They constantly try to one up each other like they're gourmet cooks.

For poor mouthing people, they sure keep lots of fancy cooking ingredients. I guess they afford that stuff by shopping second hand stores for everything else. Must be some hefty savings. Or it's a lie.
Just keep it simple DUmmy.
Tuna, sandwich spread, blue plate mayonaise, little mustard, a few boiled eggs, mix. On toast with tomatoes if ya got them.
Oh and a spoonful of tuna only for each cat or they'll mean mug you all day.
