Just in case anyone was curious:
1. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Every 2 hours after you go to sleep, have someone whip open the curtain, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack", or "Sign this!"
2. Don't eat any food that you don't get out of a can or have to add water to.
3. Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Hang out in such areas as dark theaters, windowless buildings, closets, etc.
4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the shower head down to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while soaping. Squeegee and wipe down the stall when done.
5. Repeat back everything anyone says to you. Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
6. Sit in front of your TV set, with the antenna disconnected and watch for 6 hours. Report any unusual static patterns.
7. Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to "High".
8. Don't watch T.V. Instead setup a 16mm projector and only watch movies that you don't like.
9. Don't do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
10. Announce "Commence Snorkling! Setup your lawnmower in your living room and run for at least 1 hour. Periodically hold your nose and mouth shut and try to blow out your eardrums.
11. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
12. Get a clipboard, paper, and leaky black ink pen, then take hourly readings on your electric and gas meters.
13. Sleep with your dirty laundry at your feet.
14. Invite guests, but don't have enough food for them.
15. Get some broken exercise equipment and mount it to the floor in your kitchen.
16. Store up all garbage for a week in your bathtub. Compact and dispose of once a week.
17. Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional: Breakout a #10 can of ravioli or cold soup)
18. Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
19. Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off : Announce 'fire in the garage!' Jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can. Run into your garage and break out the garden hose. Since there really wasn't a fire and everyone is up anyway have the kids clean the house.
20. Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together (just in case they were about to break).
21. Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking.
22. Invite at least 85 people you don't really like to come and visit for a couple of months.
23. Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then cook a dozen each morning.
24. Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
25. Check your refrigerator compressor for "sound shorts".
26. Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
27. Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
28. When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
29. Every so often, yell "Emergency Deep!" or "Torpedo in the Water!", run into the kitchen, sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor.
30. Put on the headphones from your stereo (don't plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and ready". Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) "Stove Secured". Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
31. Make the kids learn the location and operation of every light switch, outlet, circuit breaker, valve, appliance, fire extinguisher etc.. Don't let them watch any TV/movies until they can recite same from memory.
32. After 60 days or so; go load up the family in a taxi, go out to the worst part of town (preferably where English is a second language), and have dinner at the most run down bar or restaurant available.
33. Every few years cut a hole in your roof, hire a some workers to remove all furniture, appliances, electrial wiring, pipes etc. to a storage warehouse. Go live in the neighbors garage for a year or so then put it all back.
34. Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
35. Spend 3 or 4 hours waxing your floors to perfection. Then, just before they dry, invite the whole neighborhood over to walk across them. Then do it again.
36. Stand on your roof once every four days for six hours in the winter and don't let anyone in your house.
37. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
38. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
39. Post the Uniform Code of Military Justice on the wall across from your toilet. Highlight the parts that begin: "penetration however slight..."
40. Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
41. Install a multi-channel entertainment system over your bed that doesn't work.
42. Hookup your air compressor to the sewer line to the house and blow a shit geyser ten feet in the air. Come in side and tell you wife "calmly" I forgot to shut the valve and have her clean it up.
43. Start every story with "This is no-shit".
And a few additions from me:
--Have your mother in law read the newspaper to you every morning in your front yard at 6:45 am.
--Use only food stamped, "Rejected for institutional use" or "Rejected by US Air Force".
--Every three months, load more food. Ensure as much of it is canned or freeze-dried as possible. Do not put the oldest stuff on top.
--Turn off the main breaker to your house, then run around yelling, "REACTOR SCRAM! Rig house for reduced electrical!" Then yell at your wife for not turning off the coffee pot even though it was already off.
--Do laundry only between 2 and 6 am on Sunday, and only when you should be sleeping. Since you don't have enough time to do two loads, do everything all at once to ensure everything bleeds into the same color.
--Do not refer to them as your children. Refer to them as dinks, non-quals, or nubs.
--Write arcane and convoluted work packages to document completion or performance of even the simplest of tasks. Ensure multiple signatures required.
--Pick one movie to watch constantly for a six-month period so that everyone knows every word of dialogue by memory within the first month; i.e., Army of Darkness or some other POS flick you'd never pay to see.
--Entice your kids to a "pressure test" to see which one can take the most turns in the vise. Tell them the winner gets to stay out late Friday night, then renege on the promise.
--Have someone bitch at you every day for no particular reason.
--Hold training or "GMT" (aka, Gross Misuse of Time) on subjects of absolutely no concern to you, again at times when you should be sleeping.
--Every few months, have several groups of neighbors come over to your house and "inspect" various parts of it, along with the documentation. Neighbors can "take away the keys" if you did not perform to their expectations, even though you have no idea what they are.
--Ensure that if you live in cold climates, do not use heat and only have a paper-thin blanket.
--For every job you do, have someone standing over your shoulder criticizing your work, even though they're entirely incapable of doing it themselves.
--Yell, "Man Overboard!" and throw the cat in the pool.
