Welcome to the runners-up of the top DUmmies (primitives) of 2010, who variously entertained, amused, stupefied, stunned, shocked, decent and civilized people all during the year, with their rather, uh, unusual notions about all things in life spanning potatonomics to the presidency to religion to war and peace to sex to cooking and baking to power politics to electrical appliances to college football to drugs, and then in a circle, back to potatonomics.
Never have so few been so wrong about so much.
Mr. Wiggum and franksolich are happy to announce that this was fruitful year for top primitives, the largest array of nominees ever, and the voting equally breaking all past records. Unlike in former years, there were never any clear front-runners, the votes being close and fragmented.
And so there's some surprises here.
And there's even more for the special Willie and Annie awards, to be announced Christmas Sunday, December 26.
In fact, dealing with the winners of the Willie and the Annie are going to take up more bandwidth than the runners-up all combined; but these here are just runners-up anyway, many not worth even half a paragraph (but franksolich will try to stretch anyway) because they proved less than outstanding in their race for top primitive, and aren't even worth linking (unlike the winners of the Willie and the Annie, and top ten).
The top ten primitives each get their own thread, by the way.
But be not disheartened, runners-up; there's always next year, and it's usually been a trend that a runner-up one year ultimately attains top-primitivehood the following year.
#20 HawkeyeX, also known as the cross-eyed Iowa primitive, a third-tier primitive.
The cross-eyed Iowa primitive is in his late 30s, early 40s, and is quite a hefty guy, a guy with a lot in front of him. Married, two young children; wife works, but the cross-eyed Iowa primitive's on the disability gravy train due to a slight lack of hearing. An ex-con; allegedly a computer Einstein. The cross-eyed Iowa primitive lived in Iowa up until a couple of years ago, when the family moved west, to Denver, Colorado.
All vital statistics provided by the cross-eyed Iowa primitive himself.
The cross-eyed Iowa primitive touts himself as "a bad one," a mean one, ostensibly because he's an ex-con; "ex-con" in most minds conjures up images of guys with tattoos and mohawks, guys in prison for murder, rape, robbery, heavy-duty drug-dealing. But in the case of the cross-eyed Iowa primitive, get no such image; he spent some time in the clinker, not much, for financial crimes, probably for a bunch of bad checks.
#19 Mineral Man, also known as the anti-osteopathic primitive, a third-tier primitive.
The anti-osteopathic primitive is in his 60s, retired, and lives somewhere around St. Paul-Minneapolis; and for whatever reason, a fan of Nebraska football.
All vital statistics provided by the anti-osteopathic primitive himself.
#18 Cyrano, also known as Oscar Wilde, the large-proboscised primitive, a second-tier primitive.
Oscar Wilde practices rigorous internet safety--and kudos to him for that; one wishes more primitives would be as discreet, or at least a tenth as cautious--and so very little is known about him.
Oscar Wilde was born and raised in the area of New York City, where he threw away an opportunity to become the next Whiz Kid of Wall Street, quitting his job in a huff, and ended up in the military, one suspects during the Vietnam War era.
All vital statistics provided by Oscar Wilde himself.
The large-proboscised primitive now lives in Florida, which he loathes and detests. One wonders why Oscar Wilde then just doesn't move back to New York, to leave Florida and Floridians in peace and quiet from his hissy fits.
#17 nadinbrezinski, also known as the Zbigniew primitive, a second-tier primitive.
The Zbigniew primitive is a former Soviet, and remotely connected with EMT and rescue work.
All vital statistics provided by the Zbigniew primitive herself.
The Zbigniew primitive made a late and desperate run to attain top-primitivehood for 2010, and while the material was outstanding, it was too much too late. One suggests that next year, the Zbigniew primitive pace herself a little bit, rather than this last-minute stuff. Last year's top primitive, the greenbriar primitive, did something similar in her frantic last-minute spurt to the top, but within a matter of weeks, not just days and hours.
#16 IanDavid, also known as the skumbag primitive, a drek primitive.
The less said about the skumbag primitive, the better.
#15 Redstone, also known as Chief S itting Bull, the bird-smacking stoned red-faced primitive, a third-tier primitive.
franksolich was all set for Chief S itting Bull to win the Annie, and wrote up a rather magnificent autobiography of the bird-smacking stoned red-faced primitive for presentment during the announcement of his winning the Annie, but that didn't happen, and so franksolich has nothing to say about Redstone.
#14 Taverner, a les risibles primitive.
Idiot.
The above vital statistic provided by the Taverner primitive himself.
#13 Kentuck, also known as the bluegrass primitive, a third-tier primitive.
Mentally challenged.
The above vital statistic provided by the bluegrass primitive himself.
#12 AnArmyVeteran, quite possibly a mole.
#11 HannahBell, a second-tier primitive.
A school-bus driver in Michigan, a committed Marxist.
The above vital statistics provided by the HannahBell primitive herself.
franksolich suspects the HannahBell primitive missed top-primitivehood by only a whisker, mostly because of her back-and-forths with the bitter old Vermontese cali primitive earlier in 2010--but also guesses she's a good contender for next year.
Such a disappointing batch, these runners-up, but of course one wishes them better luck next year.
