primitives discuss uninvited Thanksgiving guests

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=236x90297

Oh my.

Denninmi  (1000+ posts)       Thu Nov-17-11 04:32 PM
Original message
 
Relatives inviting themselves. Should I be nice, or naughty?

I'm really NOT up to it. Not only am I stuck working full time (I know, boo hoo, but I'm technically only part time) since July, with that ending not sure when, but also things have been hectic in my house, and I'm really not looking forward to all of the cleaning just to get ready, on top of the cooking.

So, should I be nice and prepare the traditional dinner?

Or, naught and nasty and do things that they'll all freak out about? Especially my B-I-L, who is very picky anyway about food, and NOT very good with change, and also, damn it, a republican!

Lars39  (1000+ posts)       Thu Nov-17-11 04:47 PM
Response to Original message
 
1. Inviting themselves? Serve them a non-traditional thanksgiving right outta the crock pot. Something Tex-mex and messy.

housewolf  (1000+ posts)         Thu Nov-17-11 05:24 PM
Response to Original message
 
2. Oh Denninmi

What a predicament! You sound harassed, over-worked and stressed out, and I sympathize with you.

But as for what you should do, I can only speak to what _I_ would do in your situation. (Which, by the way, I don't know that much about... for instance, does your household consist of anyone else who can share the Thanksgiving workload with you? Can any of those relatives come over this weekend to help you clean and plan? Or come over the day before to help you prep? Could you make it "potluck" and have relatives bring something?) I also don't know how many people "relatives" implies.

Coming from where I'm coming from, I'd be nice. I'd be thrilled that I had relatives who wanted to spend their Thanksgiving with me, that they appreciated me, my cooking skills, and were comfortable in my home such that they wanted to come here. I'd be thankful that I had living relatives close enough to spend Thanksgiving with. I'd try to get some help/support from one or more of them. I might see if I could take a day - or a half-day off from work. And then I'd plan a meal that I hoped they'd enjoy.

But that's what I would do.

What would happen if you told them that you really weren't up to do it? What options do they have? What would you do that day? Could you offer to bring something/help if the family meal could be done at THEIR house? Would you prefer that they host it this year? How many people make up your family?

There's nothing wrong with just telling them that you're overwhelmed right now and just can't do it this year. Can they understand/accept that, or will bad feelings result?

All that said, the one thing I WOULDN'T do is is the last line of your post, "do things that they'll all freak out about". It seems to me that's quite a passive-agressive, revenge-filled, FU-kind of behavior that might give you a momentary thrill but beyond that is a very un-Thanksgiving kind of behavior.

Lucinda  (1000+ posts)         Thu Nov-17-11 06:05 PM
Response to Reply #2
 
5. +1 on the potluck

It's nice they want to spend time with you - let them do some heavy lifting.

flamin lib  (1000+ posts)        Thu Nov-17-11 05:40 PM
Response to Original message
 
3. What Housewolf said. 

If they asked you to change a tire when you didn't have time or tire what would you say?

Be nice but simply say that you cannot entertain this year because of things you can't control and ask them to take a rain-check for next year.

Renew Deal   (1000+ posts)         Thu Nov-17-11 05:45 PM
Response to Original message
 
4. Be nice, but do something funny

Like a Stewed Goat Head

Callalily  (1000+ posts)       Thu Nov-17-11 06:28 PM
Response to Original message
 
6. Be nice . . . you'll feel better about yourself. My motto is "always take the high road".

And you've gotten some really good ideas here; potluck, ask for help, etc.

Have fun . . . make the most of it.

Also, my sister's sister-in-law's traditional thanksgiving dinner is lasagna. Because of her work schedule it was difficult for her to make the traditional thanksgiving meal, and she could always assemble the lasagna the weekend before so it was just ready for baking. A salad and some nice crusty French bread finished the meal. Everyone LOVED it. Just a thought.

Good luck with your relatives . . . despite everything (seems like you are truly tired and stressed) you will indeed have fun.

Tesha  (1000+ posts)         Thu Nov-17-11 07:01 PM
Response to Original message
 
7. Sure - just make it easy...
 
Just don't do more than you think you can - if they love you they'll understand...if they don't, nothing you do would be enough.

I know, I've been there.

Tell them its got to be potluck - you cook a turkey - maybe make a squash soup.

They stop at the store or make at home all the other bits - they want something special, they bring it.

Easier for you, they take some responsibility - and they'll be treated like family instead of guests.

GoCubsGo  (1000+ posts)       Thu Nov-17-11 10:07 PM
Response to Original message
 
8. You can always order one of those meals from the grocery store

My folks have done that in the past, and the food is actually decent. The price would probably come out about the same as cooking it all from scratch. You can ask your guests to bring extra side dishes and desserts, and the booze, if that's part of the tradition. If anyone complains, tell them that next year, it's their turn.

Now, that's what I'd do, if I had to do this.

Just buy the dinner at the grocery store.  No messy kitchen, no dirty dishes, no mess, no fuss.

ejpoeta  (1000+ posts)         Fri Nov-18-11 04:24 AM
Response to Original message
 
9. now i know my experience is different, but my sister has thanksgiving at her house every year.

She works full time and is very busy. We offer to help clean and stuff. And she makes the turkey and we bring the sides. That is how it works. We bring the beverages, desserts etc. I think she made mixed mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes last year. But in general, we bring all the other stuff. And I have a big family... there are six of us kids and most of us have kids ourselves. then there is my brother in laws aunt and her kids.

It's up to you. If you feel like taking on the challenge I would have a pot luck situation. You make the turkey and have everyone else bring everything else. I mean down to snacks and beverages and plates and cups we do it. As for cleaning.... involve others. Have them come over and help. Otherwise, don't worry so much about it being clean... focus on 'the appearance of clean' as roseanne would do.

Coyote_Bandit  (1000+ posts)         Fri Nov-18-11 09:29 AM
Response to Original message

10. Be nice but

(1) don't worry about being traditional - somebody who invites themselves ought not dictate what is served even if they are family

(2) consider going out for the meal - we did that one year and the food was really decent and there was no prep or cleanup or leftovers - portion control is built-in. You can supplement a meal out with drinks, appetizers and desserts at home - or munchies for football if that's your style.

(3) think about ordering some prepared food - either part or all of the meal - even non-traditional offerings - those grocery store offerings are pretty decent - and I know someone who always orders in a smoked brisket whenever its their turn to host a holiday meal

(4) cut corners on a few things - dress up a prepared stuffing mix, for example

(5) prepare in advance - I've known folks that cook the turkey the day before and slice it up and then serve it chilled on Thanksgiving - desserts can be prepped in advance - you can even do much of the prep work for the items that cannot be cooked in advance

(6) remember that maintaining a sense of family harmony and civil relationships is ultimately more important than the menu - communicate your plans and limitations in advance - as the host/hostess you get to define expectations - your self-invited guests have the option of accepting your plans, contributing to the festivities or making other plans

ginnyinWI  (1000+ posts)      Fri Nov-18-11 02:53 PM
Response to Original message
 
11. Sympathies!

My mother used to order me to host family get-togethers whether I was in the mood or not! And my brother is a clone to your brother in law!

First off, only clean the bathrooms and let the rest of the house be just "okay". The bathroom is the only place anyone has a chance to really inspect anything close-up. And put a candle in there to make it look like you fussed.

Then ask each of them what they are going to bring. If they don't have time to cook, tell them to stop at the deli for something, or just bring beverages and other non-cooked stuff. When you get your list of donations, figure out what you have time to make ahead, and what you can do on the day. Stay on the safe side and don't get ambitious.

To cut work on serving consider making it a buffet with no fancy table settings. Get a few squash or pumpkins and apples and plop them into a bowl for a centerpiece and you are done!

Warpy  (1000+ posts)         Fri Nov-18-11 10:43 PM
THE DEFROCKED WARPED PRIMITIVE, WHO REMEMBERED TO DONATE THIS TIME
Response to Original message

14. Tell them Lincoln freed everybody and if they want the traditional feast with all the trimmings, they can do it at their house.

You'll be going to a restaurant this year, thanks.

Then make your reservations and go with a clear conscience.

No working woman should knock herself out trying to do what stay at home wives managed to do in the 1950s. It's just not realistic. If you do decide to do the turkey, make the rest of the dinner covered dish, and no ****ing football until it's all cleaned up.

[GOBUCKS]

What a lovely bunch of people!

I'm sure DUmmy Warpy's Thanksgiving tradition consists of controlled substances.

The others are just a group of hateful losers that no one would want to waste a holiday on.

[Bodadh]

I dunno. On one hand I might feel put too if people just expected me to bust my ass and never bothered to talk to me about alternitives. On the other hand I would be greatful to have people who loved me around for the holiday.

[Mr Mannn]

Ya know, we need to filter this thru DUmmy Lie-speak.
The family has been switching homes for the thanksgiving festivities for years (so no one would be burdened), and now its the DUmmy's turn. She's looking to get out of her responsibility/hence the uninvited part.

all this is going to do is burn bridges with her family.

Look at DU every Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are a bunch of lonely, isolated people. One by one, they've managed to ostracize themselves from their own families. Now they are alone. sucks to be them. But liberalism IS a mental illness that the state refuses to recognize. So the liberal is shunned by normal people.

[GOBUCKS]

Look at DU every Thanksgiving and Christmas. They are a bunch of lonely, isolated people. One by one, they've managed to ostracize themselves from their own families. Now they are alone. sucks to be them. But liberalism IS a mental illness that the state refuses to recognize. So the liberal is shunned by normal people.

The week or so after Thanksgiving is one of the best times of the DUmp year.

We usually have several great threads recounting in detail the exchanges between outraged DUmpmonkeys and their fundie, rethug families.

The detonator is often an attempt to say grace before dinner, or a passing comment about some democrat sacred cow.

The outraged DUmmy is always brilliant, while the relatives are ignorant neanderthals, hammered into stunned silence by the DUmmy's unassailable logic.

[Ballygrl]

We usually have several great threads recounting in detail the exchanges between outraged DUmpmonkeys and their fundie, rethug families.

Everyone going to my MIL's house are Republicans, but even if we had a regressive there we sure as heck wouldn't be talking politics.

[Chris_]

Everyone going to my MIL's house are Republicans, but even if we had a regressive there we sure as heck wouldn't be talking politics.

My mother is probably the most liberal person in the family (she's more of a moderate but it's still a pain in the ass, comparitively speaking). 

My sister likes drama just to make sure everyone else has a rotten holiday. 

[Boudicca]

I didn't wade through the DUmmie thread, but going by her initial OP, she never said if the relatives were in town, or coming from out of town.  And what exactly she means by "they invited themselves".  Was it her turn to host a get together?  Had she made a passing comment about getting together during the holidays to her sister? 
It seems totally blown out of proportion, but then that's what DUmmies do best (besides whining, crying and organizing their pitiful protests), making mountains out of molehills.  I must give accolades to housewolf for a nice, considerate post though.  De Ninny ought to listen.

[Mike220]

At least we've finally found a subject that the DUmmies can knowledgeably expound on.

[diesel driver]

At least we've finally found a subject that the DUmmies can knowledgeably expound on.

We found that a long time ago:

NOTHING!   

[jtyangel]

I didn't wade through the DUmmie thread, but going by her initial OP, she never said if the relatives were in town, or coming from out of town.  And what exactly she means by "they invited themselves".  Was it her turn to host a get together?  Had she made a passing comment about getting together during the holidays to her sister? 
It seems totally blown out of proportion, but then that's what DUmmies do best (besides whining, crying and organizing their pitiful protests), making mountains out of molehills.  I must give accolades to housewolf for a nice, considerate post though.  De Ninny ought to listen.

that's what I was learning towards. What are the circumstances of the 'self-invite'. Is this a tradition of hers and she's just overloaded this year, well then you COMMUNICATE it to your family. Families many times assume that a tradition will be carried on; they aren't trying to be rude. In fact, they may think it rude if they make other plans! Is it really that hard to have thought about this a month ago instead of the week of Thanksgiving and have communicated an alternative to one's family? My advise would be to get off of DU and get on the horn with your relatives TODAY and tell them you have been very busy this year and you'd appreciate if this can be more like a potluck, with you cooking the main dish: ie turkey and stuffing(if that's the tradition). How hard is that?

[longview]

Oh, brother.  So she is working full-time and has to cook on her day off.  Life at her house must pretty much stink having that attitude.  

I picked up on things in her post she could be thankful for.  A job.  Family.  A sister who has a lasting marriage.  Money to buy food and a place to prepare it.  The cognitive and physical abilities to prepare food.  Hope something gets through that shell she is existing in.

[miskie]

How can they dislike uninvited people, and approve of tactics to make their uninvited guests uncomfortable -- yet support OWS and condemn the authorities who are working to persuade them to leave  ?

[Karin]

I believe I've made 25 or so Thanksgiving dinners, and I've held a job all that time.  It's not that hard.  It's really not.  The hardest part is getting it done right at the same time.  Oh, and making an excellent gravy, which I've got down pat. 

Purchase the rest, or everybody bring something, (which is very normal, I think).  Oven cooks the bird, voila.

Now, I think Warpy's response was the bitchiest of them all.  Everyone's made plans to come to your house.  You all of a sudden call them up and say "Get bent.  I'm going to a restaurant all by myself.  Go to hell."  She wonders why she has no friends. 

[NHSparky]

She thinks she's overloaded working part-time?  Try it when both you and significant other are working full-time and then some.

If you don't want to honor the commitment you made, DUmmies, just tell them beforehand.  They'll understand, believe me.  They know you're shiftless and lazy.

Especially my B-I-L, who is very picky anyway about food, and NOT very good with change, and also, damn it, a republican!

Yes, because no Democrat is EVER:

--Vegan
--Lactose intolerant
--Has various food allergies (peanuts, glutens, etc.)
--Hates processed sugar

and let's not get into the "not very good with change" bit, shall we?

[Wineslob]

Denninmi  (1000+ posts)       Thu Nov-17-11 04:32 PM
Original message
 
Relatives inviting themselves. Should I be nice, or naughty?

I'm really NOT up to it. Not only am I stuck working full time (I know, boo hoo, but I'm technically only part time) since July, with that ending not sure when, but also things have been hectic in my house, and I'm really not looking forward to all of the cleaning just to get ready, on top of the cooking.

What the DUmmy is really saying is it lives in a pig sty

So, should I be nice and prepare the traditional dinner?

Yes, act like a decent human being.

Or, naught and nasty and do things that they'll all freak out about? Especially my B-I-L, who is very picky anyway about food, and NOT very good with change, and also, damn it, a republican!

Ask yourself something, DUmmie, why do you even think like this? This is FAMILY, stop your shit. Your'e lucky they WANT to come over, cuz they know what a political turd you are, but still would like to celebrate with you and yours. Asshole.