http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=301x531This bonfire's nine months old, but now there's some primitives inquiring what happened between then, and now:
CANDO (962 posts) Thu Jul-31-08 04:54 PM
Original message
Wife playing with fire.... need feedback from similar experiences
Wife joined classmates.com Got in touch with a few classmates. Nothing to worry about on my part. Noticed more email exchanges from a gentleman including photos. At this point I began to be concerned and talked to my wife about it. Told her this leads to trouble for people. Gets out of hand easily. She assured me it was just a friendship from school days, no interest beyond exchanging life story type stuff.
But then she seemed to resent my concern and insisted on her privacy. I said this is not good. Although I'm not my wife's minder and don't need to be in her business, she is putting me in a position of insecurity and suspicion. I stood my ground and insisted she say goodbye and end this before it starts. She agreed but let me know he's married but going through a tough divorce and his mother is ill and she was just showing some compassionate support to him. She relented and showed me her last email to him promising she'd never consider disrespecting her family or her husband.
I'm relieved he's in another state. That was all in March. Couple months go by and I discover she'd created a yahoo email account. She wanted her privacy indeed. I know something doesn't feel right. I'm starting to try and find information and just generally have my sensory perceptions on high alert. July comes and now just two days ago I discover extensive texting going on between them. I'm devastated and destroyed. She insists it's only in support of him dealing with his mother's health issues. She cries and says she did me wrong, and I say I can't trust her now. What gives? Anyone go through this before?
Women in particular who are willing to share with me their experience.
Oh dear.
No good can possibly come of this.
Alas! the poor candid primitive!
hogwyld (1000+ posts) Fri Aug-01-08 05:37 PM
Response to Original message
1. I know your pain
The way I eliminated any doubts was to put spyware on the computer.
Unfortunately, I found out the ugly truth of it all, but it's better than not knowing. I wish you luck, and hope that everything works out for you.
villager (1000+ posts) Sat Aug-02-08 02:45 AM
Response to Original message
2. Unfortunately, these were the same steps/lies my Ex went through when fomenting her affair...with a Toyota salesman she'd met. (!)
The friendly "after the sale" email exchanges.
The lies about the extent of the exchanges.
The creating a private email account (we'd shared one, before that), etc.
Of course, this asshole lived a couple neighborhoods away.
Oh, and poor wounded Car Boy, who only wanted a sympathetic shoulder to cry on (and to get his dick wet, as it turned out) as going through a separation at the time, had been wounded by an abusive father, boo hoo hoo, etc.
Hopefully your wife isn't as relentlessly self-absorbed as my Ex is...
CANDO (962 posts) Sat Aug-02-08 11:46 AM
Response to Reply #2
3. So far, so good.
Seems to be truly remorseful and knew she was doing something that was not right. Says she never felt like an emotional attachment was there. I told her we have work to do for me to get over the betrayal and deception. Transparency is always the best policy with this classmates sort of stuff. Hardware key logger is coming. The doubt in my thoughts may become my worst nightmare or it may just turn out to be as she said. We shall see. Cautiously optimistic. Thank you for the info and words of support.
mrgorth (1000+ posts) Thu Aug-07-08 08:51 AM
Response to Original message
5. You may as well go out and get a private dic. It's the only way you'll know.
CANDO (962 posts) Sun Aug-10-08 09:35 PM
Response to Reply #5
6. Things going good
I have the key logger in place and so far all is well. I know she doesn't have internet at her workplace, so this should be the only puter she could have contact through. We've had long heartfelt conversations and I think this wasn't very far along. She says it really shook her up that she would allow this to threaten our marriage. We are doing well and hopefully this doesn't happen again. I will certainly remain on full alert for some time to come.
The Doctor. (1000+ posts) Wed Feb-04-09 06:37 AM
Response to Original message
8. Similar stuff here... on both ends.
Be careful... too much paranoia can spin things out of control. If she feels resented and alienated, it makes it that much easier to grow apart from you. Don't tell her you don't trust her, tell her it's just hard to with all the sneaky business because it sends the signal that she's hiding something.
Tell her you're really in love with her (if indeed you are), and you want to understand her needs and fulfill them. Then, if you really want to put it to the test, ask her if there's really nothing going on. When she says there's nothing... and only do this if you're willing to lay everything on the line... say, "I believe you, but I'll never worry again if you would give me your email password and let me see for myself. I promise, no matter what I find, I won't get upset."
Those moments create serious turning points. I've had to engineer several while trying to save my marriage from the foolishness of a spouse that turned out to be a shallow child in the end.
From there, a number of things can happen;
1) The one you hope for the most; she gives you the password, you log in, and you decide, knowing her better than I, whether just giving you the password was enough of a show of good faith to log out, say 'thank you, you can change it now', and leave her seeing you in a better light, or you read their correspondence and find;
a) She told you the truth, you apologize upside down and sideways and tell her how proud of her and ashamed of your paranoia you are and ask her (while kissing her a bunch) how you can ever make it up to her.
b) She has been lying, but she had the courage to give you access to the truth and place judgment in your hands. Do not judge someone like this too harshly... there really is hope there.
2) She refuses. You ask her if she loves her marriage as much as you do, and if not, why not? Tell her you want the two of you to be more for each-other, and if you can't be a part of her life and meaningful interactions, then it's hard to feel close to her. But also tell her that if this is something she needs, that you'll wait until it's over because you swore you'd love her forever... even if she doesn't go to you for all her needs.
That last might be a vicious guilt-trip, but it keeps the door open and, if she's at all introspective, it should be enough to get her to really think about what she's doing.
Affairs don't kill marriages, how people react to them does.
The Doctor. (1000+ posts) Wed Feb-04-09 06:48 AM
Response to Reply #8
9. Of course, looking at the timing of this, I'm sure much has transpired.
Yeah. One wonders where things are at, now.
