http://www.democraticunderground.com/11511913Oh my.
General Discussion on Skins's island today is nothing more than a grotesque lurid phantasical
Wolkenkuckkuckensheim, so I figured I'd stay out of it and seek sanity in the Mental Health forum instead; the primitives are more bound to reality there.
Denninmi (3,800 posts) Mon Oct 1, 2012, 11:36 PM
What happened today at my Dr's appt. Paranoia or Stigma?
Honestly, when I look at something that happened today objectively, even I have to admit that I believe my reaction is paranoia.
But it sure felt otherwise.
I have had an eye problem developing since late spring, April or May. Started out as just a blurry spot in the center of my field of vision in my right eye. It has since progressed slowly but steadily to a small black hole with a fuzzy periphery in the center of my field of vision. At this point, it is more of an annoyance than a serious issue. I would say it takes up maybe 3 to 5% of my field of vision.
So, after many months and delaying it too long, I had an appointment with an opthamologist, one I had never seen before. And, of course, the obligatory "new patient" forms. Two areas that bothered me, under the circumstances -- health history and medications. Because this pre-existed my recent crisis, I saw no reason to let this opthamologist and entire staff know what I had just experienced. So, I did not list my psych meds on the form, and I kind of did a "slight of hand" on the box for Psychiatric Illness (yes or no). I made the "X" from the "no" box I checked above it for some other condition extend through the "no" box for Psych Illness. I figure it is NOT relevant to the eye problem, so why should they know?
Also, one other factor in all of this -- when I turned the forms back in, the receptionist said "oh, all of our medical records are now electronic as part of the Affordable Care Act."
Well, during the Dr's exam, the phone in the exam room rang. At first, she didn't answer it, but it continued to ring and ring. Finally, she said "I guess I better take this" and answered it. I only heard her say three words during a roughly 30 to 45 second conversation - "Oh" then part way through "Wow" and then at the end "Oh" again. "Oh, Wow, Oh." That was all she said.
Now, in all honestly, that telephone conversation could have been about ANYTHING, anything at all. Could have been personal, could have been about some other patient, could have been from a colleague about who knows what.
What immediately entered my mind -- they searched my medical records for some reason and found about the fact I just did 14 days in the psych. day program. "Oh, wow, oh" indeed. That was my thought, they "found out about me."
So, she completed that part of the exam, then sent me down the hall for an ultrasound of both eyes. When they brought me back and she gave me the results, I thought she seemed very curt. And, the ultrasound revealed nothing, no retinal tear or hole, nothing abnormal. So, I asked her what else it could be. Her answer, "I don't see anything except a small "floater" in your eye." Well, I have had "floaters" periodically, none of them ever lasted 6 months. So, I then asked her "well, what is the next step?" Answer, "just watch it". I asked, "what does that mean?" Answer, "It's a floater in your vitreous humor. We can't do anything about it, you'll just have to live with it. You'll get used to it."
And that was that. Sent on my way with no real answers and the feeling that she just wanted me the hell out of there. And no doubt a six or seven hundred dollar bill for the privilege.
So, and PLEASE level with me -- is this just paranoia on my part? Intellectually, I am sure the answer is yes. But to me, it really felt like she "knew" about my psychiatric history, recent diagnosis, and was dismissing me as "crazy" as if I were making the entire thing up, and she just wanted me to get the hell away from her.
And really, what hurts worse than this one incident, which is probably all in my head, is the fact that I feel like I am ALWAYS going to have to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, always watching what information I share with who, and always lying to protect my privacy. And that really, really sucks on about a thousand different levels.
Paranoia or Stigma? What do you think?
elleng (34,740 posts) Mon Oct 1, 2012, 11:48 PM
1. Malpractice imo, dear Den.
Sorry, but maybe should find another opthalmologist. And, if appropriate and comfortable, tell them about what just occurred.
I have floaters too, and don't sound like your situation.
^^the primitive who's an attorney, once married to another attorney.
While going through the bitter divorce, her estranged husband gave her a bunch of real-estate papers to sign.
The primitive, an attorney herself, remember, signed the papers without reading them.
Oooops for the primitive.
Lisa D (780 posts) Mon Oct 1, 2012, 11:51 PM
2. I don't think you're paranoid but perhaps just sensitive about your recent experience and worried about other people's reaction to it. I would feel *exactly* the same way.
There's no way to know for certain, but I kind of doubt that they found out about your psych. day program. Most doctors offices are just too busy to do that kind of research into new patients--especially in that short of time span. They want info about meds and medical conditions so they don't make mistakes in prescribing medications and so that they're aware of certain symptoms or side effects they may not be able to explain.
I think you have it right when you said her phone call could have been about anything--possibly about another patient's surprising test result or even a personal matter. She might have even been in some kind of time crunch after that call and didn't give you the time you deserved to talk about your condition.
You could go for a second opinion and have the second doctor request the test results from the first doctor so that the tests don't have to be repeated. I do think it's a good sign that the tests didn't show a retinal tear or anything abnormal, but that doesn't mean your concerns shouldn't be taken seriously.
I hope your eye returns to normal soon and I wish you well.
kickysnana This message was self-deleted by its author.
^^one wonders what that was all about.
Denninmi (3,800 posts) Tue Oct 2, 2012, 02:34 AM
4. Thanks for the responses.
Yes, I know I am being overly sensitive about the whole thing. Ever since the psych said bipolar the concept of stigma really bothered me.
Do you think it was a mistake not to check the yes box on psychiatric illness and list the meds I am currently on? On one hand, it could be important medical information. On the other hand I consider this to be a very private piece of very sensitive information, and I don't feel it is anyone's business but mine. So, once again, I keep coming back to conflicted, torn, not sure which way to go. It's like my whole life is a metaphor for "bipolar".
And honestly, I keep waiting for this to get better, and it just doesn't seem to get better.
K - your comment about living the life you were given rather than the one you thought you were promised. I know you meant that in a good way, like play the hand you are dealt and make the best of it, but when I read that I almost broke down in tears because for me, it goes back to the same feeling, that any hope for "normal" is gone, that I will always be labeled and judged and whispered about, and that no matter what I do, people will look at me as "damaged goods". And that fills me with the utmost sense of despair and hopelessness, especially I guess because I have always had this perfectionistic streak, and I now feel like I am just so much garbage lying in the gutter. How do you ever get over this kind if thing and get to a point where you can feel good about yourself again? It seems like every time I begin to feel just a little better, something comes along to knock me down again, as if the Universe wants me to be punished for something I've done.
^^the Universe does tend to punish primitives.
Too bad.
But everything has its benefits and its costs, and that's the cost of being a primitive.
Aeroette (76 posts) Tue Oct 2, 2012, 02:58 AM
5. My two cents
I also have bipolar and, like you, view it as a private and personal issue. However, the meds can cause lots of odd things to happen that one might end up seeing a doctor for. Since the meds can be the cause of the symptoms sometimes, I find it best to be honest. There can also be Interactions between the psych drugs and drugs for other things, which IMO is another important reason that they know what meds you are on.
In my experience, I haven't felt like it bothered most doctors I have seen. The one that did seem to have an issue with it is no longer my doctor because of that. I decided if he was going to treat me like he was afraid of me, then I needed to find someone else. Going to another doctor is always an option if you feel you are being treated differently.
I was diagnosed 3 years ago and still feel similar to what you describe, but I'm in therapy and I do feel like my self esteem is starting to improve and I'm working really hard on Learning to live with it. It seems to be slow going, but I do believe it gets better.
Denninmi (3,800 posts) Tue Oct 2, 2012, 07:08 AM
6. Well I thought in this situation
It would be ok not to bring it up because I have only been on psych meds for 4 weeks, the eye problem has been 5-6 months.
hunter (14,210 posts) Tue Oct 2, 2012, 12:42 PM
7. I went to a specialist, mid 1990's...
... for a problem of a rather personal nature.
I went with my wife because I was feeling extremely paranoid I had cancer or something and I wanted her there if it was going to be bad news.
We weren't even safely in a private room yet, the doctor glances at my medical records, recognizes something, his face lights all up and he says, "WOW! I've read all about you guys!!! Most of you..."
Yep, I'd been in some study more than twenty years before, entirely anonymous, but it was something his specialty paid attention to.
To him I was like some kind of celebrity who'd unexpectedly appeared on his doorstep.
I really didn't know whether to laugh or melt into the floor.
Pretty much I had to laugh, which diffused the paranoia, the stigma, and the violation of my privacy.
I'm telling you this story because that was the end of it, even though the experience was grinding through my head for a few weeks after that, not doing me any good.
Odds are whenever I'm obsessing about something like this it isn't doing anybody any good, most especially myself.
Denninmi (3,800 posts) Tue Oct 2, 2012, 01:04 PM
8. Well, this entire fear of stigma destroying my life is going to be topic #1 at today's therapy.
If I can't get a handle on this, I think it's going to destroy me. The fear of this in my mind is really the biggest issue I face right now.
Nope, nope, nope.
It's not your biggest issue.
Far from it.
Your biggest issue is that you're someone who wants to be a primitive, and sane at the same time.
Can't be done.
One can be all of one thing, or all of the other thing, and no "mix" of the two.
Make up your mind which one you wish to be.
<<tells it like it is.
