husband-hating primitive's daughter estranged from her

[franksolich]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/11515594

Oh my.

elleng (53,072 posts)   Tue Feb 10, 2015, 11:17 PM

Older daughter estranged herself from me, again, a few days ago, as she does regularly, thus separating me from her and her 1 year old son, my grandson, while the day before, she excitedly told me of a 'gift' due in October: 2d baby. She and her sister have been 'at odds' for years, and this, the older, has real problems, maybe bi-polar, requires professional help imo. Sad. At least I live near her sister and HER baby, 6 months old.

Just writing to get this off my chest. This and Jon Stewart.

Thanks, all.

CaliforniaPeggy (113,545 posts)   Tue Feb 10, 2015, 11:20 PM

1. How sad for you, my dear elleng...

I am so sorry that she doesn't see the need for professional help.

And it's a hell of a place to be bringing up vulnerable children.

<<<thinks CaliforniaPeggy has it all wrong; it's the husband-hating--even though he's been dead a long time now--elleng primitive who refuses to see the need for professional help.

elleng (53,072 posts)   Tue Feb 10, 2015, 11:32 PM

4. Right, CalPeg,

and after I told her she needs help, she said I'm PROJECTING! I'M the one in need of help! Darn, I'm afraid she caught 'it' from her father, THAT was my mistake.

She's a good parent, but I am concerned about what effect on Eddie and his siblings this will have. AND on his COUSIN(s,) whom he may or may not meet. NJ/MD distance, + the circumstances.

CaliforniaPeggy (113,545 posts)   Tue Feb 10, 2015, 11:35 PM

5. It's a tough place to be...

Try not to blame yourself. So much of this sort of thing is out of our hands.

elleng (53,072 posts)   Tue Feb 10, 2015, 11:39 PM

6. Thanks. I DON'T blame myself,

I had these 2 daughters, reasonable decisions, given the father, whom I DID love at the time. When we're estranged I simply don't think about her, now with a grandson, that's not so easy, but I don't hit myself about it every day. Its more difficult for my younger daughter, whose psyche has been adversely affected by bad treatment from her sister for years.

NYC_SKP (64,824 posts)   Tue Feb 10, 2015, 11:23 PM

2. I wish I could think of something helpful to say, but I can't.

Just a hug for you.

^^^Skippy, in case one's forgotten.

<<<still watching, waiting, hoping for Skippy to post when drunk.

No Vested Interest (2,172 posts)   Wed Feb 11, 2015, 01:41 AM

10. Could you try to get past it by sending a valentine to her son, your grandson?

No reason her son should suffer the loss of grandma's attentions because of mama's snit.

I know her words are hurtful; who can hurt us more than family members - those we care about most?

You've been through this many times before, so you know she'll come around -eventually - until the next time.

My two daughters, 13 months apart, are ying and yang - complete opposites personality-wise.

Always have been, since infancy.

They mostly get along in public, though "zingers" are periodically thrown out.

I mostly accept the situation and try to stay out of it.

I'm too old - and they are too- for me to try to be the intermediate - the peacemaker.

Sorry to know that you have this upset - again.

elleng (53,072 posts)   Wed Feb 11, 2015, 01:55 AM

11. Yes, I'll be sending him a book,

Elmo, he's watched an Elmo video. Will send it in a few days. I'll do what I can to stay in his life, but she can be so mean and unpredictable, there are no guarantees. (I did buy his crib and dresser, room full of stuff I gave him.)

Right, she'll come around again, as she has in the past, and then play her game again. We'll see what happens down the road, how little Eddie responds over the years.

I doubt there will be peace between my daughters, given the older's illness. I hold the hand of the younger, and don't discuss the younger with the older who lies about the younger and the father's (who is deceased) opinion of the younger. Bad news.

No Vested Interest (2,172 posts)   Wed Feb 11, 2015, 02:05 AM

12. A book for valentine's day will be nice.

Hopefully, she'll (or baby's papa) will read it over and over to your grandson.

At some point in the next few months she'll have to focus on the coming new baby.
You can turn your thoughts that way too, especially when the gender of the new one is known.

Sibling rivalry can be a strange thing, and (I think) can spring from erroneous perceptions one had as a child.

Don't we wish we could go back and read their minds at that time and make everything all right?

Not going to happen.

So we just have to accept the imperfect in our lives and realize that's probably the average situation for most of humanity.

elleng (53,072 posts)   Wed Feb 11, 2015, 02:14 AM

13. Yes, I hope she invites me to join her at hospital again,

when the new baby is born. These estrangements tend to last for a few months.

This is, imo, different from the average 'sibling rivalry;' she has a psychological problem which was, actually, diagnosed years ago, when she was in maybe high school. She didn't like the meds the doc prescribed, and then he left the practice, and as her father refused to help deal with psych stuff, it's never been addressed again. I couldn't fight him on the issue.

mopinko (43,057 posts)   Wed Feb 11, 2015, 01:58 PM

14. oh honey. so sorry this is happening.

makes me want to write her a letter and beg her to take care of herself.

i have so much regret for the damage that my depressions did to my kids. mothering is so hard. so draining. difficult when firing on all cylinders. but just impossible to do really well w one hand tied behind your back.

and for her to keep the kids away from you. it should be a crime. an involved grandmother is such a gift to a kid. we didnt really have that, and what a boon it would have been to them and to me. they were around, but not often. my mom was already becoming fragile about the time my kids were born. ex's mom was around, but also a person w lots of issues that churned up the family for her own benefit. for everything she gave, there was a price. sigh.

hope this is short lived. but yeah. projection. how many times have i heard that word? ugh. toooooo many.

on the good news front, tho, i hear through the grape vine that middle daughter is finally getting some help. so happy about that. maybe it will heal things. my worries about her mental health are a big part of our estrangement.

some day some genius will find the right words to say to someone who needs help that will not bounce off their defenses. meanwhile, we get plastered by blowback whenever we try.

hang in there sweetie. and dont back down.

^^^Big Mo, in case one's forgotten.

[Carl]

Self confessed lunatics giving out mental health advice.
What could possibly go wrong with that?

[CC27]

My biggest concern is how much her daughter is getting on her snap card.

[obumazombie]

Losing Jon Stewart is getting under the lib's skin I see.

[Gina]

Maybe I'm odd but who gets a 1 yr old and a 6 mth old a valentine's day present?
Is the kid going to remember this?

[DumbAss Tanker]

Elleng, wasn't she the worst lawyer in the world, who signed a property agreement with her ex that she didn't read first?

[thundley4]

Maybe I'm odd but who gets a 1 yr old and a 6 mth old a valentine's day present?
Is the kid going to remember this?

Maybe a stuffed Teddy Bear...


















 or even a heart shaped bow for their hair.   

[franksolich]

Elleng, wasn't she the worst lawyer in the world, who signed a property agreement with her ex that she didn't read first?

Yeah.

They were involved in a bitter divorce.

Both were attorneys, he and she.

He gave her some real-estate papers to sign.

She was pissed off, and didn't read them--but signed them anyway.

He apparently got the property, but died a year or two later.

[Skul]

Wowser, the ell eng DUmpscrunt, the gapping calpig, PWI skippydoo ,  , NVI gives psychotic help, aaaaaand, Mo Stinko tries the latter approach.
The Ell eng primitive needs to seek advise from Laserass Haas.

I have a hunch that the lucky daughter was sick of the Eel's liberal mewling.  She grew up, and didn't want her son to be indoctrinated.

[GOBUCKS]

I've been wondering whatever happened to Big Mo.

She's been quiet for so long I thought maybe she had caught something from schlepping around barefoot through all the chicken shit and trash on her vacant lot.

Add to that the rats and her rotting garbage pile, and she's gotta be crawling with every microbe known to science.

Big Mo talks constantly about her crazy kids needing psychiatric help, while she lives on the borderline of involuntary commitment.