primitives starting over

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=301x649

Oh my.

mopinko  (1000+ posts)        Mon Aug-17-09 11:56 AM
Original message
 
starting over at 55

so, DH and i are in a bad spot right now. i think that it might blow over. i think i can see what his problem is, and why he is reacting like he is, but for the present i am sleeping on the couch. (midlife crisis, i guess you could say.)

this is not the first bad spot we have had. in fact the whole relationship has been a lot of work. he does not talk until i get in his face. he would pout forever if i would let him. we did split up for a while a couple years ago. just a couple of weeks. there were some mitigating factors, and basically all was pretty well after a little work. for quite a while after that we both felt pretty secure. lately, tho, the old passive aggressive crap that he brought from his family has returned.

here is my problem- we have 4 kids together. the baby is 16. 3 of them still live at home, plus my daughter will be moving in soon. i have not had a job in 25 years.

i have kinda crappy health- fibromyalgia and some assorted other shit. not enough to get any kind of disability, but enough to interfere with a steady job. i have been trying for the last 10 years to get a career as an artist started. but my kids have had so many problems, and i have so much trouble with my body, that i am lucky i was able to even make any art. i just have not been able to get it out there where the money is.

we have a goodly amount of assets, and i am sure i would get a good settlement, especially if things play out the way i expect them to now. but i don't think it will be enough to live on, and, importantly, i don't thing it will be enough for me to hang on to our big house.

i love this house as much as i love him. i have poured much of myself into it, remodeling many parts of it with my own hands. it is full of one of a kind tile jobs, cabinets that i built in the super great kitchen. full of me, and something i have always wanted. we have lived here for 22 years.

right now i just can't sort out how i feel about this marriage from how afraid i am to start over. this has been a big chunk of my emotional landscape all these last 25 years, to some extent. but it seems almost cruel and unusual punishment to leave me hanging here with many fears and few hopes. once upon a time i would have been able to start over. but who the hell would hire a 55 yo woman with no real salable skills?

Well, well.

elleng  (1000+ posts)        Tue Aug-18-09 08:09 PM
Response to Original message
 
1. DEAR mop, SO SORRY for you.

I've been throught/am still going through a mess of a situation, but our stories are different. I've had to sue my husb for my share of assets from sale of our wonderful house, which used to be our wonderful home. Daughters away in college. (Older daughter having surgery for p---- cyst tomorrow.)

I'm away from internet more than usual now, as I've moved (3rd time since '06) and don't have a connection at home yet, but there's Starbucks and McD's.

AwakeAtLast  (1000+ posts)        Tue Aug-18-09 09:19 PM
Response to Original message
 
2. That sounds like you've got a lot going on

I would say that I have been in the same boat, but not to the extent that you are.

I have found a lot of good online help. I just googles "Coping/healing from divorce/separation" or the like and had many things come up. I could read for days solid on some of the sites.

Have you thought about teaching art to adults for money? It could supplement what you make from your artistic pieces.

mopinko  (1000+ posts)        Wed Aug-19-09 10:46 AM
Response to Reply #2
 
3. i live in a city full of teachers, and artists with degrees. 

to say nothing of small art centers and schools. and especially with the economy like it is, without my degree, it would be a really tough sell.

the one friend that i have that could give me a job that i would be great at runs a non-profit gallery. i have done much for her over the years, and i don't think she would tell me no. (although she might have a few words of advise about my attire!) especially since she knows that the paychecks there are sometimes late, or occasionally just not there.

i do thing that things are going to blow over here, but it remains a constant for me that i have built my life on a sandy foundation.

SheilaT  (1000+ posts)      Wed Aug-19-09 12:02 PM
Response to Original message
 
4. If you have not held paid employment for 25 years you cannot get disability. You must have paid into the system for a number of quarters in recent years, so forget that completely.

What exactly do you mean with no real salable skills? You have at least some computer literacy. Do you know Word or Excel or Access or PowerPoint? You've probably done volunteer work through kids' school or perhaps your church. All of this helps.

You need to go about any job search, as well as any possible end of your marriage, in an orgnized fashion. If there is a community college anywhere nearby get in touch with them and they'll help with a resume. They'll also have classes to build computer skills. They have many programs which lead to degrees or certifications in many fields.

I'll be 61 on Sunday. My divorce became final a year ago. I also had not worked for twenty-five years, but I'd built good computer skills along the way. I went back to school and got a paralegal degree and it hasn't been all that hard to get an entry-level job. Of course, an entry-level job doesn't pay huge sums of money, so I'm living very frugally and making it.

The most important thing is to be realistic about the state of your marriage and what kind of work you can get. Kids over age 18 or out of high school can support themselves. Do NOT impoverish yourself for them. Do not hang on to a big house you can't afford, no matter how much you live it. You can learn to love a very small space.

It's tough, and only you can make the final decision about everything.

EFerrari  (1000+ posts)        Mon Aug-24-09 05:29 AM
Response to Original message

5. I haven't found anyone who will hire me in nearly two years.

You know I love you, mo. And if you can make it work, make it work. I don't miss my ex but I miss the business I spent 15 years building. Not only the money but all of it that he got in the divorce.

I'm going to have to let go of this place for a while and move in with family until I have an income. I'd rather shoot myself but there it is.

This isn't a good time to be a mid fifties woman looking to get back into the market. 

mopinko  (1000+ posts)        Mon Aug-24-09 09:09 AM
Response to Reply #5
 
6. it's pretty much blown over. but, god, i hate being the grown-up.

i think this one was a record- not speaking for 5 days. sleeping on the couch. just so ****ing exhausting. and predictable. one of those stupid boy things.

but it is so ****ed up that every fight i have to worry about ending up on the street. i never thought i would end up like this. i am trying to fight off the anger of finding out that after all the doctors, including the ones who pretty much told me i was crazy, and all the tests, and all the pills, and all the other bullshit, i have apnea. i haven't gotten my cpap yet, but it will be a mixed blessing. i will feel a lot better, but i will have to reconcile that i lost control of my life over something so simple. life is crazy.

so sorry you are having to move in with family sweetie. so sorry you are loosing your little place, too. such a beautiful little spot on the globe there. it is just not right that you can't find a way to make a living. i hope that you are at least writing. keep writing. nobody can take that away from you. maybe it wont be as bad as you are expecting. my oldest is moving back in. i am determined to make it not a nightmare. she needs to get through college, and i am so glad she is dumping her boyfriend. he is a boneheaded boy.

EFerrari  (1000+ posts)        Tue Aug-25-09 07:54 PM
Response to Reply #6
 
7. It is tiresome to be the grown up all the time.

No kidding.

Now, how would Doug's really stupid ex-wife know that?

[jtyangel]

You know, I do feel for these women. I'm not even 40, but having been out of full time work for 10 years and entering a crappy economy, well, it has been difficult at best. Not even a bite. I've decided to revamp my resume to include 'work' I've done at home and word it to look like something I don't think it is, but I need a job.

On the other hand, a spat that sends one to the couch does not the end of a marriage make. Try sleeping in seperate quarters for 2 or 3 years and then tell me about being 'worried' and deciding to be the grown up who has to make the tough decision and be the 'bad guy/girl'.

[Texacon]

You know, I do feel for these women. I'm not even 40, but having been out of full time work for 10 years and entering a crappy economy, well, it has been difficult at best. Not even a bite. I've decided to revamp my resume to include 'work' I've done at home and word it to look like something I don't think it is, but I need a job.

On the other hand, a spat that sends one to the couch does not the end of a marriage make. Try sleeping in seperate quarters for 2 or 3 years and then tell me about being 'worried' and deciding to be the grown up who has to make the tough decision and be the 'bad guy/girl'.

Ahhh but jty dear ... how many times did you apply for or even contemplate, DISABILITY to make things work for you?  That, in my opinion, is the biggest difference between the left and the right.  THEY are always looking for someone else to pay their way.  WE are not.

KC

[Defiant1]

The primitive should invest in Dr. Laura's book; The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

[DumbAss Tanker]

You know, I do feel for these women. I'm not even 40, but having been out of full time work for 10 years and entering a crappy economy, well, it has been difficult at best. Not even a bite. I've decided to revamp my resume to include 'work' I've done at home and word it to look like something I don't think it is, but I need a job.

On the other hand, a spat that sends one to the couch does not the end of a marriage make. Try sleeping in seperate quarters for 2 or 3 years and then tell me about being 'worried' and deciding to be the grown up who has to make the tough decision and be the 'bad guy/girl'.

I expect you have been "Actually trying," which is a lot different than what a DUmmie means when she says "Trying for the last 10 years."  If she had actually been trying to make even a limited go of art for commercial purposes for 10 years, she would either be established enough to be making at least a few sales (And for most artist it doesn't equal a real day job, but there isn't much overhead, either; you've gotta want to do it and have the creative fire) or she would have realized she just plain sucks at it and thrown in the towel, then moved on to Plan B (Of course, DUmmies rarely even have a functional Plan A).

I feel for the poor bastard she married, you can read between the lines in that post to tell she rides him like a rented mule and her biggest concern about him is the present cash value of a divorce settlement.   

[jtyangel]

Ahhh but jty dear ... how many times did you apply for or even contemplate, DISABILITY to make things work for you?  That, in my opinion, is the biggest difference between the left and the right.  THEY are always looking for someone else to pay their way.  WE are not.

KC

Well that's because I thought disability was for people that are..well..disabled? LOL Silly me. I didn't know it was a slush fund for recently divorced women with accumulated health problems to have the gov. become their new husbands.

[whiffleball]

Ahhh but jty dear ... how many times did you apply for or even contemplate, DISABILITY to make things work for you?  That, in my opinion, is the biggest difference between the left and the right.  THEY are always looking for someone else to pay their way.  WE are not.

KC

Liberals/progressives live in a pie-in-the-sky, idealistic world and a far cry from being 'grown up'.  Conservatives live in the real world, utilize common sense and know the meaning of personal responsibility.  JMO.

 

 

[jtyangel]

The primitive should invest in Dr. Laura's book; The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.

Trust me, nothing works when only one person tries to mend things.

[jtyangel]

I expect you have been "Actually trying," which is a lot different than what a DUmmie means when she says "Trying for the last 10 years."  If she had actually been trying to make even a limited go of art for commercial purposes for 10 years, she would either be established enough to be making at least a few sales (And for most artist it doesn't equal a real day job, but there isn't much overhead, either; you've gotta want to do it and have the creative fire) or she would have realized she just plain sucks at it and thrown in the towel, then moved on to Plan B (Of course, DUmmies rarely even have a functional Plan A).

I feel for the poor bastard she married, you can read between the lines in that post to tell she rides him like a rented mule and her biggest concern about him is the present cash value of a divorce settlement.   

Yes, I have. I get down about it, but then I talked to my girlfriend out west who said it took her 9 months to find something and I haven't been looking that long. Realistically, right now, it takes time along with the effort. I think I get more antsy because I have loans to pay off and I don't like sitting on them indefinitely.

I agree with you about the art. We actually have a small photography business that gets a little bigger each year. Definitely not a full time income, but it sure has helped when things are tight or been a nice little bit of $$ for extras during better times. It does take time and dedication and passion for it though. The artsy/craftsy crowd doesn't really mind little ones around so I don't know how her kids would have prohibited her from at least doing craft shows where plenty of other mothers with younger children congregate.

I do feel for her with the job market though. It can be intimidating, especially if you have been out and placed all your eggs in the basket of being a good wife and mother for a number of years. Certainly not impossible, but intimidating and I'm 20+ years younger then the ladies talking about this. At some point though, they have to keep their heads up and wits about them if they are to make a go of it.

[delilahmused]

So her husband has supported her all their married life, is still supporting 3 (soon to be 4) of their children, 3 of whom are adults, provided extra money for her to remodel her house (evidently she can build cabinets but is too ill to paint a pretty picture), but SHE's the adult in the relationship? Honestly, are these women not thankful for anything? She had and still has an option to work or not, her husband doesn't have that choice. Seriously, I thank God everyday for my husband. There were times in our marriage when he worked 2 jobs so I could be home with our boys. You'd think she'd be just slightly grateful for everything her husband has done for her family. And the only reason she's considering working things out is because she can't afford to live on her own and doesn't want to give up her house. Too bad her husband can't read her thread, selfish harpy skank.

Cindie

[Texacon]

So her husband has supported her all their married life, is still supporting 3 (soon to be 4) of their children, 3 of whom are adults, provided extra money for her to remodel her house (evidently she can build cabinets but is too ill to paint a pretty picture), but SHE's the adult in the relationship? Honestly, are these women not thankful for anything? She had and still has an option to work or not, her husband doesn't have that choice. Seriously, I thank God everyday for my husband. There were times in our marriage when he worked 2 jobs so I could be home with our boys. You'd think she'd be just slightly grateful for everything her husband has done for her family. And the only reason she's considering working things out is because she can't afford to live on her own and doesn't want to give up her house. Too bad her husband can't read her thread, selfish harpy skank.

Cindie

Outstanding.

KC

[Chris_]

Many patients diagnosed with fibromyalgia also have psychiatric disorders

[Tantal]

Trust me, nothing works when only one person tries to mend things.

A little respect, some good sex, and a hot meal will go a long way in trying to mend things. Ask me how I know.

[The Village Idiot]

mopinko  (1000+ posts)        Mon Aug-24-09 09:09 AM
Response to Reply #5
 
6. it's pretty much blown over. but, god, i hate being the grown-up.

She hates being a grown-up period.

[IassaFTots]

You'd think she'd be just slightly grateful for everything her husband has done for her family. And the only reason she's considering working things out is because she can't afford to live on her own and doesn't want to give up her house. Too bad her husband can't read her thread, selfish harpy skank.

Cindie

   I will be "borrowing" that descriptive.  Fits some people I know.

[jukin]

If I ever run across that husband, I'll buy him several beers.

[franksolich]

If I ever run across that husband, I'll buy him several beers.

Oh, I'm sure he needs them.

The mopinko primitive lives in an affluent area near Chicago, and even during the "lousy" Bush economy, her husband provided the means for her to have a brand-new front door installed, despite that there was nothing wrong with the old door.

Some lousy economy.

Then she bitched because the door-installers wanted honest pay for an honest day's work.

The trials and tribulations of the mopinko primitive's alimentary and intestinal disorders have been the subject of many bonfires on Skins's island; in fact, they're practically a legend.

The mopinko primitive always complains about her kids, as if she's wholly innocent in the matter.

I'd buy the guy a fifth of Scotch.

[Ralph Wiggum]

If I ever run across that husband, I'll buy him several beers.

If I recall correctly, she lives in Oak Park, Illinois, a hippy-ish suburb of Chicago.  I've run across her in the Illinois forum years ago.

[GOBUCKS]

I thought Doug's stupid ex-wife, the dumbest person on all the internets, would make a living off
her writing. Remember a few weeks ago she said she had been "validated as a writer and a thinker"
by the morons at the DUmp. Maybe she could get some pointers from DUmmy Mythsaje.

I guess it all went to hell when Doug tossed her unabridged dictionary into the fireplace.

Wonder if the "family" knows it's getting a long-term visit from this obnoxious moonbat...