You know, stankass, I think I know what your problem might be: If you cough real hard, your testicles will probably finish dropping and you will probably be able to roger the missus in a manner she dreams of and be let out of the basement.
That way you won't have to worry about hiring "sex workers" off of Craig's List to fulfill your "needs".
Otherwise, you can continue to fight the cat for space in the shitter and be an uptight liberal bitch boy.