Are you the real Jack Handey?? 
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
Remember when SNL was funny? 
Is Jack Handey by any chance related to Solomon Short? (Don't get the SNL reference, nj.)
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
The real question is this -- what do you do with a skinned cat?
Cats aren't just snobs, they're Republicans. Dogs of course, are Democrats. They'll lick anyone's butt. [apologies to dog people]
The difference between contribution and commitment? Ham and eggs requires a CONTRIBUTION from the chicken, but a COMMITMENT from the pig.
You can't kick a congressman in the ass. At least not until you get the lobbyist's head out of the way.
The difference between politics and chemistry is that nobody fools around in a chem lab.
The difference between the universe and stupidity is that the universe is finite.
The difference between a dog and a human being is that when a dog is unconscious, he lies down.
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.
You, have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Yes, you can get pregnant from anal intercourse. Where do you think lawyers come from?
If there was a reliable way by which people could accurately identify which seven out of ten lawyers were consistently unscrupulous, the other three would be out of work.
I've always found verbs to be very strong-willed. They go where they want to, not where you tell them. Adjectives, however, are a fussy lot, exttravagant, serendipitous, spoiled, upsetting, frivolous and remarkably sensitive to adverbs. Nouns pretend to be objective, and pronouns take everything personally.
Life is not about being comfortable. You want comfort? Try a grave. Nobody ever complained that his grave was uncomfortable.
Lack of respect has to be earned.
Maturity is the polite word for exhaustion.
Everyone has the right to be stupid. Some people abuse the privilege.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A quote is what you use when you don't have anything of your own to say.
