Jack Handey "Deep Thoughts"
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me."
"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
"Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up."
"The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you."
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!"
"If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of your nose."
