BNN: New Airport Security Procedures Lead to Delays, Stoppages

[SSG Snuggle Bunny]

DULLES - Transportation Safety Administration personnel acknowledged today that new "enhanced pat-down" techniques are causing major disruptions in airport traffic.

It appears large numbers of lifelong unmarried people have begun migrating to airports to undergo the passenger screening technique.

Not only have the number of people being screened risen dramatically but some TSA employees are noticing the same individuals passing through several times in a single day.

"I knew something was up," said Shayna McTweed who works the evening shift at Miami International Airport, "when this man started bringing me flowers everytime he came through."

To overcome the sudden influx of lovelorn pat-down seekers TSA authorities have begun considering a new security regime to profile passengers. The profile will include such data as:

• Have you lived with your parents past age 25?
• How many hours a day do you spend playing video games?
• Does your favorite food come in a wrapper, bag or 2-liter bottle?
• Can you name 3 things you didn't like about Star Wars: Episode I

Critics suggest the profiling unfairly discriminates against the lovelorn and if anyone wanted to contact their offices for comment they would available any time, even Friday nights and most holiday wekends. If you really wanted to call. Because that would be OK, if you wanted to.

[Chris_]

"enhanced pat-down" techniques

I tried that on a date once.

She slapped me.

[thundley4]

That is a good one MSB, but it doesn't compare to reality.

Soldiers returning from Iraq.

So we’re in line, going through one at a time. One of our Soldiers had his Gerber multi-tool. TSA confiscated it. Kind of ridiculous, but it gets better. A few minutes later, a guy empties his pockets and has a pair of nail clippers. Nail clippers. TSA informs the Soldier that they’re going to confiscate his nail clippers. The conversation went something like this:

TSA Guy: You can’t take those on the plane.

Soldier: What? I’ve had them since we left country.

TSA Guy: You’re not suppose to have them.

Soldier: Why?

TSA Guy: They can be used as a weapon.

Soldier: [touches butt stock of the rifle] But this actually is a weapon. And I’m allowed to take it on.

TSA Guy: Yeah but you can’t use it to take over the plane. You don’t have bullets.

Soldier: And I can take over the plane with nail clippers?

TSA Guy: [awkward silence]

Me: Dude, just give him your damn nail clippers so we can get the f**k out of here. I’ll buy you a new set.

Soldier: [hands nail clippers to TSA guy, makes it through security]

This might be a good time to remind everyone that approximately 233 people re-boarded that plane with assault rifles, pistols, and machine guns–but nothing that could have been used as a weapon.