A Best Friend? You Must Be Kidding

[bijou]

FROM the time they met in kindergarten  until they were 15, Robin Shreeves and her friend Penny were inseparable. They rode bikes, played kickball in the street, swam all summer long and listened to Andy Gibb, the Bay City Rollers and Shaun Cassidy on the stereo. When they were little, they liked Barbies; when they were bigger, they hung out at the roller rink on Friday nights. They told each other secrets like which boys they thought were cute, as best friends always do.

Today, Ms. Shreeves, of suburban Philadelphia, is the mother of two boys. Her 10-year-old has a best friend. In fact, he is the son of Ms. Shreeves’s own friend, Penny. But Ms. Shreeves’s younger son, 8, does not. His favorite playmate is a boy who was in his preschool class, but Ms. Shreeves says that the two don’t get together very often because scheduling play dates can be complicated; they usually have to be planned a week or more in advance. “He’ll say, ‘I wish I had someone I can always call,’ ” Ms. Shreeves said.

One might be tempted to feel some sympathy for the younger son. After all, from Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn to Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, the childhood “best friend” has long been romanticized in literature and pop culture — not to mention in the sentimental memories of countless adults.

But increasingly, some educators and other professionals who work with children are asking a question that might surprise their parents: Should a child really have a best friend? ...“I think it is kids’ preference to pair up and have that one best friend. As adults — teachers and counselors — we try to encourage them not to do that,” said Christine Laycob, director of counseling at Mary Institute and St. Louis Country Day School in St. Louis. “We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”

“Parents sometimes say Johnny needs that one special friend,” she continued. “We say he doesn’t need a best friend.” ...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/fashion/17BFF.html?pagewanted=1&src=twt&twt=nytimes

This is bizarre, are teachers going to be allocating friends on a rotating basis soon?

[JohnnyReb]

“We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”

Yep, join a gang and shoot the misfits.

[Zeus]

Best friends or even friends for that matter are few & far between.  What many folks see as a friend is really just an acquaintance.

A friend will help one out in need if it's convenient for them. A Best friend will be there for you through thick or thin.

[BlueStateSaint]

It's socialism.  "Little Dave doesn't have any friends.  Here, Johnny, you give Davey one, because you have four."

Never mind that Davey's parents don't bathe him more than once a week, whether he needs it or not.

[debk]

It's socialism.  "Little Dave doesn't have any friends.  Here, Johnny, you give Davey one, because you have four."

Never mind that Davey's parents don't bathe him more than once a week, whether he needs it or not.

Actually it is "socialization".

It really is better for children to develop with a group of friends, not just one. Usually within the group, the children will tend to be closer to one or two than the entire group.

Children who are able to socialize well within a group tend to be more outgoing, make friends/acquaintances better through life than if they were more isolated with only one "best friend".

It is true that a child who only has one friend, and only does activities with that one other child....does tend to become very possessive of that friend, particularly if the child does not have siblings. As we cannot control another's actions...eventually something/someone will come between that friendship, whether it be the family moves out of town, college, boy/girlfriends, etc. A child with just one best friend, will have a great deal of trouble adjusting to the status change of the friendship, regardless of whether or not the change happens when the child is young, or into their teens.

I learned this 40 years ago in a college Child Psychology class. I doubt that it has changed in that time.

What has changed, is that some children have isolated themselves into a "friendship" with a computer or MP3. This, to me, is much more harmful to a child than just having one best friend. 

[Zeus]

Actually it is "socialization".

It really is better for children to develop with a group of friends, not just one. Usually within the group, the children will tend to be closer to one or two than the entire group.

Children who are able to socialize well within a group tend to be more outgoing, make friends/acquaintances better through life than if they were more isolated with only one "best friend".

It is true that a child who only has one friend, and only does activities with that one other child....does tend to become very possessive of that friend, particularly if the child does not have siblings. As we cannot control another's actions...eventually something/someone will come between that friendship, whether it be the family moves out of town, college, boy/girlfriends, etc. A child with just one best friend, will have a great deal of trouble adjusting to the status change of the friendship, regardless of whether or not the change happens when the child is young, or into their teens.

I learned this 40 years ago in a college Child Psychology class. I doubt that it has changed in that time.

What has changed, is that some children have isolated themselves into a "friendship" with a computer or MP3. This, to me, is much more harmful to a child than just having one best friend. 

I understand the philosophy behind child socialization. I also think it is an overworked concept. Just like Intergration etc etc if allowed to germinate and progress naturally it's longterm benefits far outweigh the forced alternative.

[PatriotGame]

“We try to talk to kids and work with them to get them to have big groups of friends and not be so possessive about friends.”

Yep, join a gang and shoot the misfits.

10-4!

[chitownchica]

Best friends or even friends for that matter are few & far between.  What many folks see as a friend is really just an acquaintance.

A friend will help one out in need if it's convenient for them. A Best friend will be there for you through thick or thin.

I think the saying is a good friend will help you move.  A best friend will help you move a body.   

[MrsSmith]

Actually it is "socialization".

It really is better for children to develop with a group of friends, not just one. Usually within the group, the children will tend to be closer to one or two than the entire group.

Children who are able to socialize well within a group tend to be more outgoing, make friends/acquaintances better through life than if they were more isolated with only one "best friend".

It is true that a child who only has one friend, and only does activities with that one other child....does tend to become very possessive of that friend, particularly if the child does not have siblings. As we cannot control another's actions...eventually something/someone will come between that friendship, whether it be the family moves out of town, college, boy/girlfriends, etc. A child with just one best friend, will have a great deal of trouble adjusting to the status change of the friendship, regardless of whether or not the change happens when the child is young, or into their teens.

I learned this 40 years ago in a college Child Psychology class. I doubt that it has changed in that time.

What has changed, is that some children have isolated themselves into a "friendship" with a computer or MP3. This, to me, is much more harmful to a child than just having one best friend. 

This is probably a good thing to do for some kids...maybe even most kids...part of the time.  Kids with outgoing personalities will deal with this pretty well...though they'll still tend to create "gangs" this way.

However, what is good for most kids is most definitely not good for all.  Kids with introverted personalities get shoved into groups all the time by well-meaning educators and other adults...with the predictable result that those kids learn they are misfits.  For some children, it's either one friend, or no friends.  A great many end up with none because of these same well-meaning adults.

[vesta111]

This is probably a good thing to do for some kids...maybe even most kids...part of the time.  Kids with outgoing personalities will deal with this pretty well...though they'll still tend to create "gangs" this way.

However, what is good for most kids is most definitely not good for all.  Kids with introverted personalities get shoved into groups all the time by well-meaning educators and other adults...with the predictable result that those kids learn they are misfits.  For some children, it's either one friend, or no friends.  A great many end up with none because of these same well-meaning adults.

[/quote]
It is true that a child who only has one friend, and only does activities with that one other child....does tend to become very possessive of that friend, particularly if the child does not have siblings. As we cannot control anther's actions...eventually something/someone will come between that friendship, whether it be the family moves out of town, college, boy/girlfriends, etc. A child with just one best friend, will have a great deal of trouble adjusting to the status change of the friendship, regardless of whether or not the change happens when the child is young, or into their teens. 

Bull sh*t.   Crap and seriously disturbing.

No wonder marriages are breaking up, the partners have never had a best friend in their childhood.  They have no idea how to give their love, devotion and the very act of protecting their best friend or standing by them in time of need to just one other person. They have no idea of moving on from a group  to just one other person under this thinking.

To have a wide circle of acquaintices is to have to become neutral on feelings for each and every one.

How I ask can anyone go from a life of not having any good or best friends and knowing all the ins and outs of that relationship to go into a relationship that is alien to them.  A committed relationship with no experience in having a best friend cannot last under any circumstance.

So a couple marry but continue to follow the idea that they should not spend all their time together or with the children, is nuts.  Should both people give their so called friends the same time and care as they do their Mates.??

Training kids that as adults to not devote time to their best friend is creepy.  Having a mate that is your best friend makes a marriage solid. 

I suspect this i an assult on one on one relationships.  Be it a Gay or Heterosexual relationship there is a nasty agenda behind this.

[ConservativeMobster]

How about teachers concentrate on academics and let the playground stuff happen as it will?  If mommy can't schedule "playdates" for her child wanting a best friend, shame on her.

[rich_t]

A best friend will help you bury the body.

 

[bkg]

A best friend will help you bury the body. And lie about it in court.

 

:D

[AllosaursRus]

A best friend will help you bury the body.

 

A best friend won't even tell you where the body is buried! He'll just tell you how many cases it will cost you!

Jeff, is that you???????