Won't be trying to mislead anyone, as this time ALL these amusing articles and links derive from the Babylon Bee. Happy Weekend everyone!
Clarence Thomas Gently Explains To KBJ That Not All Black People Are Mentally Disabled, Just Her
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson claimed in court today that all black people are mentally disabled, Justice Clarence Thomas gently informed her that it's actually just her.
Not wanting to embarrass Jackson in front of the rest of the court, Justice Thomas waited for a brief recess to explain.
"I don't know how to say this best, Ketanji, but not all black people are mentally disabled. It's just you," said Thomas. "You having an exceptionally low IQ has absolutely nothing to do with your skin color, Ketanji. You're just an idiot. I know this is hard for you to understand... I mean, of course it is, you're mentally handicapped."
Onlookers reported Jackson was stunned by the news, shocked to learn that not all black people are mentally disabled. She sullenly closed the Leapfrog tablet she had been playing Sesame Street puzzles on, before hurling it at the wall in rage. Justice Thomas, however, managed to lift her spirits with a brief game of peek-a-boo.
At publishing time, Justice Thomas had been forced to have the same conversation with Justice Sotomayor about Hispanics.
Democrats Vow To Keep Government Shut Down Until Someone NoticesWASHINGTON, D.C. — As Americans across the country continued to carry on their day-to-day lives without any significant changes, Democrats vowed to keep the federal government shut down until someone notices.
Sources on Capitol Hill said that, though congressional Democrats had grown frustrated by the fact that the country seemed to keep existing and flourishing despite the lack of involvement from the federal government, they remained committed to keeping the shutdown in effect until someone acknowledged it.
"Sooner or later, it's bound to have some type of effect," House Minority Leader and government shutdown architect Hakeem Jeffries said. "I know it's disappointing that everyone seems to just be going about their business and living their lives without us interfering in anything, but eventually somebody will surely notice that the government is shut down. Right? We just need to be patient."
When reached for comment, one American citizen was surprised to hear that the government was shut down. "Is it? Oh, I had no idea," said factory worker James Hartford. "I've had a great last couple of weeks. Maybe that's why?"
Democratic leaders were adamant that they would not budge until their shutdown was noticed by someone. "We know the federal government has to have more impact than it seems now," Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said. "They'll notice that we're not doing anything at some point, I think. The day will come when America simply won't be able to function without… wherever it is we do."
At publishing time, the vast majority of Americans in all parts of the nation remained blissfully unaware of and unaffected by the government shutdown.
Here's How 12 Different News Outlets Covered Trump's Gaza Peace Deal
Democrats Demand Trump Stop Fanning The Flames Of Peace
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democrats have called on President Donald J. Trump to stand down and immediately stop fanning the flames of peace.
"Never have we seen a president more recklessly stoke the devastating flames of no war," Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said. "Now there's peace in the Middle East? What's next? Russia and Ukraine? It's appalling."
This year alone, Trump mediated a ceasefire between India and Pakistan, facilitated an agreement between Rwanda and Congo, brokered a ceasefire between Israel and Iran, prevented a water war between Egypt and Ethiopia, used the power of trade to end clashes between Thailand and Cambodia, oversaw the Armenia-Azerbaijan Peace Accord, and, most recently, ended the war between Israel and Hamas-led Gaza. But enough is enough, say Democrats.
"If he solves all the world's problems, we'll have nothing left to do but look at our terrible budget," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Nothing would bring me greater pain. Doesn't he care about me?"
"He can't keep getting away with it!" Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said. "He's supposed to be Hitler. I built my entire identity and sense of well-being around it. If he destroys that, I'll cease to exist! I'll, oh no, it's happening — "
The president is reportedly confused by the strong reaction of Democrats to his championing of world peace. "Everyone wishes for world peace. You find a genie, and it's the first thing you wish for. Then you have two more wishes so you can get other things to go with the world peace, like hot women and tacos," Trump said. "That's what I wished for with my genie. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to tell you about that."
At publishing time, President Trump offended Democrats further by vowing to negotiate peace between Democrats and Republicans.
And finally:
Chicago Police Cut Spending By Just Taping Off Locations That Aren’t Murder Scenes
CHICAGO — To reduce spending, the Chicago Police Department has reportedly introduced a new policy where they tape off locations that aren't murder scenes.
"There are so many murders happening on a daily basis that its occurred to us it will be a lot more efficient and cost-effective to tape off the areas where there haven't been murders yet," Police Chief Lawrence Matthews explained. "Going forward, if you don't see police caution tape, just assume it's an active crime scene. Please watch your step."
Chicagoans expressed delight at the news. "It makes getting around the city so much easier. I used to have to cross several crime scenes to get to work, now it's all just one jumbled mess of death," said local tire salesman Sean Haven. "Plus, now I actually get excited when I see police tape. I think 'wow, so this is one of the two places where no one's died.' It's a fantastic feeling."
Though largely supported by the city, some city officials expressed concern that the roped off areas will now become a target to criminals who want to take over the whole city. "We're essentially shining a spotlight on the few areas of the city where someone hasn't been murdered," said city council member Eric Davis. "I'm not sure that's smart." But police have dismissed such concerns as unwarranted, believing that criminals would never dare cross police tape.
At publishing time, police adjusted their policy to merely tape off the entire city, separating it from the outside world.
