http://www.democraticunderground.com/1018797023Have a relationship question? Let's ask some of the most dysfunctional people on the internet! Here goes:
Thu Sep 10, 2015, 10:36 PM
bamademo (2,122 posts)
Dear friends. I need advice about a cheating BF I broke up with last night.
Known this man since 98. Dated on and off since then but in last 5 years spent a lot of time together. several times a week. Found out he was cheating since I used his computer to check my email and he left his up. Yes, I snooped because I found email from a woman who he said was friend. He was going to beach with her labor day.
I thought he loved me. Gave me emerald and diamond necklace and earrings for birthday. Wanted to spend time with me all the time. We had great sex. But he had juggled both of us for at least 4 years,
Confronted him and he accused me of snooping. I said he shouldn't have left email up. Spent last night with him. Tearful breakup. He said he loved me and I was infectious (not like as in disease) when I asked him why he wanted to spend time with me all the time. Said I was best friend. Told me I wasn't calm and lacked compassion. He told me he knew I had been through major shit but so had he. He hasn't had 2 parents die, lose a job and have a house foreclosed but he had to fire people in his job. I asked if she knew about me. No and she would be very upset if she did. I told him he should tell her because she deserved to know. said I'm his best friend. He is mine also but I told him he ruined it. Told him to tell her.
I won't tell her but she deserves to know what a duplicitous man he is. How can I expose him without exposing myself? I have friends willing to do it. I'm worried about my Karma.
I told him Karma is a bitch and will catch up with him.
What to do?
Thu Sep 10, 2015, 11:46 PM
Chan790 (18,021 posts)
11. I'd say *he* needs to tell her.
Tell him he has to do it or you're going to call her; set a firm, clear deadline. (Personally, I'd give him a week (something like next Thursday at noon)...that gives him enough time to work up the nerve and decide how he wants to say his peace to her but not enough time to procrastinate and avoid resolution.) He owes her and you honesty at this point. He's the one lacking compassion and acting in a self-serving manner. He figures he's already lost you and if he comes clean to her, he's going to lose her too...and that is a realistic possibility.
I second Laffy Kat who said it sounds like he does love you. Some people are not really meant for monogamy1...perhaps if you feel the same way after the hurt passes, negotiated non-monogamy might work for you2...just putting it out there. But before that can even be a possibility to discuss, he has to come clean to her about everything and he has to come clean to you if there is anything else he's hiding. These kinds of arrangements only work if everybody is incredibly open and honest about their feelings and their intentions so that realistic negotiation and boundaries can result. None of this can work without informed consent.3
Also, you're under no obligation to even be cordial to him at this point, let alone take him back. All decisions are yours to make and his input is only appropriate if you want it. He cheated...you're calling the shots. If you want to call her and tell her he's a dog, that's your prerogative. You may even find you and her have something in common beyond a shitty ex-boyfriend...wouldn't be the first time that two women wronged by the same shitheel ended up fast friends with a common enemy.
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1: I am one but I am incredibly open about that with partners and I make sure that my partners know about each other if not names or personally; also that I am not anybody's "secret."
2: either open relationship of some sort or a mono/poly arrangement. (e.g. you're monogamous and he's poly but only with your knowledge and consent within negotiated boundaries)
3: And if you do decide to go that way, let me know...I can recommend some books on how to have that dialogue and negotiate pitfalls.
The Chan790 primitive who was fired from his job on August 16, 2011, has plenty of time to write long posts on Skin's Island.
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 08:13 AM
Star Member WinkyDink (44,343 posts)
19. Why does the OP "need" to determine that woman's level of knowledge or happiness?
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 11:29 AM
Chan790 (18,021 posts)
25. I don't recall saying that they needed to "determine" anything, rereading what I wrote...
I don't see where I said that either.
What I did say is that she needed to make sure he tells the other woman...and she does; the other woman does need to know that this is his character and he's prone to these actions. In addition to the philandering (which is sufficient grounds and I previously explained), there is a health concern...if he's doing this with both of them, I'd put the odds at about 50% that he's also ****ing around on the side behind both of their backs in which case she has a moral and public heath obligation to make him come clean (edit: if for no other reason that to make him face the consequences of his actions before he impacts his own health and becomes the Typhoid John of the Gulf Coast); I'd also recommend getting an HIV/STD test and scheduling a checkup with the physician.
Why does that mean that the other woman needs to know? She'd feel terrible if this other woman, also in the dark about his escapades, were to be negatively impacted by his actions through no fault of her own when bama could prevented that misfortune. She can absolve herself of future feelings of guilt (Should she feel guilty? Probably not...but guilt isn't rational, only emotional.) for subsequent outcomes she could have prevented. Call it voice of experience on my part. :/
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 12:46 AM
mackerel (3,690 posts)
13. You have to tell her, it's only fair. How would you feel if she was the one
who found out first but didn't tell you. Somebody has to tell her. He won't do it. He's a cheater and no you're not his best friend. BFF don't do that kind of shite to each other. Narcissist do though. You're gonna be in pain for quite awhile but in the end you dodge a bullet. I hope you didn't have children with him.
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 08:14 AM
Star Member WinkyDink (44,343 posts)
20. I think it would be the opposite of "fair."
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 07:28 AM
Star Member Lars39 (19,759 posts)
15. He may have juggled more than just you two.
Might want to get checked out and give her a head's up, too.
Not your responsibility to protect him from consequences of his own actions.
TL;DR OP primitive probably found out its "partner" was cheating by getting an STD.
It's time for the double feature! What's one of the pillars of primitivity? "Find a pill, eat a pill!" Thus:
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 10:02 PM
bamademo (2,122 posts)
31. Believe it or not, he has been incredibly good to me in most ways but this.
But a friend gave me Xanax and that blocks the pain. I won't tell her. I told him she deserves to know. He won't tell her but he will be forever paranoid that I will or my friends will. But if he decides to marry her, I will tell her. I think she would deserve to know then.
I will just let time heal me and let Karma take it's course. I live in a lovely little section of Huntsville with a bunch of old Hippies like myself and we all know each other. News will reach her.
I wasn't going to put it on the street but I've decided to. My friends have rallied. She does need to know and I won't tell her at this point.
It's too soon and too raw right now.
Fri Sep 11, 2015, 10:11 PM
Star Member Lisa D (1,173 posts)
32. I do believe you and understand how difficult this must be for you.
The most important thing right now is to take care of yourself.
You've experienced a shock/trauma and that can affect you physically as well as emotionally. Remember to eat something, stay hydrated, and try to get enough sleep. I know that's easier said than done, but the Xanax should help.
Be gentle with yourself. You will heal, but it just takes that dreaded four letter word: time.
Have another!
