Lord Undies: A Critique

[Lord Undies]

I know y'all don't know me IRL, but I can assure you I am the same person here and everywhere.  My wife, if she were the internet sort, would tell you nothing would give her greater pleasure than to slap the shit out me and then kiss me for being me.  We'll be married 37 years on June 3rd. 

I recently got an email from my sister, who is ten years older than me, who I have not seen or spoke to since 09/11/01.  That was the day we both attended our cousin's funeral.

My sister didn't have very many complimentary things to say. 

There are a lot of dynamics I wouldn't want to go into.  I know a lot about her past.  She hates that. 

I was just a kid when she was screwing every guy she knew while her (still) husband was at one of his seldom jobs... walked in on two of them...I brought this up once when my sister was trying to degrade my treatment of our now dead aunt, whom my wife and I did so much for.

I love my sister.  I want a relationship with her. 

The idea is complicated by the fact my sister's daughter...my niece...and her son-in-law have become multi-millionaires.  Her daughter bought her a house, etc. after they never had a pot to pee in or a window to pour it out.  I used to have to bail them all out of financial crisis.  I did it gladly.  I never even expected repayment.  It was a gift.

I always had a wonderful relationship with my niece, but I haven't heard from her in a few years.  She was always my baby.  I was seven when she was born.

Am I really a creep?  Am I really disgusting?   

[Duke Nukum]

I would focus on why I want a relationship with my sister and not give any thought to whatever I felt may complicate things.

If my sister had hard feelings toward me or doubted my motives, I would respect that but let her know of my sincere desire.

[CactusCarlos]

I know y'all don't know me IRL, but I can assure you I am the same person here and everywhere.  My wife, if she were the internet sort, would tell you nothing would give her greater pleasure than to slap the shit out me and then kiss me for being me.  We'll be married 37 years on June 3rd. 

I recently got an email from my sister, who is ten years older than me, who I have not seen or spoke to since 09/11/01.  That was the day we both attended our cousin's funeral.

My sister didn't have very many complimentary things to say. 

There are a lot of dynamics I wouldn't want to go into.  I know a lot about her past.  She hates that. 

I was just a kid when she was screwing every guy she knew while her (still) husband was at one of his seldom jobs... walked in on two of them...I brought this up once when my sister was trying to degrade my treatment of our now dead aunt, whom my wife and I did so much for.

I love my sister.  I want a relationship with her. 

The idea is complicated by the fact my sister's daughter...my niece...and her son-in-law have become multi-millionaires.  Her daughter bought her a house, etc. after they never had a pot to pee in or a window to pour it out.  I used to have to bail them all out of financial crisis.  I did it gladly.  I never even expected repayment.  It was a gift.

I always had a wonderful relationship with my niece, but I haven't heard from her in a few years.  She was always my baby.  I was seven when she was born.

Am I really a creep?  Am I really disgusting?   

I only know you from here but you sound like someone I'd like to meet someday and maybe have coffee with.  You seem intelligent and you seem like you have a good heart. 

You should contact your sister and tell her what you said above about loving her and wanting a relationship.  She may be reluctant for some reason to contact you first and may be hoping you'll be the one brave enough to do it. 

[Lord Undies]

I know y'all don't know me IRL, but I can assure you I am the same person here and everywhere.  My wife, if she were the internet sort, would tell you nothing would give her greater pleasure than to slap the shit out me and then kiss me for being me.  We'll be married 37 years on June 3rd. 

I recently got an email from my sister, who is ten years older than me, who I have not seen or spoke to since 09/11/01.  That was the day we both attended our cousin's funeral.

My sister didn't have very many complimentary things to say. 

There are a lot of dynamics I wouldn't want to go into.  I know a lot about her past.  She hates that. 

I was just a kid when she was screwing every guy she knew while her (still) husband was at one of his seldom jobs... walked in on two of them...I brought this up once when my sister was trying to degrade my treatment of our now dead aunt, whom my wife and I did so much for.

I love my sister.  I want a relationship with her. 

The idea is complicated by the fact my sister's daughter...my niece...and her son-in-law have become multi-millionaires.  Her daughter bought her a house, etc. after they never had a pot to pee in or a window to pour it out.  I used to have to bail them all out of financial crisis.  I did it gladly.  I never even expected repayment.  It was a gift.

I always had a wonderful relationship with my niece, but I haven't heard from her in a few years.  She was always my baby.  I was seven when she was born.

Am I really a creep?  Am I really disgusting?   

I only know you from here but you sound like someone I'd like to meet someday and maybe have coffee with.  You seem intelligent and you seem like you have a good heart. 

You should contact your sister and tell her what you said above about loving her and wanting a relationship.  She may be reluctant for some reason to contact you first and may be hoping you'll be the one brave enough to do it. 

I've tried. I've even went through my younger brother, forgetting how he had so much anomosity towrds our father, whom I loved (he lived with me when he died).

It is all so ugly.  So many petty crap-a-zoids.

My station is:  We are all over fifty now.  The last child, my baby bro will be 52 in July.   My blessed sister is gonna be 65 in December.  We could all start dropping dead any minute.     

I love them all so very much.  I cannot imagine how this has turned out the way it has.  I just want us, all five of us, to get together in a room and hug for one last time.  The old kids, the middle child, and us two young ones. 

When our mom died in 1972, it was like the glue gave way.  Then my dad remarried nine months later.  Nothing was ever the same.

I stood by my dad, after a while.  I realized life is for the living.  My parents marriage wasn't perfect.  My dad was then exactly the age I am now.  His new wife made him happy.  They were married 21 years until her death from cancer in 1994.  She was the only grandmother my kids knew on my side.  She was a good one.  The kids always had to give her a kiss when we left a visit.  That was just the way it was.

My oldest son was a pallbearer at her funeral.  When the pallbearers were doing their last pass by the open casket, my son reached in and gave her a kiss.  I will never get over it. 

[Splashdown]

Undies,

It is my humble opinion that you have to keep trying. Keep throwing the lines of communication out there. It may be difficult, it may be discouraging, but keep trying. She may give in out of sheer exhaustion. It is obviously really important. Just keep sending an occasional email.

My uncle was estranged from his sisters (my mom and aunts) for close to 30 years. It took a long time, but we got him back. There was some bad blood between his wife and his sisters. But he came back, and we of the younger generation discovered what a wonderful uncle we'd missed all those years. He died recently, and his viewing and funeral were full of loving family.

It worked for a bunch of stubborn Italians in my mother's family.

Keep trying.

[BEG]

If I like you then what could possible be wrong with you?  

[CactusCarlos]

It is my humble opinion that you have to keep trying. Keep throwing the lines of communication out there. It may be difficult, it may be discouraging, but keep trying. She may give in out of sheer exhaustion. It is obviously really important. Just keep sending an occasional email.

Undies, I couldn't have said this any better than Splashdown just did here.  I just said a prayer for you, that the Lord bring peace to you and your family, and comfort to your heart.

[Lord Undies]

Undies,

It is my humble opinion that you have to keep trying. Keep throwing the lines of communication out there. It may be difficult, it may be discouraging, but keep trying. She may give in out of sheer exhaustion. It is obviously really important. Just keep sending an occasional email.

My uncle was estranged from his sisters (my mom and aunts) for close to 30 years. It took a long time, but we got him back. There was some bad blood between his wife and his sisters. But he came back, and we of the younger generation discovered what a wonderful uncle we'd missed all those years. He died recently, and his viewing and funeral were full of loving family.

It worked for a bunch of stubborn Italians in my mother's family.

Keep trying.

I intend to keep trying.  I have only touched the surface of the dynamics involved.  I haven't had any contact with my oldest brother, twelve years older than me, since I "loaned"  $1500 in 1983.  In his defense, he did send me a thousand dollars worth of money orders over a long period of time, after I decided to threaten to tell his then wife why he borrowed the money.  Maybe I am a monster?

My older sister and I parted ways the day she and my aunt, who my wife and I had taken extremely good care of, came to our home to tell us "it's over".  It was about how we had been abusing the aunt...who died in January 1996....who my wife and I had to pay to bury...but thanks to my wife, our aunt had a burial policy....so it didn't cost us as much as when my uncle (her husband) dropped dead with no insurance.

My wife had done so much for my aunt isn't even to be believed.  My aunt was a disgusting alcoholic who actually drank herself blind.  She never even got up off her butt to take a bath.  Her husband did everything for her.

My wife got her involved in the Lighthouse For The Blind and the Lions Club.   My aunt actually LIVED her last few years because of my wife.  There were a hundred people at her funeral.  Without my wife, there probably would be no one who remembers my aunt ever lived.

It is all so very frustrating.

[DixieBelle]

Oh sweet Uncle Undies. Family ties really are the ones that bind aren't they?

I'm with you, it's time to let bygones be bygones and enjoy whatever remaining time you all have left. No one knows what the future holds. I would keep trying. Putting the pieces back together doesn't happen overnight but you musn't give up.

Have you thought about some sort of family reunion? I can relate to a lot of what you posted. Both of my grandfathers died suddenly (56 and 57 respectively) and the families scattered to the four winds. The first one died of a heart attack in the church parking lot and less than a year later, the other one killed himself. It's been over 20 years and I still have aunts/uncles/cousins that I haven't seen since the funerals.

At Christmas, a lot of us ended up together at one of my aunt's. My grandmother (who is 83) made it and I proposed that we all find a way to make sure we see each other again before we're standing over her coffin. I know my family and that's what it will take to get some of them in a room together again. Sigh.

Keep reaching out. We're all flawed. We all hurt people in some ways. Sometimes we just need to get in a room together and talk over a cup of coffee.

[Chris_]

oh for feck's sake, I had a long post drafted and my computer locked.

I agree with DixieBelle, be patient and start building those bridges. Some may take longer than others, but with each day, you will get closer to your loved ones. We are social creatures and we all want to be loved. Some people are stubborn and need some time to get over themselves. However, a sincere effort will likely knock down their stubborness. I believe your heart is sincere, keep up the faith and pray for your family's healing.

Let us know how it goes. 

[Zeus]

Undies,

My family wasn't a tight family. When my mom died in 1999 it was the first time all seven of us kids were home at the same time since about 1966. I didn't even recognize one of my brothers. Moms passing did generate a little desire to become reacquainted somewhat and it was slowly happening until my dad died in 2003 then things just kinda went back to the way it was before. Then in 2007 two of my brothers died within 3 weeks of each other(one was 60 the other 50).  My two sisters are trying their damnedest to get us remaining 5 siblings back together again (The oldest is 53 the youngest is 44) but my one arrogant prick of a brother is intent on pissing on everyones parade(the more things change the more they remain the same). Irrespective of assshole brothers attitude the other three siblings and myself are making slow but sure progress. In that respect we are learning about & overcoming the misconceptions about each other that has kept us apart for too long.

Instead of a novella I should have just said Follow your heart and if ya get a little crap on ya wipe it off and continue to march. I believe you will find it worth the Trouble.

[asdf2231]

Undies,

My Dad and I spent almost 9 years not talking to each other. I was not alone, he distanced himself off from my sister and three brothers as well, but he and I were estranged the worst.

He almost died in a fall that smacked the back of his head onto concrete.  He was on blood thinners and the cerebral swelling was so bad they did brain surgery on him to relieve the pressure.  Nobody thought to tell me about it until after he was released from the hospital.

I called him up and told him that, well... I told him a lot of things.  The most important was that no matter what had passed between us that I loved him and that I wanted him in my life.  I had a daughter about to be born and I wanted her to have a grandfather an not a handfull of bitter stories from me.  It scared the crap out of me that he almost died with so much blackness hanging between us.

We managed to turn a corner. We maintained a cordial long distance relationship the two years we were in Korea and got closer after we moved home to the DC area. We talked on the phone once a week or so and I visited with him and my stepmom everytime we came home. My own son, born in August of 2001 bears his name.  

The wife and I moved home to Wisconsin in the summer of 02, in part to be closer to family.

Over the next 18 months we even got to be pretty good friends as well as father and son.  

In September of 03 I took him to the range with me for a shooting day.  he was pale and looked stretched and tired and at the end of the day he handed me a pistol and told me that he wanted me to have it. He also told me he was going into the doctors office for some tests on Monday.

I came home and was sitting at the kitchen table looking at the pistol and I started crying. Because I knew something was coming.  He died 6 weeks later from cancer.  His last relatively healthy day was spent with me putzing around on the shooting benches. Every day after was pain and oxygen tanks and IV's. I had to hold his hand in the hospital and break the news to him that the cancer wasn't getting better without chemo and that the medicines to get him healthy enough for chemo wouldn't work because the cancer was so bad.

But when the man died there was not a single thing that I wished that I had said to him.  I knew he loved me, I knew he was proud of me as a son and as a man, and he knew how much I loved him.  

When it comes down to it, life is too damn short and the only thing we really have worth dick is the people that we love.
Do whatever you can to let her know you still love her and would like to have your sister in your life.

As a corollary... If you try and the people you are trying to reach out to are irredeemable, you have to cut your losses and content yourself that you did in fact try.  It does not make you less of a person, or any kind of monster.  It makes you someone who tried to reach out in love.

We do what we can and God takes care of the rest.  I rejected that for the longest time as the worst sort of sophistry.  But more and more it's becoming my core motto.  The secret is being able to fogive yourself when what you can do isn't enough to change the situation. Because often it isn't.

[franksolich]

I dunno, Demonic Underwear, sir.

I came from a large family, at the tail-end of it, with only one younger than myself.

It was a pretty contentious, harshly competitive, family, although whatever the problems were, existed long before I was born, and I could never make sense of the issues.

Over time, beginning when I was in college, they all started dying off; prematurely, and from diseases that afflict the affluent, those leading easy and comfortable and secure lives.

I'm the only one left.

I took them one at a time; there was never this urge, this yearning, for "one big family reunion," especially after the parents were dead.  I got along with them all, although as individuals, not as all together, as one big family.

I think one's relationships with one's parents and one's children are the truly important ones; as for brothers and sisters, if one gets along really good, fine--but if one doesn't get along really good, well that's life.

[Zeus]

We talked on the phone once a week or so

Thoughout the yrs no matter where I was I called my dad a couple times a month. Now the silly part: even though my dad has been gone for 5 yrs I still have his phone number on speed dial. I delete numbers regularly but for some strange reason I haven't deleted that one.

[asdf2231]

We talked on the phone once a week or so

Thoughout the yrs no matter where I was I called my dad a couple times a month. Now the silly part: even though my dad has been gone for 5 yrs I still have his phone number on speed dial. I delete numbers regularly but for some strange reason I haven't deleted that one.

Dittos.

I call my stepmom every now and then and it's still listed as "Dad and Joan".

[Zeus]

We talked on the phone once a week or so

Thoughout the yrs no matter where I was I called my dad a couple times a month. Now the silly part: even though my dad has been gone for 5 yrs I still have his phone number on speed dial. I delete numbers regularly but for some strange reason I haven't deleted that one.

Dittos.

I call my stepmom every now and then and it's still listed as "Dad and Joan".

yea well my mom passed 4 yrs before my dad so if I ever dialed that number and either one of them answered I'd have to look over my shoulder to see if Rod Serling is standing behind me 

[Lord Undies]

I thank every one of you.  Family is a strange word.

I was 18 when my mom died.  I spent my youth hating my dad.  None of us kids could stand our dad. My kid brother was 16 when his life was upended.  Gosh, there is so many stories in the Naked City.

My dad was a WW2 vet.   A Navy guy,  He wasn't a bum. 

I spent so much time not loving him.

[Zeus]

I thank every one of you.  Family is a strange word.

I was 18 when my mom died.  I spent my youth hating my dad.  None of us kids could stand our dad. My kid brother was 16 when his life was upended.  Gosh, there is so many stories in the Naked City.

My dad was a WW2 vet.   A Navy guy,  He wasn't a bum. 

I spent so much time not loving him.

I only spent a couple days back home when my mom died. Spent longer when my dad died,people actually knew I was in town. After a couple days of hearing "Damn if you don't look just like your Father" my sick demented mind retorted to a family friend " I hope I don't look like a 77 yr old dead man"

My father was the only person on earth I would not & could not say no to no matter how much I really didn't want to do what he asked of me. That was the man I didn't say five words to from the age of 17 - 23.