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16,000 Diamondbacks Fans Killed On Complimentary Rattlesnake NightThe Onion | September 10, 2010 | ISSUE 46•36 PHOENIX—The Arizona Diamondbacks organization apologized to fans, their families, and the community at large Thursday after more than 16,000 people attending the previous night's game were killed by the poisonous Western diamondback rattlesnakes given out as part of Complimentary Rattlesnake Night."I feel terrible," Diamondbacks general manager Jerry Dipoto told reporters as emergency personnel working out of temporary triage stations around Chase Field injected antivenom into the estimated 23,000 victims who survived the initial wave of snakebites. "All we wanted to do was give people something that was symbolic of the Diamondbacks, something they could take home and keep to remember the team by.""I don't think they'll be taking their rattlesnakes home after this, though," Dipoto said. "They probably won't want them now that all those people are dead."The rattlesnakes, which average 4 feet in length, weigh about 10 pounds, and account for the second-highest number of snakebite fatalities in the United States, were given out to the first 20,000 ticket holders who entered the stadium. While some volunteers initially suffered bites that destroyed their muscle tissue and caused major paralysis, event organizers said the promotion seemed to go smoothly at first."Other than a few hundred fans who complained of swelling, dry mouth, and blurred vision, most seemed to really like their rattlesnakes," said promotions manager Dustin Payne, who doctors believe will make a full recovery after the loss of his left arm due to venom-induced cytotoxic tissue necrosis. "They were twirling them around by their tails, you know, sort of like a Terrible Towel thing, and we were all thinking we had maybe started a great stadium tradition.""But then that little girl died," Payne continued, "which was pretty sudden and sad. And then her mom died. And her little brother died, too, after he got bit in the throat by a rattlesnake."<SNIP>
Kindda like WKRP throwing the free turkeys from the helicopter, huh.
