Tips For Clueless People Who Get MuggedSo you've just moved into a new "gentrifying" neighboorhood that's full of urban culture, cheap(er) rents, and wonderful friendly people. An odd lack of organic food stores and greenmarkets, but you can't have everything. So one day you're doing something ****ING RETARDED like walking back from the store alone at 1 am or walking home from the subway while texting your sorority sisters back in the ****ing midwest or something while SIMULTANEOUSLY listening to an ipod with the bright white headphones and you get ****ing mugged. Congrats, YOU'RE A ****ING DUMBASS. No, it's not 1990, when men were men, crackheads would ****ing cut you and the robbery rate was about a billion times higher than it is now, but it's still new york and you were still ****ing dumb enough to think that paying $1200 for a studio in a shitty neighboorhood is somehow hipper than moving to ****ing Queens.
Anyway, here's some helpful tips for the next time someone jacks your shit.
1) Pay attention. Granted, you weren't paying attention to start with or you wouldn't have gotten mugged, but now that you've been hit from behind / had a gun shoved in your face, pay attention.
2) Follow directions. Give the friendly mugger what he wants. Don't talk back or fight. In all likelyhood, you're a ***** hipster retard, and are, by NYC law, unarmed.
3) You've been paying attention right? Remember some simple things in this order: sex, clothing color, clothing type, headwear, and direction of flight.
4) Congratulations! You've just been robbed and you're still alive. What now? Well, don't go back to your apartment and call the cops thirty minutes later. Don't call your mom in Kansas and tell her first. CALL THE COPS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. You'd be amazed at how many people **** up this simple step. Pay phones still exist as do 24/7 bogies. Go there, call the cops.
5) It may take a while for the cops to show up. The 911 system, at best, will result in a five minute wait before we're even notified. Then we have to drive there without killing anyone. Be patient. For that matter, tell the 911 operator exactly where you are. Nothing makes a responding cop happier than having to scour the area for your dumb ass while the perp gets away.
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