonance about what is real about you and what is not. The doubt grows for a time until nobody can tolerate your manipulative,self-pitying moping,and fake panic attacks,and  begin to grow weary of your so called distress,and they see you are a fake. Than you run,you drug yourself,or threaten to kill yourself.

Soon  Jon,those you exploited will realize they've been played  like a tune band they will rightfully erase you from their lives,like your own parents did,like who knows how many people did before I evicted you from my home and closed forever my heart to you to save myself from the burden of your parasitic,pathetic pathology. I know why you hated Alliance,Shaun,Upper Cheapeake Hospital.

We  all know your Modus Operandi.We see you.

And likewise I bet your wagging your tounge to Justin and Eric and all your addict buddies as if *I* the cause of all your distress.  I know you are so arrogant ,you actually told me, " I have no right to doubt your story,your recurrent grief or pain . A lie pulled out when it is convienent to exploit it. Your crocodile tears are showing.

Jon,you manipulate people  as you pretend to be so pathetic ,needy and helpless. You are a cunning parasite,Jon. But I am still smarter than you,I don't manipulate people..

I also noticed you do that  poor pitiful me schitick to make sure any emotional 'supports', freinds or lovers you are draining dry won't bother to ask anything from you  that requires thoughtful effort or genuine emotional investment on your part. You try to appear so weak and hobbled with pain people feel guilty putting any expectations on you. That's how you like it,Jon...In reality all you want to be taken care of like a spoiled baby do all the stupid and ignorant things you want with no consequences... While you give nothing,do nothing,drug yourself into a stupor and lie about it all as you puff yourself up as superior when other addicts off the wagon nod out just like YOU do..

To me that sort of thing is so vile,disgusting,and wrong..I didn't want to face up to that is exactly what you do,it's what you ARE until it was repeated a few times so a pattern in your behavior appeared,so that I could no longer ignore or tolerate..you.

Jon, the uglyist realization I had about you is how you CHOOSE with deliberation to scheme any 'relationships' you are in. You give the bare minimum of hopes for fun or future,interaction ,engagement,proximity and emotional 'investment' required by the other person to give you another chance.
You do just enough to convince your target to let you stay,longer. To use their home,body, support,pity ,stuff,or whatever else it is you REALLY want out of them,again.

I think your ideal "relationship would be one that puts no  expectations on you, where you aren't expected to be there for the other, to not participate in thier life, give nothing to them,do nothing for them, where you are allowed to be nothing ,decompensate, and get high all day and not have to hide it. Meanwhile the other person's mission in life is to satisfy your every want.Every  whim is given to you on demand,you get your way all the time, you are right all the time ,and they sit in rapt attention as you ramble about bands and  they pity you,defend your pathology, let you dump your emotional trash on them all day,they believe everything you say and will be your garbage can,and keep you in the center of attention  24-7..Just like Narcissus and Echo.

You hide your drug use well enough to fool  your AA buddies into giving you sobriety  chips. Jon do you think you can dupe everyone along with your co-dependent curmudgeon  who's too scared of change and socially  awkward and inhibited to even try to let go of you ,Jon and go enjoy himself in any way that might have a hint of exuberance let alone urge him to leave you  behind,and set aside the AA cult for one night to go by himself and meet a decent guy that he could really love,who might make his life exciting enough to live in.

Jon,you and Eric both are  too scared to emotionally give anything to anyone,really.

You both are superficial,shallow and haven't a clue how to relate to anyone with depth and meaning..

You both everyday,go to AA & NA,than go to big lots,sit around B'n'N, ,you both go eat dinner at your 'hated' parent's house, watch  rock bands on DVD every night than..you take your meds and sleep.Wowee what a life.

How long can a co-dependant pattern neither one of you want to admit will ruin any chances of either one of you finding a real lover..last? Until Eric dies of old age? Or Jon overdoses?  Or will you realize it is a habit, an addiction,just like booze and drugs.

Hey,Jon, your oblivious, taker mentality,your manipulating,hypocrisy, intellectual barreness,reckless disregard,irresponsibility,emotional and monetary stingyness ,your addict personality &  ingratefulness highlights  the disgustingness  of your character..Hmm that sounds what you complain about when you bitch about Richard,his grandmother and how your parents treat you!  it's Deja Vu!!!

Sorry.

But I thought the above might perhaps be useful.  For something.

[Chris_]

Sorry.

But I thought the above might perhaps be useful.  For something.

Insomnia.

[I_B_Perky]

Insomnia.

Right on Chris!!!! That made me laugh so hard I damned near puked.   


H5!!!!