And now for some REAL DEEP thoughts...by Jack Handy:
"Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition." (For DUchebags)
"As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way."
"Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling."
"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."
"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
"I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!"
"I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."
"I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people."
"I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend."
"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."
"I'd rather be rich than stupid."
"If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness."
"It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man."
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late."
Finally,
"I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
