I need your opinion, if you would be so kind...

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

I'm working on a scene, and I would be very grateful for your opinions on whether or not this would rank among one of the most beautiful, elegantly dreadful and effective final statements ever concocted.

I'm hesitant to give you any clue as to story context, because I want it to seem as credible coming from a normal (albeit sociopathic) human being, as it would an immortal demon.

I am going to kill you. I am going to end your life, but rather than allow you the privilege of haunting the normal, where you might find some small comfort in staying connected to the bliss you once knew, you shall haunt the insane, where the hell you are about to experience for eternity will seem orgasmic compared to the inhuman suffering you are now damned to dream of every night.

The unbearable pain of your reality will be your only relief from the unspeakable horrors you will experience in your sleep.

Thanks so much for whatever "notes" you could give me.  

PS - Please feel free to submit your re-writes.

[Gina]

wow, that is very "gripping" (sorry, not a literary genius).  It did get my heart pumping reading it.

and this last line.......

The unbearable pain of your reality will be your only relief from the unspeakable horrors you will experience in your sleep.

soooooooooooo good.  Might need to save for future use 

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

wow, that is very "gripping" (sorry, not a literary genius).  It did get my heart pumping reading it.

and this last line.......

soooooooooooo good.  Might need to save for future use 

You're awesome. Thanks. I'm trying to invoke "Pinhead" from the Hellraiser films when he said, "...your suffering will be legendary, even in Hell," but having it come from a protagonist who has been so severely wronged, ANY revenge he devises, no matter how violent and depraved, might be accepted by the audience, but envisioned before it is ever seen.

[DefiantSix]

Not bad at all.  

I definitely wouldn't let just any Hollywierdo read that line:  a Linda Hamilton/Tom Hanks/Patrick Stewart character could pull it off.   From a Russell Crowe character - as one example - it would destroy the mood you appear to be trying to set.

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

I definitely wouldn't let just any Hollywierdo read that line:  a Linda Hamilton/Tom Hanks/Patrick Stewart character could pull it off.   From a Russell Crowe character - as one example - it would destroy the mood you appear to be trying to set.

Oh HELL no (pardon the pun)...I'm just trying to conceive of a fate worse than that of hell itself...of a hatred so deep, it consigns the victim to a fantasy world where eternal, unimaginable pain isn't enough to satisfy the bloodlust of our protaganist.

As always, I'm logging to go one step further than is probably appropriate. 

[IassaFTots]

I like it.  It definitely sets a tone.  I haven't seen any of the Hellraiser stuff, but I was reminded of a scene in "What Dreams May Come" when I read it.  A lot of suffering.  LOTS of suffering. 

[NHSparky]

Start with the torture sequence in Tom Clancy's, Without Remorse, and go from there.  Also, some really good mind-****ing would be in order, just to make sure they NEVER heal.

True torture?  Make your victim BEG for death.  Truly desire it.  Then deny it.

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

True torture?  Make your victim BEG for death.  Truly desire it.  Then deny it.

That's exactly the line I'm looking to cross...how can that can be portrayed on screen as a threat that people will feel viscerally?

That's what I'm trying to aim for here. Lot of ideas running through this head...just need to find a way to give voice to it.

[DefiantSix]

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_keWS1i3RA[/youtube]

[DumbAss Tanker]

I like to just blow shit up, and regard Schwarzeneger's "Solly, remember ven I said I vould kill you last?  I lied" as elegantly concise dialog, so take this with a grain of salt, but the last half of the first paragraph seems to get just a wee bit ponderous.

[dutch508]

I like to just blow shit up, and regard Schwarzeneger's "Solly, remember ven I said I vould kill you last?  I lied" as elegantly concise dialog, so take this with a grain of salt, but the last half of the first paragraph seems to get just a wee bit ponderous.

good point. People don't in reality talk like that. They may think they do, but they don't. Maybe a Walter Mitty type dream sequence where the lead thinks these lines, but acts in a different manner? Not even sure how you would set that scene.

just a thought.

[Airwolf]

Oh HELL no (pardon the pun)...I'm just trying to conceive of a fate worse than that of hell itself...of a hatred so deep, it consigns the victim to a fantasy world where eternal, unimaginable pain isn't enough to satisfy the bloodlust of our protaganist.

As always, I'm logging to go one step further than is probably appropriate. 

You mean like Democrats?

[debk]

Oh HELL no (pardon the pun)...I'm just trying to conceive of a fate worse than that of hell itself...of a hatred so deep, it consigns the victim to a fantasy world where eternal, unimaginable pain isn't enough to satisfy the bloodlust of our protaganist.

As always, I'm logging to go one step further than is probably appropriate. 

Killing you would be easy. Letting you live, and relive, and relive what got you here...will be divine.

[Wineslob]

I like it.  It definitely sets a tone.  I haven't seen any of the Hellraiser stuff, but I was reminded of a scene in "What Dreams May Come" when I read it.  A lot of suffering.  LOTS of suffering. 

Hellraiser is/was one of the BEST horror movies ever made. To this day there is nothing like it, even with the cheap effects.







"and to think.............. I hesitated" *


*The Doctor from HR 2 who becomes a Cenobite.

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

"and to think.............. I hesitated" *


*The Doctor from HR 2 who becomes a Cenobite.

That was, at the time, the CREEPIEST, SCARIEST and MOST DISTURBING scenes I had EVER seen!!!!

Clive Barker is one of the best horror writers to have ever lived. Almost on par with Lovecraft.

[dandi]

That was, at the time, the CREEPIEST, SCARIEST and MOST DISTURBING scenes I had EVER seen!!!!

Clive Barker is one of the best horror writers to have ever lived. Almost on par with Lovecraft.

Meh, Barker was wordy and somewhat pretentious, almost as bad as Peter Straub but not quite.

I am going to kill you. I am going to end your life, but rather than allow you the privilege of haunting the normal, where you might find some small comfort in staying connected to the bliss you once knew, you shall haunt the insane, where the hell you are about to experience for eternity will seem orgasmic compared to the inhuman suffering you are now damned to dream of every night.

The unbearable pain of your reality will be your only relief from the unspeakable horrors you will experience in your sleep.

How about this:

No, I am not going to kill you.  I am going to curse you, damn you to an existence of eternal suffering.  I am going to cut you off from the light and love of the world, from your wealth and your power.  I am going to cast you into the dark where you shall live as those you have so callously treated, your mind a raging torrent of memories of what you no longer posses. 

You will be unloved, impotent, foul, and corrupt.  Pain, fear, betrayal, and hatred will be your constant companions. 

You will scream and cry for mercy but you shall find none; the only answer to your prayers will be laughter.

With these words I re-christen you "David", and you shall come to know me as "Nathan".

Whaddya think?  Too Jewish?

 

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

No, I am not going to kill you.  I am going to curse you, damn you to an existence of eternal suffering.  I am going to cut you off from the light and love of the world, from your wealth and your power.  I am going to cast you into the dark where you shall live as those you have so callously treated, your mind a raging torrent of memories of what you no longer posses.

You will be unloved, impotent, foul, and corrupt.  Pain, fear, betrayal, and hatred will be your constant companions.

You will scream and cry for mercy but you shall find none; the only answer to your prayers will be laughter.

With these words I re-christen you "David", and you shall come to know me as "Nathan".

Ok wasp....tell me the truth, now....where did that come from???? I don't think I've heard it before, but it's brilliant and seems kinda familiar somehow.

[thundley4]

Ok wasp....tell me the truth, now....where did that come from???? I don't think I've heard it before, but it's brilliant and seems kinda familiar somehow.

It almost sounds like the curse that has been visited upon the DUmmies of Skin's Island. It would explain their misery. 

[dandi]

Ok wasp....tell me the truth, now....where did that come from???? I don't think I've heard it before, but it's brilliant and seems kinda familiar somehow.

Straight outta my head, good sir.  When I read yours, it kind of made me think of the story of King David and Bathsheba.  Nathan was the prophet who delivered the Lord's message to the philandering king and his life became completely screwed.

You can read it here.

Personally, I could not think of any worse fate than to be cut off from the light and love of God and the twisting of my mind, body, and soul that would follow (ie turn into a howling liberal).  If I were to curse someone to an eternal damnation, it would look a lot like that and it felt like that was what you were going for.

I think up wordy shit like that all of the time.  It's one of my many useless talents that doesn't pay the bills.

And, for the record, you are free to use that however you may wish, sir, free of charge. 

Just don't forget me in the credits.   

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

Straight outta my head, good sir.  When I read yours, it kind of made me think of the story of King David and Bathsheba.  Nathan was the prophet who delivered the Lord's message to the philandering king and his life became completely screwed.

You can read it here.

Personally, I could not think of any worse fate than to be cut off from the light and love of God and the twisting of my mind, body, and soul that would follow (ie turn into a howling liberal).  If I were to curse someone to an eternal damnation, it would look a lot like that and it felt like that was what you were going for.

I think up wordy shit like that all of the time.  It's one of my many useless talents that doesn't pay the bills.

And, for the record, you are free to use that however you may wish, sir, free of charge. 

Just don't forget me in the credits.   

Sir, I am utterly impressed. THAT'S good stuff, man - trying to imagine the worst possible fate your eternal soul would have to endure. At least physically, you know you will cease to feel pain at some point, but consider the form of eternal suffering that the pain receptors of your soul would be compelled to experience, and you can come up with all SORTS of notions that make our mortal coils twist in fear! 

[dandi]

Sir, I am utterly impressed. THAT'S good stuff, man - trying to imagine the worst possible fate your eternal soul would have to endure. At least physically, you know you will cease to feel pain at some point, but consider the form of eternal suffering that the pain receptors of your soul would be compelled to experience, and you can come up with all SORTS of notions that make our mortal coils twist in fear! 

So am I to deduce that you liked it?   

ETA:

Could you imagine a curse of suffering where you did not physically die?  To suffer physically, mentally, and spiritually for eternity?

[The Hollywood NeoCon]

So am I to deduce that you liked it?   

 

[dandi]

Would you like more?

[Eupher]

Would you like more?

That's a freakin' loaded question, if ever I've seen one. 

[dandi]

That's a freakin' loaded question, if ever I've seen one.