« previous next »
Pages: [1]   Go Down

Author Topic: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions  (Read 2477 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline asdf2231

  • would like to cordially invite you to the pants party!
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 6562
  • Reputation: +556/-162
  • VRWC Arts And Crafts Director
Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« on: April 12, 2009, 01:09:12 PM »
Quote
http://www.muckflash.com/?p=331

Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
April 10th, 2009 · No Comments
Memphis, TN -10 April 2009- Local and state health officials converged on a food processing plant just outside of Memphis after a sudden outbreak of serious gastric ruptures was linked to ‘Hungry Man’ TV dinners manufactured at the site. The infections, caused by a rare from of bacteria that produces gases forceful enough to damage internal tissues and organs, have affected nearly 200 people and caused a massive recall of nearly all frozen foods in the area. Bob Darian, a spokesman for the Tennessee Department of Health said that the operation was the largest in nearly two decades and characterized the outbreak as “critical.”

 
Victims first started noticing flu-like symptoms late Tuesday after consuming a variety of ‘Hungry Man’ TV dinners. After several hours, however, scores of sickened consumers began to flood emergency rooms with severe cramps, bloody discharge and crippling abdominal pain. While the contamination hasn’t yet claimed any lives, several victims have been treated for serious internal injuries, including ruptured colons, distended bowels and extreme dehydration.

“While rare, certain kinds of bacteria common to industrial settings have been known to infiltrate a food supply and spread rapidly,” said Darian. “In less serious cases an affected person might not even notice, but mutated strains have become virulent enough to react with the body’s own naturally occurring bacteria to produce gas that is powerful enough to cause physical damage,” he said. Darian urged anybody who thinks they may be infected to seek medical attention immediately.

Maybe this has some military application?
Logged




Build a man a fire and he will be warm for awhile.
Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life...

Offline thundley4

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 40571
  • Reputation: +2224/-127
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2009, 01:22:45 PM »
This brings a whole new meaning to "blow it out your ass".  :evillaugh:
Logged

Offline Chris

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1476
  • Reputation: +522/-16
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2009, 01:31:44 PM »
I hope Mr Mann is okay  :lmao:
Logged
This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.

Offline Eupher

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 24894
  • Reputation: +2835/-1828
  • U.S. Army, Retired
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2009, 01:34:33 PM »
News of the weird?

Yep, you bet:

Quote
Marian Folton, a local resident who was stricken a few hours after eating two trays of ‘Hungry Man’ fried chicken, said that the force of her condition was enough to tear fabric and flesh. “I wish I could explain it differently, but I have never experienced power like that from…well from down there,” she said. “I thought it was just a simple case of food poisoning, but things kept getting worse.”

Folton waited to go to the hospital until, after being struck by what she could only characterize as a “thunderclap,” she looked down to discover that the seat of her pants was in shreds. “About that time I also saw a little bit of blood, and that even my couch was tore up. That’s when I decided to go,” Folton recalled.

We're being attacked by atomic farts!

 :rotf: :lmao:
Logged
Adams E2 Euphonium, built in 2017
Boosey & Co. Imperial Euphonium, built in 1941
Edwards B454 bass trombone, built 2012
Bach Stradivarius 42OG tenor trombone, built 1992
Kanstul 33-T BBb tuba, built 2011
Fender Precision Bass Guitar, built ?
Mouthpiece data provided on request.

Offline Chris

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1476
  • Reputation: +522/-16
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2009, 01:51:15 PM »
TWO trays?!  :rotf:
Logged
This post is disruptive, hurtful, rude, insensitive, over-the-top, or otherwise inappropriate.

Offline Mr Mannn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 14885
  • Reputation: +2648/-276
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2009, 02:16:07 PM »
Quote from: Chris on April 12, 2009, 01:31:44 PM
I hope Mr Mann is okay  :lmao:
I was raised on Mexican food. Rectal explosions are a right of passage. Innards of steel and all that.
 :fuelfire: Mr Mannn still plans on eating his Hungry Mannn TV dinner tonight.
Logged

Offline Zathras

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3462
  • Reputation: +487/-71
  • This is the way.
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2009, 02:31:42 PM »
Quote from: Eupher
We're being attacked by atomic farts!

 :rotf: :lmao:



"Son, next time grandpa asks you to pull his finger, just say no!!!!"
Logged
Solve a man's problem with violence and help him for a day. Teach a man how to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime - Belkar Bitterleaf

If racist dog whistles are meant to be only heard by racists, then it is quite interesting how progressives seem to be the only people who can hear them. - Leonydus Johnson

What makes a good soldier? The ability to fire 3 rounds a minute in any weather. - Major Richard Sharpe

Offline RobJohnson

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8876
  • Reputation: +333/-109
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2009, 12:19:22 AM »
Quote from: asdf2231 on April 12, 2009, 01:09:12 PM
Maybe this has some military application?


You gotta be shitting me.
Logged

Offline jinxmchue

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3841
  • Reputation: +114/-26
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2009, 07:21:11 AM »
Logged

Offline DixieBelle

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12143
  • Reputation: +512/-49
  • Still looking for my pony.....
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2009, 07:31:18 AM »
:rofl: only in my hometown....the only thing missing is a woman in curlers smoking a Pall Mall talking about "the big one that blew aunt sally away".
Logged
I can see November 2 from my house!!!

Spread my work ethic, not my wealth.

Forget change, bring back common sense.
-------------------------------------------------

No, my friends, there’s only one really progressive idea. And that is the idea of legally limiting the power of the government. That one genuinely liberal, genuinely progressive idea — the Why in 1776, the How in 1787 — is what needs to be conserved. We need to conserve that fundamentally liberal idea. That is why we are conservatives. --Bill Whittle

Offline jtyangel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9116
  • Reputation: +497/-110
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2009, 07:39:44 AM »
Quote from: Eupher on April 12, 2009, 01:34:33 PM
News of the weird?

Yep, you bet:

We're being attacked by atomic farts!

 :rotf: :lmao:

Of all the ribbing family about torn pants and damaging furniture, it no longer is a joke. Wow!
Logged

Offline Toastedturningtidelegs

  • Holy Crap! Look at my
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3759
  • Reputation: +218/-69
  • OBAMA PHONE!
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2009, 09:00:51 AM »
Quote
Quote
Marian Folton, a local resident who was stricken a few hours after eating two trays of ‘Hungry Man’ fried chicken, said that the force of her condition was enough to tear fabric and flesh. “I wish I could explain it differently, but I have never experienced power like that from…well from down there,” she said. “I thought it was just a simple case of food poisoning, but things kept getting worse.”

Folton waited to go to the hospital until, after being struck by what she could only characterize as a “thunderclap,” she looked down to discover that the seat of her pants was in shreds. “About that time I also saw a little bit of blood, and that even my couch was tore up. That’s when I decided to go,” Folton recalled.
Holy shit! She's like a human IED! :-)
Logged
Call me "Asshole" One more time!

Offline The Village Idiot

  • Banned
  • Probationary (Probie)
  • Posts: 54
  • Reputation: +96/-15
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2009, 07:58:18 PM »
Bloody Rectum Debris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Logged

Offline Chris_

  • Little Lebowski Urban Achiever
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 46845
  • Reputation: +2028/-266
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2009, 09:43:32 PM »
Can't blame those on the dog either.   :rotf:
Logged
If you want to worship an orange pile of garbage with a reckless disregard for everything, get on down to Arbys & try our loaded curly fries.

Offline Zathras

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3462
  • Reputation: +487/-71
  • This is the way.
Re: Food Impurity Causes Rectal Explosions
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2009, 01:00:53 AM »
Quote from: lug-nut on April 13, 2009, 09:43:32 PM
Can't blame those on the dog either.   :rotf:

Or the rare North American Barking Spider.  :-)
Logged
Solve a man's problem with violence and help him for a day. Teach a man how to solve his problems with violence, help him for a lifetime - Belkar Bitterleaf

If racist dog whistles are meant to be only heard by racists, then it is quite interesting how progressives seem to be the only people who can hear them. - Leonydus Johnson

What makes a good soldier? The ability to fire 3 rounds a minute in any weather. - Major Richard Sharpe
Pages: [1]   Go Up
« previous next »