DUmp, In the kitchen. Ep #1

[RuralNc]

And now for something a little different. A little lighthearted. Something unpolitical while we let the DUmp cretins settle down from the realization that they are going to lose biggly in about 10 days.

Every once in a while I like to head over to the "Cooking and Baking" group. Im a professional Baker, so I like to judge them with all the a-holeness that I can muster. The creations, and the topics they have... good god. A kindergartener could do better.

I found a few individual topics, that I will drop off here, with my comments. Why? Mostly because they are dummies and deserve all the misfortune and criticism that befalls them. Thats why.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1157120976

question everything (44,135 posts)


Parchment paper or aluminum foil?

I never put anything directly on a baking sheet. Always aluminum foil, dull side up and then thinly spread shortening.

But now I am looking at an enticing photo of squash and sausage and onion roasted together and I can see the edge of a parchment paper.

If I do use parchment will I need to spread shortening, too? The sausage and veggies are to be drizzled with extra virgin olive oil.

Thanks.

Lurking mutts. Pay the extra money and buy parchment. Foil is for covering the food that is baking. Parchment goes underneath. Its simple. Very few things stick to parchment. Mostly very acidic goods. Lye dipped pretzels being the only thing I know of, due to the lye eating the silicone base material. So, no extra lubricants are needed, usually.

Not to mention, the recipe has sausage, which is normally fatty. Then Olive oil drizzled. How much food-lube do you need? Besides, assuming you used a high enough temperature, actual "roasting" you would get some nice, and very tasty charred bits.

Siwsan (23,333 posts)

3. I bake cookies on parchment and never use any butter or shortening on it

Never had a sticking problem.

I wonder why. Could it be because cookies are pure fat? 

Either way mutts, you fail. Like burnt bits on a pan.

Next...

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1157120964

Marthe48 (10,513 posts)


A random thought on cooking and baking

I was in Big Lots this week, and saw a gingerbread man baker. You fill a gingerbread man shaped well with cookie dough and then bake it like a waffle. I also saw a pan specifically shaped to make a cinnamon roll wreath for the holidays. I silently lamented the loss of indvidual touches on homemade meals and baking. Even with cookie cutters, there are still small differences that make each gingerbread man unique. And isn't going to the trouble of shaping those yummy cinnamon rolls into a wreath enough effort? Does each roll have to be exactly like the other to present perfect symmetry when the baker sets their homemade bakery in front of the guests?

I bake a loaf of bread about every 10 days for myself. Sometimes Nature allows a loaf that rises evenly from one end of the pan to the other. Not every time, but I notice if a loaf is especially pretty, as I cut into it

Am I missing the boat? Are the shaped pans more fun to use? Is there less anxiety baking with shaped pans?

Its called being lazy. Which is just right for you Mutts. Also, who bakes a waffle? Whatever..

MOMFUDSKI (1,220 posts)

1. I am with you on this.

I baked/cooked my whole life. Seems the younger gals just DON'T. I have noticed the baking mix aisle at the grocery store is a lot smaller. I don't think they even do the box cake thingy. Is it all food delivered or supermarket deli hot food/bakery? What is your take on my theory?

Well, well, well. This post is just oozing with Misogamy and Sexism. Isnt it? What a shock, coming from the enlightened people of the DUmp.

Next..

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1157120895

spinbaby (14,702 posts)


Challah two ways

I decided today to bake one loaf of challah in a conventional oven and one in my steam convection oven. The one in the steam oven definitely had more oven spring, but lost definition, so the braiding was less obvious. It baked much faster and came out much darker even though the conventional loaf baked ten minutes more at the same temperature. It was a lovely experiment, but I think I’ll stick with the regular oven from now on, although I may change my mind after I actually taste the loaves.

In the photo, conventional loaf on the left, steam convection on the right.

Ok. This is a downright travesty. I bake Challah every Friday night for my Saturday Customers. Most of which buy Challah for the Shabbat. If THAT is what I had to offer...

Lurking Mutts. That is terrible braiding. A classic 3 plait braid is not that difficult. I always do a 4 plait, because I like the looks. But, there is nothing wrong with 3 plait. Except, in the above example. Thats. Something.

The above Mutt states that one loaf was baked in conventional oven, the other in a steam oven.  Conventional oven is the way to go. But not for the reason the Mutt thinks. I use "think" quite loosely. Heres why. Challah is hit with an egg wash just before going into the oven. Steam would dilute it, causing it to run. Thats not good. Not to mention, steams knocks the "shine" out of the glaze. Matter of fact, any bread that has any kind of glaze, should be in a "dry oven". Bakers speaker for "no steam". A "wet oven" would be with steam.

The Mutt says that the steam oven offered more "oven spring". While that is the advantage of a steam oven, THAT loaf of Challah was over proofed when it went in, or slightly less likely, the Mutt never vented the steam back out of the oven. For reference, you should steam for no longer then 15 minutes. Otherwise, you have a loaf of rubber. At any rate, the steam made the problem even worse. The steam allows the outer layer of dough to remain moist for a longer period, before the crust sets. Since this loaf was already over proofed, steam allowed it to continue, until the yeast tuckered out. Im surprised it didnt collapse.

Finally the Mutt is confused by the color difference in the two loaves. Its not rocket science. Your ovens are baking at a different temperature. Mutt said about 10 minutes time difference. That looks like about 50 degrees difference to my eyes.

Mutt, Poppy Seeds are seed of choice. Not Sesame Seeds. Not that I would expect anything better.

I cant wait till the Thanksgiving offerings. Cheers!

[Texacon]

And now for something a little different. A little lighthearted. Something unpolitical while we let the DUmp cretins settle down from the realization that they are going to lose biggly in about 10 days.

Every once in a while I like to head over to the "Cooking and Baking" group. Im a professional Baker, so I like to judge them with all the a-holeness that I can muster. The creations, and the topics they have... good god. A kindergartener could do better.

I found a few individual topics, that I will drop off here, with my comments. Why? Mostly because they are dummies and deserve all the misfortune and criticism that befalls them. Thats why.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1157120976

Lurking mutts. Pay the extra money and buy parchment. Foil is for covering the food that is baking. Parchment goes underneath. Its simple. Very few things stick to parchment. Mostly very acidic goods. Lye dipped pretzels being the only thing I know of, due to the lye eating the silicone base material. So, no extra lubricants are needed, usually.

Not to mention, the recipe has sausage, which is normally fatty. Then Olive oil drizzled. How much food-lube do you need? Besides, assuming you used a high enough temperature, actual "roasting" you would get some nice, and very tasty charred bits.

I wonder why. Could it be because cookies are pure fat? 

Either way mutts, you fail. Like burnt bits on a pan.

Next...

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1157120964

Its called being lazy. Which is just right for you Mutts. Also, who bakes a waffle? Whatever..

Well, well, well. This post is just oozing with Misogamy and Sexism. Isnt it? What a shock, coming from the enlightened people of the DUmp.

Next..

https://www.democraticunderground.com/1157120895

Ok. This is a downright travesty. I bake Challah every Friday night for my Saturday Customers. Most of which buy Challah for the Shabbat. If THAT is what I had to offer...

Lurking Mutts. That is terrible braiding. A classic 3 plait braid is not that difficult. I always do a 4 plait, because I like the looks. But, there is nothing wrong with 3 plait. Except, in the above example. Thats. Something.

The above Mutt states that one loaf was baked in conventional oven, the other in a steam oven.  Conventional oven is the way to go. But not for the reason the Mutt thinks. I use "think" quite loosely. Heres why. Challah is hit with an egg wash just before going into the oven. Steam would dilute it, causing it to run. Thats not good. Not to mention, steams knocks the "shine" out of the glaze. Matter of fact, any bread that has any kind of glaze, should be in a "dry oven". Bakers speaker for "no steam". A "wet oven" would be with steam.

The Mutt says that the steam oven offered more "oven spring". While that is the advantage of a steam oven, THAT loaf of Challah was over proofed when it went in, or slightly less likely, the Mutt never vented the steam back out of the oven. For reference, you should steam for no longer then 15 minutes. Otherwise, you have a loaf of rubber. At any rate, the steam made the problem even worse. The steam allows the outer layer of dough to remain moist for a longer period, before the crust sets. Since this loaf was already over proofed, steam allowed it to continue, until the yeast tuckered out. Im surprised it didnt collapse.

Finally the Mutt is confused by the color difference in the two loaves. Its not rocket science. Your ovens are baking at a different temperature. Mutt said about 10 minutes time difference. That looks like about 50 degrees difference to my eyes.

Mutt, Poppy Seeds are seed of choice. Not Sesame Seeds. Not that I would expect anything better.

I cant wait till the Thanksgiving offerings. Cheers!

It’s always good to read an opinion from someone obviously knowledgeable on a subject.

Thanks!!

KC

[landofconfusion80]

I'm glad you posted this. My wife and kids became heavily involved in tora tora tora (I think the cultural reference is hilarious) observant Christianity. They adopted this challah bread thing and my wife is a phenomenal cook. Is this functionally soft pretzels in bread form?

[RuralNc]

I'm glad you posted this. My wife and kids became heavily involved in tora tora tora (I think the cultural reference is hilarious) observant Christianity. They adopted this challah bread thing and my wife is a phenomenal cook. Is this functionally soft pretzels in bread form?

No. Not really. Challah is dairy free, but, it is loaded with eggs. Lots of eggs. Then washed with eggs. It is soft and fluffy, yet slightly dense. Perfect for toasting, or soaking up batter for French Toast or Bread Pudding.

Traditional practicing Jews who recognize the Shabbat, will usually eat Challah. The reason being, on the Shabbat, you do no work. Such as slicing the bread. The bread is braided, to encourage tearing off chunks. At least, that is my understanding. Its a very complicated topic, which is decided mostly by your local Rabbi.

Soft pretzels on the other hand are a fairly lean dough. Flour, water, salt, yeast, malt powder, and some kind of fat. Butter is a good choice. Real pretzels are dipped in food grade Lye. I have a couple containers of the stuff. If you splash it on your skin, it feels like a bee sting. But you get used to it. But it WILL eat thru Parchment Paper, and cause permanent damage to sheet pans. I have probably 20 or 30 sheet pans that have scars from Lye. That stuff is not a joke.

With all that being said, some folks do make soft pretzels from Challah dough. My recommendation would be to allow the dough to ferment in the fridge for 3 or 4 days. It will mellow out, so your pretzels dont taste like eggs. No body likes eggy pretzels. And finally on that topic, the only difference between soft and hard pretzels, is the bake temp. and time. Thats it. Want soft pretzels? About 350 degrees for roughly 15 minutes. Want hard pretzels? Try 400 degrees. Until desired crunchiness. Thats all there is to it.

It’s always good to read an opinion from someone obviously knowledgeable on a subject.

Thanks!!

KC

Thanks!

Ill be the first to admit, Im not the most worldly person when it comes to Politics. I marvel at the folks who can just rattle off facts about Policitcan whoever who signed some bill 23 years ago, that then caused xyz to occur. My first question, usually, "how the hell do you know that?"...

I often dont have a lot to say, but I do know the big players, and spotting a DUmp mutt is no challenge.

When it comes to food, I have plenty to say. Especially when DUmp mutts are involved. 

[landofconfusion80]

No. Not really. Challah is dairy free, but, it is loaded with eggs. Lots of eggs. Then washed with eggs. It is soft and fluffy, yet slightly dense. Perfect for toasting, or soaking up batter for French Toast or Bread Pudding.

Traditional practicing Jews who recognize the Shabbat, will usually eat Challah. The reason being, on the Shabbat, you do no work. Such as slicing the bread. The bread is braided, to encourage tearing off chunks. At least, that is my understanding. Its a very complicated topic, which is decided mostly by your local Rabbi.

Soft pretzels on the other hand are a fairly lean dough. Flour, water, salt, yeast, malt powder, and some kind of fat. Butter is a good choice. Real pretzels are dipped in food grade Lye. I have a couple containers of the stuff. If you splash it on your skin, it feels like a bee sting. But you get used to it. But it WILL eat thru Parchment Paper, and cause permanent damage to sheet pans. I have probably 20 or 30 sheet pans that have scars from Lye. That stuff is not a joke.

With all that being said, some folks do make soft pretzels from Challah dough. My recommendation would be to allow the dough to ferment in the fridge for 3 or 4 days. It will mellow out, so your pretzels dont taste like eggs. No body likes eggy pretzels. And finally on that topic, the only difference between soft and hard pretzels, is the bake temp. and time. Thats it. Want soft pretzels? About 350 degrees for roughly 15 minutes. Want hard pretzels? Try 400 degrees. Until desired crunchiness. Thats all there is to it.

Thanks!

Ill be the first to admit, Im not the most worldly person when it comes to Politics. I marvel at the folks who can just rattle off facts about Policitcan whoever who signed some bill 23 years ago, that then caused xyz to occur. My first question, usually, "how the hell do you know that?"...

I often dont have a lot to say, but I do know the big players, and spotting a DUmp mutt is no challenge.

When it comes to food, I have plenty to say. Especially when DUmp mutts are involved. 

Wow! Thank you for the informative post. Above and beyond! I'll have to pass this along

[Dblhaul]

Nice! Thanks for all the information. I will have to try my hand at making Challah.

[BamaMoose]

If the nuances of cooking challah or the use of parchment paper get you going, don't search the archives for Puke Stew.  It really is disturbing.

[Karin]

   The infamous Puke Stew!  This was a concoction from NJCher, and it looked like a bubbling cauldron of literal puke.  The C&B forum used to be a treasure trove of comedy.  There were lots of Brussels sprouts and quinoa, kale done a dozen ways, and other vegan offerings with not a molecule of protein in site.  Reading their silly vegetable posts always made me crave a cheeseburger. 

Then, there were the very pretentious write-ups where they posed as upscale, uptown, cosmopolitan gourmands.  Sir Pball was the funniest, he made me laugh out loud with his infusions and reductions. 

[RuralNc]

  The infamous Puke Stew!  This was a concoction from NJCher, and it looked like a bubbling cauldron of literal puke.  The C&B forum used to be a treasure trove of comedy.  There were lots of Brussels sprouts and quinoa, kale done a dozen ways, and other vegan offerings with not a molecule of protein in site.  Reading their silly vegetable posts always made me crave a cheeseburger. 

Then, there were the very pretentious write-ups where they posed as upscale, uptown, cosmopolitan gourmands.  Sir Pball was the funniest, he made me laugh out loud with his infusions and reductions. 

Lordy, I hate kale. I dont care what you do to it. I hate it. And Brussels Sprouts too. Aint enough Bacon drippings in the world that make we want to eat them.

If the nuances of cooking challah or the use of parchment paper get you going, don't search the archives for Puke Stew.  It really is disturbing.

Ill have you note, its "Baking Challah, not Cooking". Its the little things. 

SO about this Puke stew that you, and Karin speak so fondly off, I have to find this. Im a glutton for punishment. Much akin to Andrew Zimmern, who once described Limburger Cheese as "having the texture of warm Vaseline and sweaty gym socks, that lingers in the back of your throat and nose.."

Nice! Thanks for all the information. I will have to try my hand at making Challah.

Its not difficult. Just a little time consuming. My recipe takes around 30 hours, all in all. But most of that is either in the fridge or rising time. About 20 minutes of actual hands on time.

Wow! Thank you for the informative post. Above and beyond! I'll have to pass this along

Your welcome. If you want to chill it for several days, just be sure to cut the yeast amount. It will slow the fermentation so it doesnt get "boozey" tasting. But it will increase rise time. At room temp my Challah recipe takes about 6 hours to rise. Just as a point of reference.

I didnt mention it earlier, but there is a load of different things you can make from Challah dough. It makes excellent donuts, and Bear Claws! Just a little insider info there. Have fun. 

[SVPete]

Lordy, I hate kale. I dont care what you do to it. I hate it. And Brussels Sprouts too. Aint enough Bacon drippings in the world that make we want to eat them.
...

  !

[RuralNc]

!

Thank you sir. I glad to see im not the only one who believes that those aforementioned "foods" should be banned from earth. 

[SVPete]

I have nothing against tasty salad greens, but kale lacks flavor and is so fibrous it expands in the mouth.

[landofconfusion80]

Lordy, I hate kale. I dont care what you do to it. I hate it. And Brussels Sprouts too. Aint enough Bacon drippings in the world that make we want to eat them.

Ill have you note, its "Baking Challah, not Cooking". Its the little things. 

SO about this Puke stew that you, and Karin speak so fondly off, I have to find this. Im a glutton for punishment. Much akin to Andrew Zimmern, who once described Limburger Cheese as "having the texture of warm Vaseline and sweaty gym socks, that lingers in the back of your throat and nose.."

Its not difficult. Just a little time consuming. My recipe takes around 30 hours, all in all. But most of that is either in the fridge or rising time. About 20 minutes of actual hands on time.

Your welcome. If you want to chill it for several days, just be sure to cut the yeast amount. It will slow the fermentation so it doesnt get "boozey" tasting. But it will increase rise time. At room temp my Challah recipe takes about 6 hours to rise. Just as a point of reference.

I didnt mention it earlier, but there is a load of different things you can make from Challah dough. It makes excellent donuts, and Bear Claws! Just a little insider info there. Have fun.

I was telling my wife about this conversation since shes so much into baking. I described it as having a conversation with Alton brown,lol

[RuralNc]

I was telling my wife about this conversation since shes so much into baking. I described it as having a conversation with Alton brown,lol

While I appreciate the compliments, I would wholeheartedly disagree. Its just a topic that I enjoy, and evidently have a little bit of knowledge about.   

[BamaMoose]

 

Lordy, I hate kale. I dont care what you do to it. I hate it. And Brussels Sprouts too. Aint enough Bacon drippings in the world that make we want to eat them.

Ill have you note, its "Baking Challah, not Cooking". Its the little things. 

SO about this Puke stew that you, and Karin speak so fondly off, I have to find this. Im a glutton for punishment. Much akin to Andrew Zimmern, who once described Limburger Cheese as "having the texture of warm Vaseline and sweaty gym socks, that lingers in the back of your throat and nose.."

Oops, yes baking, not cooking, my bad.  And I can only find a picture of the Puke Stew.  If I find the original post, I'll provide the recipe, which is even less appetizing than the picture conveys.

[RuralNc]

Oops, yes baking, not cooking, my bad.  And I can only find a picture of the Puke Stew.  If I find the original post, I'll provide the recipe, which is even less appetizing than the picture conveys.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Thats something else. And please, if you find the original DU link, please share. Or the recipe itself.

So, from the picture. Water. Greens....  This is straightup Poverty Soup. If worse comes to worse, ill crack open a can of Spam and just double up my B.P. meds. 

And that cooktop needs cleaned. Just say'n. And why the hell is there, what appears to be newspaper, beside a gas burner? These truly are DUmmies.

[Karin]

Thanks, BamaMoose, for finding it!  You know, it looks like there are sheets of toilet paper or kleenex floating in there.     Maybe we were too kind calling it "puke."

[Patriot Guard Rider]

Thanks, BamaMoose, for finding it!  You know, it looks like there are sheets of toilet paper or kleenex floating in there.     Maybe we were too kind calling it "puke."

You can find basically the same thing by looking down the open bowl of a porta-potty..