My dearest...
I know I'm negligent in wishing you the happiest of birthdays, so I decided to tell Julia Stiles' agent that my heart now lies with a woman far better than she...one who imagines, as I do, the worst of punishments for the mother of a primitive douchebag. Namely, her starring role in a Tijuana donkey show.
Once Ms. Stiles realized I was referring to HER mother, I immediately whipped out my iPhone and snapped this photo:

I do hope you are pleased, mistress. If it helps, I had a teamster kick her in the tits just before I snapped this.

PS - I have a magnificent leather collar....