My friend is being abused by her boyfriend and won't quit him

[CC27]

ghostsinthemachine (1,207 posts)

My friend is being abused by her boyfriend and won't quit him


She meets guy online. I tell her he is an abuser after a couple of weeks when she tells me some of the things that are happening. No violence (yet),, but some pretty glaring stuff.
They go out, she calls me to save her. This goes on for months and months.

Then, last Friday she calls me and is in tears. He got drunk and picked a fight over something in her past. I go rescue her. I think she is going to go home (a place she doesn't like to be, she shares a house) when we part. Instead, against my advice, she goes to his house (where she has almost moved into). He is still drinking and again picks a fight with her. This time he hits her (behind the head, abuser's target so no marks). They fight like crazy, he spits on her, punches her, tackles her but she never calls 911. Somewhere along the line she gets a kick in and gives him a black eye (she is all of 90 pounds).

I get no call until Friday asking me to come to her work (bartender at a dive bar) and I notice she is now wearing an engagement ring! Then she tells me the harrowing story of the last week. Giving him all the excuses possible (his "ex was a black belt so he is scared", " he was drinking hard alcohol" "it is so perfect when he isn't hitting me...all of them). She tells me he is going to buy her a 5000 dollar ring and shows me the wedding dress she has picked out. I am flipped out.

We go out for a while, have some fun and try to talk to her.(he is at work so this will remain secret). I tell her how this is a classic abuser story, everything this guy is doing leads up to abuse. He wants her to quit her job, get married etc.
I Nam telling her that he is an abuser and that it will only get worse. I tell her that every time it gets worse and will get worse UNTIL HE KILLS YOU. Again, like the week before, I think I am getting through to her, this time talking about options etc and we part, with her saying she is going to go home and move her stuff out of his house today while he is at work. I even told her that I would be pissed if she went back....

I tried texting her last night (don't do something stupid) and again this morning. She also agreed to let me accompany her when this goes down. No return calls or message. That tells me she went back to him. (That's the scenario every other time).

She won't go to WEAVE or call the cops when he beats her. She is so desperate to have a man in her life that it is clouding her thoughts. You would not believe it, she is very beautiful with an amazing funny personality, but it takes a man, any man, to make her feel good about herself. She has the lowest self esteem of anyone I've ever met.

My question is... What do I do? I am at the end of my tether here. She continually goes against my advice (then tells me I was right a week later, but still goes back) and her drama is upsetting my normally drama free life. If I was 20 years younger I know how I would deal with it, but now I am an old man, so that's out. What do I do here? Her parents live a distance and I don't know how to reach them without going through her. WEAVE needs her to call, they can't help her without her say-so. The cops can't help either.
What should I do when I get the next call

Bouncy or no bouncy? You decide.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027646381

[Maverick1987]

I don't understand why anyone would ask this kind of question on a political message board.

[fatboy]

What should I do when I get the next call

Tell her to grow up.

[67 Rover]

Tell your friend to purchase and learn how to use any of the following, a HK VP9, HK 45, Sig P229 or Sig P220.  No more fear, no more abuse. EOM.

[USA4ME]

Ahhhhhhhh Haaaa...... I can't quit you babe.
So I'm going to put you down for a while.....

- Led Zepplin

.

[USA4ME]

Actually, I'm seeing a pattern here.

Boyfriend = Dem Party
Girlfriend = Their Voters

"She is so desperate to have a man in her life that it is clouding her thoughts. You would not believe it, she is very beautiful with an amazing funny personality, but it takes a man, any man, to make her feel good about herself. She has the lowest self esteem of anyone I've ever met."

OK, minus the "beautiful" part, We've all seen their picture threads. And then "funny personality" meaning kooky.

.

[Patriot Guard Rider]

Actually, I'm seeing a pattern here.

Boyfriend = Dem Party
Girlfriend = Their Voters

"She is so desperate to have a man in her life that it is clouding her thoughts. You would not believe it, she is very beautiful with an amazing funny personality, but it takes a man, any man, to make her feel good about herself. She has the lowest self esteem of anyone I've ever met."

OK, minus the "beautiful" part, We've all seen their picture threads. And then "funny personality" meaning kooky.

.

One thing I've found out about most women. They want a bad boy. It doesn't matter how nice you are, how attentive you are, how much you love her. They all want that "badness" in their lives. It's their "comfort zone".

Anytime a woman tells me she's looking for a nice guy, I freakin turn and run, because what that tells me is, at some point, they've been mistreated, but ultimately, being mistreated is how they believe they should be treated. They don't know how to deal with "nice".

That said, IF this is true, and IF you're reading this DUmmy, understand, there is nothing you can do. She is, for better or worse, "happy" in this relationship because she feels "normal" in it. Try and help her if you wish, but be prepared to move on and let her live her life, however much longer she has of it.

That is all.

[67 Rover]

One thing I've found out about most women. They want a bad boy. It doesn't matter how nice you are, how attentive you are, how much you love her. They all want that "badness" in their lives. It's their "comfort zone".

Anytime a woman tells me she's looking for a nice guy, I freakin turn and run, because what that tells me is, at some point, they've been mistreated, but ultimately, being mistreated is how they believe they should be treated. They don't know how to deal with "nice".

That said, IF this is true, and IF you're reading this DUmmy, understand, there is nothing you can do. She is, for better or worse, "happy" in this relationship because she feels "normal" in it. Try and help her if you wish, but be prepared to move on and let her live her life, however much longer she has of it.

That is all.

 

[Patriot Guard Rider]

While you're eating your , do you have any idea how many cans of air freshener it takes to cover a dead body smell in the basement?

A friend wants to know.

[Carl]

Bouncy or no bouncy? You decide.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/10027646381

Who knows here but I am sure we all have known of real life situations that are much or exactly like this.

It never fixes itself but they will never listen.

[Patriot Guard Rider]

Who knows here but I am sure we all have known of real life situations that are much or exactly like this.

It never fixes itself but they will never listen.

Exactly.

[Ptarmigan]

One thing I've found out about most women. They want a bad boy. It doesn't matter how nice you are, how attentive you are, how much you love her. They all want that "badness" in their lives. It's their "comfort zone".

Anytime a woman tells me she's looking for a nice guy, I freakin turn and run, because what that tells me is, at some point, they've been mistreated, but ultimately, being mistreated is how they believe they should be treated. They don't know how to deal with "nice".

That said, IF this is true, and IF you're reading this DUmmy, understand, there is nothing you can do. She is, for better or worse, "happy" in this relationship because she feels "normal" in it. Try and help her if you wish, but be prepared to move on and let her live her life, however much longer she has of it.

That is all.

Why Notorious Murderers Have Groupies
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wicked-deeds/201401/why-notorious-murderers-have-groupies

Killer groupies an unexplained mystery
http://www.sfgate.com/health/article/Killer-groupies-an-unexplained-mystery-3215238.php

Another word for major league daddy issues.