"Dear Red States", a letter from the Blue

[Freeper]

I'm pretty sure this was originally posted in 2000 or 2004.

Sonoman Donating Member (87 posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list    Thu Nov-04-10 07:26 PM
Original message
"Dear Red States", a letter from the Blue
   
Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We
believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially
to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot
Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You
get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states
pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a
bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their
children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our
resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent
of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners)
90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most
of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and
condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale,
Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88
percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh,
Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred
unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say
that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved
in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy b*****ds believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt
weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/80714812.html

I'm all for it.

Sonoman

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x9480800

Like I said back then, go for it. just don't come to us begging for money when you go broke.

Curmudgeoness Donating Member (1000+ posts) Click to send private message to this author Click to view this author's profile Click to add this author to your buddy list Click to add this author to your Ignore list    Fri Nov-05-10 06:24 PM
Response to Reply #19
31. I can appreciate that. I hate cold, although Canada is looking better
   
every day.

I think to move to Canada you have to actually work and stuff not sit at home collecting foodstamps and unemployment checks.

[franksolich]

Yeah, that's a retread.

Stupid primitive too damned lazy to write something new.

Notice the names and states are from 2004.

Stupid primitive too damned lazy to at least update it.

It's a retread.

[Carl]

Yeah, that's a retread.

Stupid primitive too damned lazy to write something new.

Notice the names and states are from 2004.

Stupid primitive too damned lazy to at least update it.

It's a retread.

Since history isn`t allowed to exist on the island any bets Frank how long before another Internet hoax showing all "blue" areas have higher IQs then "red" states appears at the DUmp?

[DixieBelle]

Yawn.

But since we're going down memory lane -
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokedearbluestates.htm

[franksolich]

Since history isn`t allowed to exist on the island any bets Frank how long before another Internet hoax showing all "blue" areas have higher IQs then "red" states appears at the DUmp?

Any time.

The primitives are so uncreative it's stomach-churning.

The primitives are the ultimate recyclers, always postings the same old shit over and over and over again.

[Carl]

Any time.

The primitives are so uncreative it's stomach-churning.

The primitives are the ultimate recyclers, always postings the same old shit over and over and over again.

I put that out only so it is on record here at CC that it is expected when it happens.

[jukin]

Red states got the food, oil, coal, and nat gas....and the means to protect that.

[Chris_]

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast.

Somehow, I just don't see the bad side of this.

And I like Dolly... she's got big boobs.

[thundley4]

Somehow, I just don't see the bad side of this.

And I like Dolly... she's got big boobs.

They should only get the liberal counties in those states.

[Mike220]

I wonder how long they expect all those rich entreprenuers and venture capitalists to hang around.

And in Texas alone we have a few airlines, 7-11, Frito Lay (suck it Dummies) and Dell.

[soleil]

That person can kiss my red state ass.

Asshole.

[dandi]

Dear unoriginal DUmbass,

I'll give you the same answer i gave you back in 04: 

You can keep the businesses and the real estate when you can afford it and/or be able to defend it.  Until then, shut the **** up and finish making my Whopper.

Sincerely,

Me
 

[BlueStateSaint]

They should only get the liberal counties in those states.

I'd go for that, as my county is pretty red.

[SSG Snuggle Bunny]

From Mr. Snuggle Bunny's Time Capsule:

Historians are quick to note that the Second American Civil War was unlike any other similarly named conflict. Whereas the 1st ACW, and others like it, was fought on the grounds of secession or replacing the national government, the 2nd ACW was fought because the aggressor states had grown fatigued of the racous attitude of the coastal, primarily liberal, states.

After decades of rampant spending many states enacted deep-cutting austerity programs but the coastal states continued to be re-elected on promises of ever grandiose compensation packages for public employee unions that staffed newly created and/or ever-expanding government bureaucracies.

When the states of California and New York fell into default they went hat in hand to the federal congress. With the bankrupt state economies dragging on national credit worthiness congress reluctantly agreed. But no sooner had the legislation cleared the president's desk than California reneged on its promises to rein in entitlement spending.

In one particularly controversial move the beseiged California legislature amended voter registration laws allowing for a flood of presumed illegal immigrants to participate in the state's elections on the legal premise that if immigrants, illegal or otherwise, were subject to US law then they must be granted representation under the 14th Amendment. Native Californians howled but the judiciary offered no relief and thus the votes were allowed to stand unchallenged.

The so-called "red states" were quick to confront the perceived threat but they found themselves reeling not only from crushing debt obligations from their own previous years of spending but the on-going relief paid to the now defaulting states of Massachusetts, Michigan and Illinois. They were also forced to defend themselves from numerous lawsuits.

Once the city of San Francisco was given judicial reprieve to ban the selling of fast food the court precedent was used as a demand in red states to compel compliance.

That was the last straw for the red states. Arizona, Utah and Nevada deployed National Guard troops to California's state border. Numerous military units from midwestern and southern states marched north to New England.

The federal army was in disarray as the president's orders were "lost in transmission" or units that woudl normally take hours to deploy either remained in their barracks or "low-crawled" to their assembly areas.

The troops within the blue states were in no mood to die at the hands of their fellow Americans. Most deployed with gaps between their battle positions literally wide enough to drive an army through.

The units from the red states surrounded the state capitals of the enemies and instituted martial law. Military governors were appointed and public trials began as the depth of mismanagement became evident.

Thousands of blue state loyalists poured into the streets in protest but were quickly turned away by rumors that one of the unit commanders was the son of Sarah Palin.

The president, who had been vacationing in Dubai when the troops crossed state lines, resigned and retired to a life of speaking engagements in the Middle East and South America.

The 2nd ACW was a bloodless affair except for the spontaneous epitaxis suffered by VP Biden upon hearing of the military mobilizations but virtually all historians agree it was indeed a tense 3 and a half hours that Tuesday afternoon.

[ExGeeEye]

Dear blue counties,

Don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya.

If you insist on taking the red counties in your states with you, we will accept the populations thereof as refugees-- for a while.

Give us your farmers, your producers,
Your o'ertaxes masses yearning to breathe free,
The fundie refuse of your God-forsaking shore,
Send these, the entrepreneurial conservatives to me;
I repeal regulations and open wide the door.

[Duke Nukum]

Dear Idiot,

In case you failed to notice, last Tuesday night Wisconsin went deep red.  Not purple, not pink tinged, but deep dark red, or, as our Italian friends say, Pofondo Rosso.

Yes, we have some blue holdouts in Madison and Milwaukee but the rest of the state is more than willing to turn them over to you free of charge.

Just go away and leave us alone.

Thank you very much.

[thundley4]

From Mr. Snuggle Bunny's Time Capsule:

Was that from BNNS?

[true_blood]

That person can kiss my red state ass. Asshole.

H5! 

[SSG Snuggle Bunny]

Was that from BNNS?

Nope.

Just wrote it.

[thundley4]

Nope.

Just wrote it.

I was wondering if you were prescient. Some of that seems like it will happen.

[delilahmused]

Dear Blue States:

That simply won't work. We get the constitution. We get all the states that went red this midterm. With redistricing they'll remain red for quite some time. Also, many of those states you named are mostly red. Thus we get the red parts of those states. In most cases that will be the majority of the state.. That also include all military bases and the surrounding areas even if they are smack dab in the middle of your blue area. We'll be happy to move them to our states and you can use the old bases for communes or whatever you want.

Venture capitalists, the dreaded "rich", and their corporations that want to join us can do so and will be welcomed with open arms. We won't have any capital gains taxes or inheritance taxes, and our taxes on "the rich" will be low enough for them to be able to create jobs. We won't have any labor unions, that means no NEA, or SEIU. There will be no Dept. of Education or Social Security. We will have a fair tax so the IRS will be just another small agency. At no time will any public service job pay more than its counterpart in the private sector that pays the salary of said worker. Our insurance companies will be able to compete over state lines so our insurance prices will be competitive. Let us know how that single payer works out for you.

Oh, and since 99.999% of the farms and ranches are in the red zone we'll be happy to sell you what you need. As we believe in supply and demand we'll price them commiserate with your need. We'll even grow some organically since we know you'll pay ridiculous prices for them. Since you don't want to hurt the precious trees we'll be happy to sell you timber as well.

Enjoy your socialism. It will be entertaining to watch.

[soleil]

Even though I don't fall on the red side, and maybe not even the blue side, this is what I want to say:

Suck it up. The people have spoken. Quit your whining. Quit thinking everyone is below you or inferior to whatever magnificent knowledge you think you own. This is what the majority of the people want. When the majority chose Obama, you weren't whining and bitching that this country is full of imbeciles. In fact, it was quite the contrary. Well that was only 2 years ago, so either a bunch of dumbass people came in to vote, or you are just wrong. Put your big girl panties on, man up, and get the **** over it. Instead of whining, do something useful and contribute to your cause in a way that makes people want to see that way. All I see is a bunch of wah wah wah, and it makes ME sick. I can't imagine how sick it makes people feel who are true die hard repubs or even those people who vary depending on the person. If you hate it so bad, pack your bags and GET THE F OUT. Simple as that. I ain't stopping you. No one is. I get being upset. I get being mad. But if you think this kinda crap is useful, then you are the stupid American. And you can easily change that. Get your complaining whining no contributing ass the hell out.

And since I am on a tear, let me add, if you HATE republicans or any non-liberal then you are a sad excuse for a human being. And you can't talk all that tolerance and love everyone crap you spew. Because it becomes crap when you start hating someone YOU DON'T KNOW based on politics. And in fact, your life must suck some kinda bad if you can hate someone because of it. If you have more compassion for a child molester (Polanski) than your average citizen, then you are SICK and I am glad I don't know you.

[delilahmused]

I don't live in a red area either soleil but I'd move. There are lovely places in eastern Oregon and Idaho. Right along the Snake River and much closer to the Pendleton Round-Up than we are right now.

Cindie

[soleil]

I don't live in a red area either soleil but I'd move. There are lovely places in eastern Oregon and Idaho. Right along the Snake River and much closer to the Pendleton Round-Up than we are right now.

Cindie

Maybe I was unclear, I do live in a red area. MS is a red state. The capital and the coast are blue-ish, but the rest is all red. I live in the Jackson (blue) area , but my town is very red. Too red for my liking, but red nonetheless. We just passed a law where restaurants can serve liquor. Liquor can't be sold in my county though. We have no liquor stores. Just this past year, I can get a margarita at the Mexican restaurant. I am no alki, but I have no problem with liquor stores. Anyway, my message stands.

[jukin]

From Mr. Snuggle Bunny's Time Capsule:

That shall be stolen and sent to the farthest edges of the interwebs.  HI5