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Author Topic: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer  (Read 1439 times)

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Offline Vagabond

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DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« on: October 30, 2009, 01:21:38 AM »
Okay, this actually is funny

Quote
WillieW  (1000+ posts)     Thu Oct-29-09 09:26 PM
Original message
Only a man would attempt this LOL (a funny)
 I must admit I got this in an e-mail. but this I some how believe. Even if not true, it is really funny....

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife, Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket(purse- sized) tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it.

She is such a sweet cat.

But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.


All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference.

Pretty cute, really, and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'Don't do it, Dip ****,' reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the damage.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace, the recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was, my triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching my face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

 :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
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Offline BlueStateSaint

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2009, 04:08:18 AM »
I saw this email about two months ago.  Pretty funny, but I can see a DUmb**** actually trying this.
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Offline crockspot

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2009, 06:10:23 AM »
Quote
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

This sounds like Mopaul the morning after the 04 election.
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Offline Karin

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2009, 09:55:59 AM »
Quote
Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Oh please.  This was not one bit funny, especially when the guy considered tazering his cat.  Excruciating pain does not evince laughter in me, ever. 
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Offline The Village Idiot

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2009, 10:51:19 AM »
Quote from: Karin on October 30, 2009, 09:55:59 AM
Oh please.  This was not one bit funny, especially when the guy considered tazering his cat.  Excruciating pain does not evince laughter in me, ever. 

What about if its a DUmmie? Pitt?
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Offline SSG Snuggle Bunny

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2009, 11:19:41 AM »
I remember this from c. 2004.
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Offline jinxmchue

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2009, 11:19:52 AM »
Quote from: Karin on October 30, 2009, 09:55:59 AM
Oh please.  This was not one bit funny, especially when the guy considered tazering his cat.  Excruciating pain does not evince laughter in me, ever. 

It's fake, Karin.  You'd laugh if this happened to Jim Carrey or someone else on the movie screen.
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Offline The Village Idiot

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2009, 11:25:05 AM »
Quote from: Mr Snuggle Bunny on October 30, 2009, 11:19:41 AM
I remember this from c. 2004.

back when it was a stun gun?
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Offline GOBUCKS

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2009, 11:27:06 AM »
Quote from: Karin on October 30, 2009, 09:55:59 AM
Oh please.  This was not one bit funny, especially when the guy considered tazering his cat.  Excruciating pain does not evince laughter in me, ever.  /quote]

As John Riggins (NFL player) once said to Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, "Loosen up, Sandy baby."
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Offline SSG Snuggle Bunny

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2009, 12:11:18 PM »
Quote from: FGL on October 30, 2009, 11:25:05 AM
back when it was a stun gun?
IIRC I first read this when I was at protestwarrior.com (before it went ronulan); which is when I first started doing p-shops and those are dated 2004.
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Offline DumbAss Tanker

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2009, 12:29:41 PM »
Quote from: Karin on October 30, 2009, 09:55:59 AM
Oh please.  This was not one bit funny, especially when the guy considered tazering his cat.  Excruciating pain does not evince laughter in me, ever. 

It's a guy thing.  You wootten unnastan'.   :-)
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Offline Chris_

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2009, 01:42:20 PM »
Quote from: DumbAss Tanker on October 30, 2009, 12:29:41 PM
It's a guy thing.  You wootten unnastan'.   :-)

It is??  Weird, I was laughing my ass off!   :hyper:
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Offline DumbAss Tanker

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2009, 01:49:19 PM »
Quote from: SherryBaby on October 30, 2009, 01:42:20 PM
It is??  Weird, I was laughing my ass off!   :hyper:

It just means you have a deliciously-evil streak.  Which just makes you even hotter than you undoubtedly were already.

 :cheersmate:
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Go and tell the Spartans, O traveler passing by
That here, obedient to their law, we lie.

Anything worth shooting once is worth shooting at least twice.

Offline Chris_

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2009, 01:54:59 PM »
Quote from: DumbAss Tanker on October 30, 2009, 01:49:19 PM
It just means you have a deliciously-evil streak.  Which just makes you even hotter than you undoubtedly were already.

 :cheersmate:

...but not quite as hot as the author's nipples.    :evillaugh:
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Offline The Village Idiot

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2009, 02:13:31 PM »
Quote from: SherryBaby on October 30, 2009, 01:54:59 PM
...but not quite as hot as the author's nipples.    :evillaugh:

I didn't know they were flammable
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Offline Chris_

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #15 on: October 30, 2009, 03:16:16 PM »
Quote from: FGL on October 30, 2009, 02:13:31 PM
I didn't know they were flammable

Quote from: self tasering dipshit
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

I'm just sayin'.
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Offline The Village Idiot

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Re: DUmmie post what not to do with a tazer
« Reply #16 on: October 30, 2009, 03:49:01 PM »
Quote from: SherryBaby on October 30, 2009, 03:16:16 PM
I'm just sayin'.

Sounds like a very bad WKRP episode.

"As God is my witness I didn't know nipples were flammable"
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