Dear DUers,
You will notice that in my topic title and my salutation I referred to you as DUers. I did not, as most normal and decent people do, refer to you as DUmmies, DUmbasses, idiots, imbeciles, leeches, parasites, communists, socialists, nazis, brain-dead scum, anti-American piles of dog shit, hate-filled bastards, hypocrites, baby killers, or any other similarly apt descriptions. I did not use any of those accurate but unpleasant names because I do not come to you as a rival. I do not come as a Rethug, Repug, freeper, or fundy. I come to you today only in my capacity as a fictional spirit-guide.
As I've said in times past, I am not soothsayer. I am merely a fictional spirt-guide with no smell whatsoever. Despite my lack of prognostication skills I sense that this coming Tuesday may possibly be a problem for you and your liberal friends. In such a case I may be able to help you with your fictional spirit-guiding needs.
I know that you are thinking that you already have a fictional spirit-guide, but you should realize how things work when it comes to fictional spirit-guide assignments. There are many more people in the world than there are fictional spirit-guides. Each fictional spirit-guide oversees or guides multiple individuals. There are times when one fictional spirit-guide is dealing with up to 20 different people. When an event happens which impacts multiple members of a fictional spirit-guide's group even the most diligent fictional spirit-guide can get overwhelmed. This means that some members of the group may miss out.
The Global Fictional Spirit-Guide Association assigns each fictional spirit-guide to individual clients. Since you guys are so unpleasant the fictional spirit-guides assigned to you are such assigned as a form of punishment. This means that the fictional spirit-guides that you are getting are usually much like you: subpar, uncompassionate, and not willing to work. I think you can see now why if Tuesday turns into a disaster for you guys that many of you could end up without a fictional spirit-guide to lean on.
Fortunately for you, as of this Friday I have split from the Global Fictional Spirit-Guide Association and am operating freelance. I have many years of excellent fictional spirit-guide experience, and I'm will to offer you fictional spirit-guidance despite your unpleasantness.
I know that you're probably thinking that you'd like to have a veteran fictional spirit-guide on hand on election night, but in this wonderful Obamacony you don't have two pennies to rub together. Never fear. All I ask in payment for my services is your tears. You're probably wondering why I'd want your tears, but although you may not know it, DUer tears are very valuable. A DUer's tears are just as valuable as the individual DUer. I've been told that with a 5 gallon bucket of DUer tears and a one dollar bill that you can buy any of the items on the 99 cent menu at McDonald's. That's not including sales tax of course.
If you do decide that you can use some fictional spirit-guiding all you have to do to call me is close you eyes and say: FlippyDoo, FlippyDoo, where are you? As I've mentioned before, I have no smell whatsoever so when you call me if all you can smell nothing but you're natural stench you'll know that I'm on the scene.
Thanks for considering me for all your fictional spirit-guiding needs.
