(caution: parody ahead)
Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides
new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No
Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President Obama
shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major
victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack
any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess
the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful
role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime
AWNAA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no
longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be
ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers
will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small
group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or
have some idea of what they are doing", said Obama.
President Obama pointed to the success of the US
Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of
providing opportunity without regard to performance.
Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job
skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of
Persons of Inability.
Private sector industries with good records of
nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales
(72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement
"warehouse" stores (65%)
President Obama has also set an example, personally
selecting hundreds of Nonabled people for top government
positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than
25 million "middle man" positions will be created,
with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose
and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions
will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the
most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides
substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a
significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions,
and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that
agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented
hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make
it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled,
banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do
you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you
have any skills or experience which relate to this
job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to
keep up with people who have something going for
them"" said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position
as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her
lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really
help people like me." With the passage of this bill,
Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally
see a light at the end of the tunnel.
