SWINE FLU COMES TO AMERICA

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A member of the US Congress goes about mowing his yard after being mutated by the Swine Flu.

WASHINGTON, DC - The Swine Flu epidemic has reached the United States.  This new mutated strand of influenza starts as a normal flu, then turns people into pigs.

The world is in the grip of fear over an outbreak of a new Swine Flu.  A previous strain affected pigs by making them grow enormous and vicious.  This flu has since mutated, mixing with human and avian viruses, to create a new and more dangerous Swine Flu.  This flu begins with typical  symptoms, such as sneezing fever and lethargy, but soon makes humans grow larger and more angry.  Then, by the first full moon, sufferers turn into mutated pigs!

The Center for Disease Control is looking to contain the outbreak and pictures of its effects. “The biggest threat right now is panic,” said CDC spokesman Thomas Belding.  “With proper care, the mutated Swine Flu is treatable.”

Cases of flu-produced werepigs have been confirmed in Canada, Mexico, New Zealand, Spain, and the United States.  So far 20 cases have been reported total in the US.

Eight New York City school children have been infected.  The first symptoms were noticed when the children ate their lunch by diving face first into their plates.  This tipped off school officials who reported the children to the CDC.  The children were apprehended by government agents at recess, lured into black vans by repeated calls of “Souuuuiiiee, Souuuuiiiieee!!”

Theories suggest that the mutational capacity of this virus may have originated as a government project.  Some sources believe that a virus designed to rewrite DNA to create super soldiers was accidentally released and then mixed with other existing influenza viruses; however there is currently no evidence to support such a claim.

Weekly World News

[Happy Fun Ball]

In related news, a newly discovered form of influenza: the Bruin Flu, has also reached the United States. This particular strain turns people into mutated bears. If someone who is already infected with Swine Flu is also infected with Bruin Flu, he will turn into half man, half pig, and half bear (or a half bear and half man-pig).

Former vice-president Al Gore is expected to hold a press conference later today.