Prison Diary

[Chris]

Welcome To Prison: An Orange Jumpsuit and a Savage Beating

Greetings from Gravel Bay Maximum Security Penitentiary and welcome to the prison diary of Ram Venkatararam. I trust that the frisking you received on the way in was brief but pleasurable.

I have been sentenced to 25 years of incarceration so I anticipate we shall have ample time to get to know each other well.

Today was my inaugural day in the “big house” and frankly, I was somewhat disappointed…it’s dank, it’s gray and a little Airwick Harvest Spice wouldn’t go amiss.

Upon my arrival I was subject to a thorough “cavity search.” I had assumed that this was a dental screening program and was looking forward to receiving a governmentally-funded oral hygiene examination. You can imagine my surprise, therefore, to learn that “cavity search” is really just a polite term for a very invasive rectal exam.

On the positive side, the practitioners of the aforementioned procedure were successful in locating a set of house keys I had lost back in 1989. While I shall have no use for them in the immediate future, I did appreciate them putting that nagging loss to rest.

After a rather public shower, I was provided with an ill-fitting but stylish orange jump suit. Orange is a good color on me but I did ask if they had something with a zipper as my fingers are rather pudgy and I struggle with buttons.

(It was at this juncture that I learned an important lesson on prison life. Guards, though undoubtedly dedicated to their work, appear to be under considerable stress and inclined to administer savage beatings when questioned on matters that they deem to fall into the category of “smart ass remark.”)

After dodging truncheons, I was escorted to my room. Regrettably, my cellmate, Mad Dog, was not there to greet me. I am advised that he is currently residing in solitary confinement due to a “yard shanking.” I believe this may be a golf term but shall inquire further when we meet.

He is scheduled to return in a matter of days but in the interim I have taken the liberty of moving his belongings to the upper bunk. I suffer from vertigo and do not believe I could tolerate sleeping 5 feet above floor level.

I trust that we will become fast friends but am aware that prison relationships are perilous and predicated on the establishment of dominant behavior. As such, I have urinated on his pillow.

I think that should send a sufficient message that Ram Venakataram is not to be trifled with.

In my next post, I shall detail the circumstances surrounding my arrest and conviction but, in the meantime, need to speak to someone about arranging for additional blankets.

Yours in-carceration, Ram

http://foodhere.wordpress.com/

[seabelle]

LOL....I saw that at cranky old guy's blogroll, this cracked me up....his grievance list to the prison...

My list to date:

1. While the prison is well laid out, I find that I am required to do an inordinate amount of walking and climbing of stairs. As the prison appears to have an aging population, I would suggest the installation of escalators and “moving sidewalks.” I think that prisoners would be happier and less inclined toward pushing and shoving. And, surely, we inmates already get sufficient exercise pumping iron and fighting amongst ourselves.

2. I think that all cells would benefit from the installation of bay windows. Cells are excessively dark. Installing bay windows and increasing the amount of natural light will give the more studious amongst us a pleasant nook in which to curl up with a novel and cup of warm tea. Some plants and drapery wouldn’t go amiss either.

3. Beatings by guards are random and often unprovoked. To me, this is demonstrates a serious lack of planning and co-ordination. If prisoners must be beaten (and I suspect we must) I think it would make sense to schedule the beatings. If, for instance, I knew that my beating was to occur on Tuesday at noon, I would clear my calendar and consider forgoing a heavy breakfast.

4. I would suggest that more white people be imprisoned.

5. I realize that the prison is operating under a tight budget and cannot afford many of the basic necessities. While state funds may be limited, I would suggest that a fundraising opportunity exists through the sale of “get out of jail free” raffle tickets to prisoners.

more...

[RobJohnson]

4. I would suggest that more white people be imprisoned.