http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=389x5882232Oh my.
The daughterless mother primitive:
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:47 PM
Original message
HELP ME>>>Remember that guy that was staying with us that we took to rehab
he started drinking again and yesterday about 5 he said he was going to walk to the taco place to get tacos and NOW at 2 pm the next day he is still not back
he was wasted when he left and he didn't take his phone or his cigarettes...
before when we took him to rehab, he had talked about killing himself.
I am WORRIED
what should I do
If he was picked up by the police, he will be in jail as he has traffic fines he never paid and there was a bench warrent out for him
If he was hit by a car, we are not his family...he only has a sister in a town 60 miles away that he hates...
what to do???????????/
barbtries (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:49 PM
Response to Original message
1. i'd call the jail
that's the most likely scenario. after that the hospitals, finally, file a missing persons report. good luck. please keep us posted.
supernova (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:50 PM
Response to Original message
2. call the cops and see about filing a report
missing person report.
He may have just fell down in a ditch and slept it off, or who knows? But it's better to get the police looking.
Is there any way you could drive the route to the taco place and see if you see him?
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:54 PM
Response to Reply #2
5. we did that last night--drove the route
hubby says if we call the cops, and he isn't in custody that will get him in custody
the whole mess is complicated beyond belief and I want him out of our home...
just not this way
The Joanne98 primitive:
Joanne98 (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:58 PM
Response to Reply #5
9. Call the jail from a telephone booth and give a false name.
That's probably where he is.
Fovea (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:03 PM
Response to Reply #5
12. If he is missing because he's injured or still on a bender and you don't file a missing person report, how are you going to feel about it later?
The baby-talking warped primitive:
Warpy (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:56 PM
Response to Reply #2
7. The police report is a good idea so if they find him down and out they'll know who to call. Mention he was talking about suicide.
As for going out and rescuing him, I'm afraid that's not how it works.
One strong suggestion I'd make is that you find an Al-Anon meeting in town and go. That's a self help group for families and friends of alcoholics and they can help you with what you can do and what you can't do and how to stay sane when an alcoholic is acting crazy and trying to suck you down.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease. I hope it works out for all of you, that this is only a slip and he gets back into recovery.
Joanne98 (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:54 PM
Response to Original message
3. Call the jail
The dysmenopausal Kansas school teacher primitive:
proud2BlibKansan (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:54 PM
Response to Original message
4. You can do an inmate search online
Look on the county jail site.
Wow. A lot of primitives sure seem to be experts on tracking down missing drunks, as if they've had some experience at it.
Doug's ex-wife:
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:55 PM
Response to Original message
6. Do you have to do anything? He's the one that wandered off, not you.
It's his drama. Isn't it?
dixiegrrrrl (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:02 PM
Response to Reply #6
11. Eferrari and Warpy are saying the same correct thing to do.
As a substance abuse counselor with 15 years under my belt, I also suggest thinkig about Al-Anon, which will provide exactly how to respond to a situation like this.
Hint: if you are spending more time worrying about the alcoholic's behavior than they are, something is wrong with the picture.
Tough love...it is hard. It is necessary.
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:13 PM
Response to Reply #11
15. It's funny because I don't really buy the co- model or the TL model but I HAVE spent too many days worrying about sh!t I can't do anything about.
I dunno. It seems like Doug's ex-wife can do something about the homeless in San Francisco, about whom she often expresses concern, taking a couple of them into her luxury condominium. It's a start.
katanalori (309 posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:56 PM
Response to Original message
8. When did he start drinking again?
Was he drinking BEFORE yesterday? Was he allowed to stay with you once he resumed his drinking? If YES, tougher love might be needed, so as not to enable. As for immediate problem - call police and see if they have him locked up - if not, he will "come home" just like a mangy kitty cat. I know: I was the mangy kitty cat.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 02:59 PM
Response to Reply #8
10. I discovered his drinking yesterday but hubby just told me that he suspected it last week
I know he is not my responsibility, but he is a friend and a human being. I don't want anything bad to happen to him
Dogtown (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 04:44 PM
Response to Reply #10
35. greenbriar, he's sick.
He'll use your sympathy. He can't help himself.
If the police lock him up, they'll put him in Detox until he's dried out. If it's a large jail facility he can attend meetings in jail.
You should heed the advice about AlAnon, they'll teach you the mechanics of how to deal with this guy.
msongs (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:05 PM
Response to Original message
13. call the cops then get on with your life. the counselor in the post above has it right
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:12 PM
Response to Reply #13
14. Hubby says he will call but wants to give him a couple more hours
?
I don't know what that will accomplish, but it is his best friend so I will leave it to him
it will have been 24 hours then
lunatica (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:17 PM
Response to Original message
16. Why are you afraid of him getting arrested
He'll have to sober up and clean up if he's in jail. It can't possibly hurt him to be accountable for his actions. There may be more to his story but how much time would he do for traffic fines? Perhaps you're protecting him too much. There comes a point where you're not helping him but instead enabling the destructive behavior.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:24 PM
Response to Reply #16
18. I don't know how long he will be in jail
but we don't want any repercussions on us because he is staying with us
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:32 PM
Response to Reply #18
20. greenbriar, what repercussions are you afraid of?
Unless he's driving one of your cars, whatever he does is his responsibility.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:35 PM
Response to Reply #20
21. I don't know...we don't know much about stuff like this
but can they try to make us pay for anything because he is staying with us?
he has no vehicle...he lost it
I don't even know if he has any identification on him as he lost his license
Wow. Doug's ex-wife drove her mother, her son, and her husband to drink.
That of course should be no surprise.
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:38 PM
Response to Reply #21
23. No. They can't make you pay for anything.
And I understand what you're going through. I went through it with my mom, my oldest son and my husband.
You sound really worried about him and you have every reason to be worried. Do what you reasonably can and then, save your sanity. Do something else. The better you hang onto to your self and your day, the more you actually help him -- even if it doesn't feel like it at first. My .02.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:44 PM
Response to Reply #23
28. thank you
I am going to let hubby take care of this and try not to worry
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:45 PM
Response to Reply #28
29. Sounds like a good plan to me.
Obamanaut (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:41 PM
Response to Reply #21
25. The next stray you decide to bring into your home, let it be a four legged one - take it to the vet for a bath, shots, spay/neuter. It will be less likely to disappoint you than a two legged drinking smoking humanoid. And, because they don't have opposable thumbs, less likely to set the house on fire.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:42 PM
Response to Reply #25
27. he is hubby's best friend...the best man at our wedding 20 years ago when he called for help, we couldn't deny him
but we want him out
but not this way
get the red out (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:20 PM
Response to Original message
17. He isn't your responsibility
If he is in jail, good, he will be alive in jail. You can't do anything if jails or hospitals won't give you info. But don't blame yourself, you cannot control a drinking alcoholic.
Obamanaut (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:30 PM
Response to Original message
19. Put his possessions in a sturdy plastic bag, tie the top securely, and place the bag by the curb.
If he has a key to the house, change the locks.
If you discover he is in jail before the trash collector picks up the plastic bag of possessions, you might take the bag to the jail - maybe they will store it for him.
One can only do so much for others who display reluctance to do for themselves.
Eventually you must cut him loose. That time has come.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:39 PM
Response to Reply #19
24. I agree...he has no key...he left that too
I am seriously starting to think he may have harmed himself
Pot calling kettle black:
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 04:00 PM
Response to Reply #24
33. If he's drinking, you know for a fact he's hurting himself.
He has disconnected his frontal lobes.
greenbriar (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:50 PM
Response to Original message
30. didn't find his name in the county jail search
EFerrari (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 03:57 PM
Response to Reply #30
32. Sometimes it takes a day or two to go up.
It's been so long (thank you, Universe) I forget who else you can call to get info that isn't posted yet. Maybe Booking? If you call the PD, they can tell you and believe me, they get these calls all the time.
prolesunited (1000+ posts) Fri Jun-19-09 04:06 PM
Response to Original message
34. I hate to say this, but there is nothing you can do
Your actions are irrelevant. And like others have said, going to jail or having a court order to attend AA will probably save his life. Or maybe it won't. But, it is his life and you have no control.
In fact, the more you do to help, the less likely he is to get better as strange as that sounds. He needs to hit bottom. He will either get better or die, but it's out of your hands.
The above's the whole bonfire, but I'm sure the drama's going to continue.
