I need help with a translation into man talk.

[mamacags]

How do you translate "Honey, we are broke until tomorrow.  Don't spend any money or checks will bounce." into something a man would understand?  For some reason when I say something like that it must come out "Honey please take all of your associates out to eat at the expensive new restaurant!  I  don't mind because we are RICH, RICH, RICH!!!!"  I am really confused by the linguistics involved.

[thundley4]

Don't blame us guys for the fact that women are complicated. 
What Women say and what they mean:
Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

[DumbAss Tanker]

How do you translate "Honey, we are broke until tomorrow.  Don't spend any money or checks will bounce." into something a man would understand?  For some reason when I say something like that it must come out "Honey please take all of your associates out to eat at the expensive new restaurant!  I  don't mind because we are RICH, RICH, RICH!!!!"  I am really confused by the linguistics involved.

Print out some blank Chapter 7 bankruptcy forms and ask him to sign them, noting that you'll fill in the important stuff tonight...?

[Chris_]

Easy translation Mama:

Spend a dime and you will have no sex for a month.  Comprende?

[debk]

Easy translation Mama:

Spend a dime and you will have no sex for a month.  Comprende?

I'll have to add that phrase next time he isn't paying attention to what I am saying.....

H5, BC!

[Lord Undies]

I don't know.  At my house, the situation is reversed.  I say it - she gets around it.  My wife knows we aren't "broke", so she will either charge or use a different "pocket".  My goal is to preserve and not overspend.

[Eupher]

Mama, try this next time:

1.  Get his gun. Any gun will do.
2.  Load the firearm (if it isn't already).
3.  Remove the remote from his hand and tell him that if he doesn't come with you THAT INSTANT, you'll put a bullet through the TV. And mean it.
4.  Secure the checkbook - the one that's full of checks (but no money in the account).
5.  Load hubby up into the car.
6.  Ensure you have the checkbook and the firearm (make sure he sees both).
7.  Drive out to the country where it's legal to discharge a firearm.
8.  Prepare a target area. Make sure the background is clear and there aren't any kids or dogs running around.
9.  Set up the checkbook as a target.
10. Have hubby don hearing protection. You too. But not before you say these words:
11. "Honey, this checkbook represents how much money we don't have at the moment."
12. Blast away, emptying the firearm at the checkbook.
13.  Lock and clear all weapons.
14.  Secure the shredded remains of the checkbook and hand it to him. Then say these words:
15.  "It's a good thing that your brain isn't as empty as our checking account. Otherwise, you'd be a corpse."
16.  Get back in the vehicle and drive home.  Uh...take him with you.

That is all.

 

[MrsSmith]

How do you translate "Honey, we are broke until tomorrow.  Don't spend any money or checks will bounce." into something a man would understand?  For some reason when I say something like that it must come out "Honey please take all of your associates out to eat at the expensive new restaurant!  I  don't mind because we are RICH, RICH, RICH!!!!"  I am really confused by the linguistics involved.

Hmmm...I don't know.  We split up our accounts, and his ex-wife got the courts to take all the money out of his.  That's the only thing that worked for me.

[Tess]

This is why my husband has ONE card that is tied to ONE of his business accounts and he has no check book.  at all.

And, oddly enough his sex life is pretty full.   

[Chris_]

I have the best solution. Live alone.
It works for me and is less complicated.
I never have to worry about anyone else using my account.

[debk]

I have the best solution. Live alone.
It works for me and is less complicated.
I never have to worry about anyone else using my account.

Or live with someone and have separate accounts!

We each have separate checking/credit card accounts....and my cash is mine....his cash - since he always has cash and I don't... is also mine.... .....Honnnnnneeeeee, do you have any cash?   :innocent:

[Chris_]

Or live with someone and have separate accounts!

We each have separate checking/credit card accounts....and my cash is mine....his cash - since he always has cash and I don't... is also mine.... :-).....Honnnnnneeeeee, do you have any cash?   :innocent:

Huh?

That isn't a marriage -- it is an LLC.

My wife and I share everything completely.  We make small decisions individually and large decisions together.  She keeps track of the household budget and expenditures and I trust her explicitly and implicitly.

But she keeps ledger sheets and at any given moment I can see exactly where we are in terms of income and expenditures by looking at them.

I can't imagine a marriage's finances being handled otherwise.

[DumbAss Tanker]

Huh?

That isn't a marriage -- it is an LLC.

My wife and I share everything completely.  We make small decisions individually and large decisions together.  She keeps track of the household budget and expenditures and I trust her explicitly and implicitly.

But she keeps ledger sheets and at any given moment I can see exactly where we are in terms of income and expenditures by looking at them.

I can't imagine a marriage's finances being handled otherwise.

That would drive my wife (or me, for that matter) nuts, and worse, she would screw it up in a New York minute.  We keep separate checking accounts, though both are technically joint accounts.  She draws a set allowance from mine every pay period, which I routinely deduct; anything else requires advance clearance; I do not write checks on hers for any reason.  My military and civilian paychecks go into mine, her smaller and much-more irregular paycheck goes into hers.  It's a damned sight easier than constantly coordinating a ledger on a single account. 

[Chris_]

That would drive my wife (or me, for that matter) nuts, and worse, she would screw it up in a New York minute.  We keep separate checking accounts, though both are technically joint accounts.  She draws a set allowance from mine every pay period, which I routinely deduct; anything else requires advance clearance; I do not write checks on hers for any reason.  My military and civilian paychecks go into mine, her smaller and much-more irregular paycheck goes into hers.  It's a damned sight easier than constantly coordinating a ledger on a single account. 

So you live apart and deal financially as separate entities?  How do you pay joint bills?

That doesn't make any sense.

[Eupher]

Mrs. E and I each have our own checking accounts. And we have a joint account. Each of us can access the joint account and our individual accounts.

Our savings account is joint.

I handle the finances because, like in DAT's case, Mrs. E tends to screw that up.

But big expenses we discussed and agreed on jointly.

A little more complicated, however, is how we divvy up the expenses. Her income is much less than mine, so we officially have a spreadsheet which calculates the percentage of our bills from our takehome income. That percentage is applied to our individual incomes for a calculation as to what our individual "responsibilities" are. The rest is discretionary and/or saved on an individual basis.

The only problem with that is, she's supposed to track that stuff. And doesn't! 

[debk]

Huh?

That isn't a marriage -- it is an LLC.

I'm not married....

[Lord Undies]

Mrs. E and I each have our own checking accounts. And we have a joint account. Each of us can access the joint account and our individual accounts.

Our savings account is joint.

I handle the finances because, like in DAT's case, Mrs. E tends to screw that up.

But big expenses we discussed and agreed on jointly.

A little more complicated, however, is how we divvy up the expenses. Her income is much less than mine, so we officially have a spreadsheet which calculates the percentage of our bills from our takehome income. That percentage is applied to our individual incomes for a calculation as to what our individual "responsibilities" are. The rest is discretionary and/or saved on an individual basis.

The only problem with that is, she's supposed to track that stuff. And doesn't! 

Offer to sell her shares in the marriage at a starting face value.  Put the proceeds from the sale of stock in a separate investment account and then pay her an annual dividend while slowing increasing the stock value.  Then have sex.

[DumbAss Tanker]

So you live apart and deal financially as separate entities?  How do you pay joint bills?

That doesn't make any sense.

You both sign each check?  Your words make no sense.  I pay the household bills, if that's what you mean by 'Joint debt.'  Why would you think people would live apart just because they arrange their finances so it doesn't require a meeting of the Committee of the Whole to write a check for an unprogrammed purchase?  I see your arrangement as inefficient and aimed at squishy feelings more than economic flexibility. 

[JohnnyReb]

How do you translate "Honey, we are broke until tomorrow.  Don't spend any money or checks will bounce." into something a man would understand? 

First

GET NAKED

Now that you have his attention, tell him, "See this. Spend one more dime between now and ___________ (insert time) and you'll never see it again."

[Defiant1]

How do you translate "Honey, we are broke until tomorrow.  Don't spend any money or checks will bounce." into something a man would understand?  For some reason when I say something like that it must come out "Honey please take all of your associates out to eat at the expensive new restaurant!  I  don't mind because we are RICH, RICH, RICH!!!!"  I am really confused by the linguistics involved.

Maybe if you didn't talk in woman code he would understand.

If you are only broke until tomorrow he's only spending money that counts for tomorrow.

[Chris_]

Waddya mean we're broke?  I still got checks!   

[jinxmchue]

How do you translate "Honey, we are broke until tomorrow.  Don't spend any money or checks will bounce." into something a man would understand?

Simple.  Throw on your sluttiest undies, wrap your arms around him and say, "I want you SOOOOOO BAD!!!  Let's boff like monkeys all night!"

[crockspot]

I have the best solution. Live alone.
It works for me and is less complicated.
I never have to worry about anyone else using my account.

DING! DING! DING!

[MrsSmith]

Huh?

That isn't a marriage -- it is an LLC.

My wife and I share everything completely.  We make small decisions individually and large decisions together.  She keeps track of the household budget and expenditures and I trust her explicitly and implicitly.

But she keeps ledger sheets and at any given moment I can see exactly where we are in terms of income and expenditures by looking at them.

I can't imagine a marriage's finances being handled otherwise.

Well, Mr Smith and I handle it separately.  It's the only way it works for us.  We tried a joint account for several years, but he just totally checked out of financial accountability and I was responsible for the whole thing.  That would have worked to some degree, if he paid just enough attention to know when we had money, but his theory was that debit cards don't have a limit.  The final straw was when he charged a $350 plane ticket on a $24 balance, 2 days before the next paycheck. 

We actually have 2 joint accounts that we use, one is his, and one is mine.  Then we have a third account, at a different bank, for savings.

Every month, we update an Excel file with all the payments, and who pays what.  It actually works quite nicely, we print it off and write all the pertinant info on it (actual payment amount, transaction numbers, etc.)  We try to end up with each of us having about the same discretionary income after bills. 

When we pooled everything, we ran out of money a couple days after we got paid all the time.  Now, weirdly enough, I sometimes have enough extra left that I transfer it into the savings account.  Even though we're actually paying out about $400-500 a month more than when we pooled it all...thanks to the ex's law suit.   :clueless:

[Chris_]

I'm not married....

Then I am confused...