A guy had just bought a brand new M3, intent on putting it to the test he'd taken it to the twistiest and most demanding country lanes he knew. He was burning through each bend at considerable speed, taking every corner like the car was on rails, the adrenalin was truly pumping, what a car!! Out of nowhere he has to swerve to avoid a head-on with a woman in some shit-heap, she's going way faster than the car can handle and holding on to the steering wheel for dear life through gritted teeth she screams at him "PIG!". He has the window down in a flash and hollers back at her at the top of his voice "CUUUUUUUUUNT". Around the next bend he crashes into a pig.
An Englishman wants to marry an Irish girl and is told he needs to become Irish before he can do so. It is a very simple operation where they remove 5% of your brain. Anyway the Englishman wakes up after the operation and the doctor comes up to him looking all worried and says "I'm terribly sorry, there's been a mistake to be sure, we accidentally removed 50% of your brain instead of 5%!" The Englishman sits up and simply says "She'll be right, mate!"
The West Australian Police are cracking down on speeders heading towards, and into the city of Perth. For the first offense, they give you two Dockers match tickets. If you get stopped a second time, they make you use them.
Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher. "Mohammed" answered the kid. "Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother. "My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce." "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion!? Shame on you!" and she beat him. Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.
The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked "What happened to you little Bruce?" "Well, Miss, two hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs!"
ACTUAL ENTRIES IN SOUTH AFRICAN HOSPITAL REGISTERS
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40kg weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so they give the two groups a test. The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We came back first, so we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the truck breaking down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labour.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss incredulously. "What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?" "YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!" "Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole in halfway!!"
